Monday, April 11, 2011

Last night

Was a harder night.  I have double mastitis so very painful and the flu like symptoms started last night aswell.  Fever and nausua and body aches not to mention the breast pain.  Fever broke around 3am hoping it stays away.  Waiting for the doctor's office to open soon so I can be looked at and also get my staples removed.  I looked at her pictures this morning after everyone left and I was by myself in the bedroom sitting on the bed.  Loaded the pictures on my laptop and turned away until they were done loading.  Looked up and saw her after they were done.  She looked everything like her daddy and so perfect.  Looked like a smaller term baby just sleeping softly.  She did look so peaceful.  I am going to try to find someone to edit her pictures and make them black and white and airbrush them too.  I will work on that later this week.  I am waiting for a email from the funeral home to see if they approved our urn design today.  I am hoping they do.  Going to take the rest of my progesterone injections to the doctor's office to give to someone else if they can't afford them.  Hopefully at least that baby will be born alive and healthy and pink and crying into the world.  Just waiting for the it gets easier over time part but then when it does get easier does that mean she doesn't mean as much to you.  I feel guilty doing everyday stuff or even smiling cause I should be in bed screaming out her name and crying all day cause she meant that much.  So many mixed emotions to go thru.  Will post more later after the doctors appt exhausted right now.


  1. Holly Sweets!

    Don't feel guilty. Never feel guilty. Moving on with life DOES NOT make you love her any less. She is forever in your heart and watching over you. And little Lanie wouldn't want you to be sad forever.

    Chin up honey!! Smiling is good. Live for her and in memory of her. Be a proud happy momma!! :)

    Love you sweets!

  2. the "gets easier" is a loaded statment..more like you learn a "new normal" and it doesnt mean she isnt a part of you.You will think about her every day no matter the time, I am almost 6 years out since Ella grew her wings and not a day passes that she doesnt cross my mind..and sometimes I smile about it..sometimes I cry....all your feeling now is normal so please know that and dont feel will have days right after where you smile thinking of little moments about the hiccups you so loved to feel. Let all the emotions out and dont think twice...many prayers and lots of love

  3. Thinking of you! Dawn and AmySue are so right in what they said. She is forever in your heart.

  4. Thinking of you Holly, every day! We are here for you when you need anything! We love you!

    When your ready, if you need help with the photo editing as you stated, please let me know. I'd be honored and happy to help you!

  5. Holly-
    I'm a side photographer. I would definitely touch up the photos of your little angel if interested (for free obviously). email me at

    Praying for you and your family.
    Christine (Moorebabies)