One more hour....

Again with the counting....In one more hour last week I would meet my sweet angel.  I would get to kiss her face without the warmth of her looking back and responding to me.  I would be strapped to a cold OR table in a silent OR room that would remain silent instead of being filled with the busty joyful cries of a healthy newborn....instead just silence that would remain.  Tears would fall but not of joy.  I remember being strapped to the bed and watching for my husband I was so scared he wouldn't be okay.  Instead he was steady and sure even though he only had a couple hours to prepare it seemed like he was sure of every move.  He quickly rose after she came silent and time was called he waited for them to wipe her down and then he stood there waiting with arms open for his daughter.  He grabbed her as soon he was able and looked at her softly not with sorrow on his face but with love.  He smiled softly and brought her to me.  I cried she was so perfect I remember thinking that.  I remember the disappointment because I secretly hoped when she came out she would make a sound or peep and they would say it was a blessed miracle and she was alive.  But that was not what happened.  He moved her closer so I could see her face.  He held her close to him and loved on her softly.  The nurse then took her back and asked if he wanted to give her a bath he shook his head yes but as he started to go looked back and me and told her to go ahead that he would wait for me and then he returned back by my side and promptly grabbed my hand and lightly stroked it with this fingers.  They finished closing me and then removed my cerclage as well.  Then we were off to the room to spend time with our daughter.  Room 14 was were we would spend the next 4 hours loving our daughter and taking sweet pictures and kissing her softly.  4 hours I can never return to but remember always.  I wish I could go back to even those moments so I could feel her on my chest and in my arms.  So I could see my husband swaying back and forth rocking her in his arms around the room.  So we could say goodbye again and again cause once is never enough.  If only I could rewind time if only I could change things.  If only I could make her better and bring her soul back down to her body.  If only she would have opened her eyes or whimpered silently.  There are so many what if's or only if's I know there is nothing I could do after the fact and not to dwell on it and what is done is done and there is no changing it.  But I can still dream otherwise.