Forced...

Forced myself to get out of bed today finally.  I need to remember I am still a mother and need to take care of my sweet son.  I got up around noon and got dressed remembered I hadn't ate since yesterday and went and had a quick bite down the street with Wendy (my sister).  It was my first time driving out in the world but I stayed close to home and it was fine somewhat relaxing.  After lunch I went to Target I was really nervous going by myself with no one to support me emotionally or anything if I needed it but I did okay and I knew who I was doing it for.  I tried to make sure I didn't wonder and went for the Easter section because I was trying to conserve my energy really more my incision tolerance I start walking fine and I am good then after a while my incision burns badly and starts oozing....GREAT right..so straight to the Easter section I went to take care of my baby boy.  I couldn't help but let my mind stray standing there in the bucket isle thinking of buying the little butterfly basket for Delanie but she wasn't alive and would never be able to use it.  Was a hard reality crash that I would never buy anything for her on a holiday or just everyday use.  Seems like everything in the whole store had butterflies on it....WHAT HAPPENED!  Before Delanie died I could never find butterfly stuff I had to dig deep to find what I had and now they are everywhere?  Seems like they are mocking me in one way and soothing me in another.  I quickly changed my focus back to Dustin and started arranging a easter basket for him and putting things in the cart.  I walked back to check out and there were about 5 women buying baby gift bags with a assortment of baby gifts in tote.  I wondered if who they were buying for was due the same time as me.  It was for a little girl just like mine too.  Shook my head again and walked to the car slowly because the pain again was there since I have not been wanting to take any pain medication.  Personal reasons I hate medications in my body.  I don't even like to drink because I am a control freak and don't like not being able to handle my own thoughts.  Sitting in the car I watched some of the ladies getting into their cars giggling and talking,  they were so happy I enjoyed thinking about that how happy they were in their own little bubbles and I was happy that hopefully that little girl would be born healthy and no one would feel pain.  I know it's not just me that Delanie's birth and death touched I know many people are hurting and in pain.  I feel so badly that my shower was just 4 days before she died.  Everyone was so happy and we really just felt FINALLY we reached a crossroads we are in the homestretch and doing this.  I really breathed a sigh of relief there because I really though we had a chance at taking home a baby.  I was so excited the next few days playing in her room and making it perfect I even opened some diapers and put them on her little changing table in baskets and looked thru all her stuff.  I ordered her some closet organizers to put all her pretty clothes in order.  I thought we had it all.  I thought we would finally be complete.  I know someday we will be again.  It's just the massive amount of waiting in life.  We waited so long to get her and then to be pregnant with her and then just to lose her at the end.  She was worth it time and time agian I would do it again even with the same outcome.  I would do all the injections again all the procedures and surgeries I would do it again for her sweet face and her sweet kicks and crazy hiccups.  She was worth it...