Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Okay I know why now
I know why some women go crazy and steal other people's babies. NOT that I want to do that WHATSOEVER cause they are not my baby. I just want to hold her. My arms ache for her. I wish I could even rewind to after she was born and how good she did feel in my arms and laying on my chest. This day of loneliness has been horrid. I can't watch TV I don't want to sleep cause sleeping can be cruel. I just sit here in the bed or on the porch in silence. I can't eat today I feel like all my energy is gone. I want to go into her room and fold clothes like nothing has happened. I want to pretend its all a dream. I want to hold her so bad either that or feel her in my belly or complain about her excessive hiccups and tease her saying she is a drunk irish baby. I want to be happy I just want to smile I want all this painful feelings to just stop and pretend she is still on her way and that life is still going according to planned and that I am not so lost and that we are still going to get our happily ever after and I will see my husband and son in the bright sun light of a hospital room sitting on the couch staring at our wonderful term healthy baby girl and everyone googling over her taking pictures and sending beautiful flowers and everyone bringing in balloons and teasing how much she looks like John. Why can't that just be the reality of things and we can forget this path that is real.
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Day by Day Hun things will slowly get better. Time will heal but you are doing great. Get your emotions and feelings out. Keep blogging. Let this be your outlet.
ReplyDeleteDon't ever feel like you are doing somethig wrong or that you should be doing more. You just work on being Holly! That is all you can do!!
Hugs to you and John!!
I am so sorry for your loss. We have lost 2 sons and it is so painful. Life doesn't make sense sometimes. Hang in there, it's a long hard road ahead but you will make it.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. To just somehow pretend like she wasn't gone, to have the life the way it was before all this sadness. It's so hard Holly, but you will get through it. Right now, it just feels like your emotions will swallow you up whole. Keep blogging, even if it doesn't make sense, just throw your jumbled thoughts out. God knows I made posted blogs that didn't make sense, I tried to make sense when typing, but my head just was overwhelmed with so many different emotions, so many thoughts, that I just could not quite verbalize things. In time, and trust me, right now it feels like every second, every minute of every day is torture. With time, you will learn your new normal and learn to function with the new normal. I know now it feels literally impossible, but with time, you will. :) (I lost my Mom, which I can understand the grieving process all too well. It's hard. Very hard!)
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