Alone and day....

Oh I know I need to talk to people but in a way I feel like I am talking to you all thru my blog.  Sorry friends but I am getting better and stronger and I think I will start again soon.  I did make some strides today.  Went to the doctor's this morning of course mine was on vacation again so I saw the other one that had assisted in my surgery actually.  He came in and asked how my baby was first....that was great.  I do have double mastitis it does actually look better today.  He switched my antibiotics because I had such a bad reaction on the other ones.  They took out my staples and a small middle section opened a little but still looks good just something to keep a eye out for.  After leaving the doctor's office we dropped off my script and had lunch I did eat a little soup and a little bit of salad.  Still not able to hold much.  But did go out in public.  We then went to target because I wanted to get some CD's to back up Delanie's pictures in the case that they might be lost on my harddrive or something definately don't want to take chances.  I also wanted to get some Thank you cards for some of the nurses and for John's work as they helped us greatly in Delanie's final expenses and gave John time off last week.  He is having a hard time at work not telling me but I know it.  We have been together since I was 16 years old I know him so well as he does me.  I know people say that things like this tear people apart but we have never been closer.  I know that in 45-60 minutes I will be hugging him when he gets home and that is something wonderful to look forward too as I was dreading not being right next to him today.  He is my comfort zone and it was hard to give him up today when I still need him so much.  I am alone now which is difficult.  I have to try to remember life before Delanie,  Life before pregnancy.  We had changed everything and now I have to find my way back somehow.  I don't really remember any old routines.  I wonder what did I do on my days off?  I want to do so much to stay busy but my infection and incision aren't helping and I get so tired so exhuasted.  Hopefully just wil time the physical gets better so that I can help myself more emotionally.  I want to walk and try to heal myself but right now 5 days post op is not the time too I know that.  I can't beleive it has only been 5 days.  Not even a week.  She was alive this time last week.  I was playing in her room with all the things we recieved from the baby shower.  I was so excited and planning all the cute outfits I would put her in with matching shoes and bows.  Her door is still closed and we still have not been in there.  I don't know when I will get strong enough for that.  I was strong enough to see her pictures and I was happy I did that.  I did cry alot but only cause she was so perfect.  I remembered her better then her pictures though.  They didn't do her justice.  I wish everyone could have met her and seen just how sweet and precious she was sleeping.  She was exactly what I wanted and hoped for.