Thursday, April 28, 2011


I know this is part of the grieving process and it is healthy to go thru it and understandable and a part of life.  But I myself have tried to avoid it in many ways as I know it leads to nothing accomplished and wasted energy but it's here and happening.  I am not angry at people and it's not when I look at pregnant women that are hugely pregnant like I should be that I am angry at them.  I am angry that I am not in the same situation anymore that I have been thrown out of my happy path I was leading.  I am happy for them and look at them in their happy bubble and I know how delicate it is and I am happy for them that hopefully they will never feel or know of such pain.  But as far as our situation I am angry or upset not sure how I want to describe it as of now.  I am still learning.  I am angry that I should be getting ready to say hello to my baby I should not be trying to get over the goodbye of my sweet Delanie.  She was so perfect she was mine she was everything I wanted in a second child.  She was a real baby she was ready to see the world.  I should be complaining still about hot flashes and sending John on late night runs for watermelon.  I should be happily searching the web for more decorations and last minute baby items for her room.  I should be packing a bag in preparation to leave for the hospital at a moment's notice.  I prayed and waited for these happy moments.  We tried for so long for her over 2 years of heartache and injections and medications and surgeries and procedures torturing my body and mind in hopes of two pink lines.  When I got them life was all better and I was in a dream cloud that I never wanted to leave.  This was it,  it was happening our dreams were coming true and our small family would be completed.  My hard work and self sacrifices were going to finally be worth it.  And she was a girl!!  Everyone was so happy the perfect pair the perfect family.  We finally had the home we wanted the life was molding and the family would be perfect.  With alot of hard work and severe bed rest our efforts were paying off.  We were there.  We were in the home stretch I could feel her in my arms and see the happy hospital moments the day of her planned birth.  And then like a bubble it was popped and a hard nightmare of a horrid reality came crushing down.  I don't know about mother's day.  I had known I would be off bedrest and could enjoy it I pictured how happy everyone would be on it because the weekend after mother's day I would get my reward.  Delanie would be born May 19th.  The next week.  That would be my gift.  My daughter.  Yes the anger has set in but I don't want it.  I don't want to be angry.  I am hoping it passes that is not who I am.  But the thing is it's not directed to anyone its just directed at the situation.  I was robbed the first time I was pregnant but thank god we still had a happy ending with alot of hard work.  Then robbed the second time  but with no happiness at the end.  Just all these wicked roller coaster of emotions that you never know from one minute to the next what you will be feeling.  I worked hard for Dustin I kept him alive.  I almost died giving birth to him I did 12 weeks of not strict bedrest with him.  I stayed by his side EVERYday in the NICU I knew every twitch and noise or breath he made and what it stood for.  I sat silently next to his bed constantly watching over him for 4 months.  I saw him die in front of me and brought back.  I signed papers for so many surgeries praying thru each one.  I took him home on oxygen and montiors and numerous medications.  Took him to about 3-5 doctor appts per week and 3 therapists for therapy.  Fought for his rights and for him to be normal.  Fought so many battles for him to live and strive.  Then fighting for Delanie 15 hard STRICT bed rest orders NEVER to cheat I really didn't.  I layed not sat there was no sitting for hours everyday enduring so much pain and muscle and skin breakdown and ect. I fought for her and I lost.  It's just not fair I am always fighting and I am tired. 

1 comment:

  1. Everyone says that feeling angry is normal. It's a part of the process. For me, it's anger, but it also feels like confusion, also like a feeling of injustice. That week I had started to set everything up, her diaper bag sat on the end table ready to go, the night before I put all her bottles out on the counter. My sister had just bought her a new bassinet and car seat and other things she would need. It just didn't and still doesn't make any sense.