Friday, April 8, 2011

At a loss....

Sitting here thinking on how to do this.  How do you tell and write about the story of end of your daughter.  The one you wanted to much and went through so much pain and suffering just to get here.  Two years of trying and procedures and such enduring and suffering course nothing compared to this.  I tried everything to keep her safe and still it turned out not enough to keep her here with us.  14 weeks of bedrest strictly followed orders.  I stayed away from caffienes and did all what the books said.  I endured skin breakdown and muscle loss just trying to make sure her little bubble was protected.  We were in the home stretch she was nearly there.  Nearly in our arms.  We were almost complete almost a whole family.  Her room was ready we had nearly everything for her, prepared to take her home in just a few weeks time.  Everything was going so well after the rough patches of getting her to this safer point.  I was experiancing so much in pregnancy this time that I was so happy to.  Watching and feeling her move inside me.  Feeling her hiccup so often.  and then this...nothing it's quiet my belly is flat and swollen only from the c-section scar and staples covering it.   We are taking this just one moment at a time I feel like we are taking a 12 step program and we are checking things off one at a time.  Sleeping is hard we either have nightmares or we have the bliss of feeling while sleeping nothing had happened then wake up to the nightmare of everything that did.  Eating is extremely hard not just from surgery but from the nerves and no desire.  Breathing comes one breath at a time.  If it wasn't for Dustin life would be unbearable.  He still manages to make us smile even when he is hurting at the same time.  There are times we have converstations and smile a little at the everyday life things but seems like we are trying like anything to just savor those at time.  To stray away from the pain for even moments helps.  We actually feel emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted.  Sometimes just feel like crying zombies muttering around a world that is still turning when it seems like ours has stopped.  We had adjusted to life with Delanie and living for her just as we did for Dustin.  Now we have to figure out how to live a new life without her and sometimes that just seems unbearable.  I guess I will go through the past few days briefly.  In part to remember myself and yes I know everyone loved her already and I thank everyone for their love care and support and we are watching everyones comments and well wishes we just can't seem to find the energy or strength to face people yet.  On Tuesday I was concerned I hadn't been feeling Delanie move as much because she a really big mover and very often like clockwork.  I was feeling her move though and she did have the hiccups only twice that day.  I picked up her heartbeat though and it was fine.  That night she slowed again as we laid in bed watching her and she felt distant in a way in my belly everything was much softer but I chalked it up to her being down lower or in a different position.  We went to bed that night and I was worried and prayed the last time I felt her was around 9 pm that night.  I fell asleep thinking about it.  Wenesday morning I was still thinking about it I ate breakfast at 600 in the morning to get her to move and she never did.  I took a hot shower and still nothing.  I had alot of discharge coming out so I was already going to call the doctor anyways so I waited until 0830 for the doctor's office to open.  I talked to the call nurse and she gave me a 935 appt time to get everything checked out.  I showed up to the appt I went by myself cause it was such short notice and I really figured it was maybe just her getting bigger and slowing down in movement.  They took me back to the NST room and had morons trying to hook me up to the montior for over a hour and they kept sending differnt ones back and they all said oh she is just moving to much to catch her.  Finally my doctor stuck her head in and said Holly we are just going to send you next door but I want to do a pelvic on you first to check your cervix.  So I went into another room and she told me the girls had said that Delanie was moving to much and she asked me if I had not felt that movement and I told her honestly I don't feel it.  She checked my cervix and it was nice and closed and stitches were intact and all.  She did a quick sono on a old machine that was a portable and said Delanie was very far down in the pelvis.  She tried to find a heartbeat but was really hard to see on that machine as things were fuzzy.  Then she moved me to the actual sono room and had me lay back.  She started doing the sono and I was watching knowing the anatomy being a nurse.  I saw the heart and that it was not moving.  Just sitting there and she was so still so very still.  Not like her.  The doctor said well let me get another doctor he is the one better at finding everything.  So another one came in and was looking and looking and I am the one that said I know her heart is not beating.  I know she is gone.  They both looked down and said yes there is no heartbeat.  We agreed that I wanted to go the the high risk doctor that is two doors down that I love.  She has better equipment and I am more at home there so I walked down there and they took me in after a couple of minutes and the nurse took me back and sat me in a NST room by myself so that I could be away from the people in the waiting room.  She talked to me and comforted me.  I texted John while waiting for a sono room to open to please come up to the hospital and that was it.  He called trying to get me to tell him things and I just said I was busy with doctor's and we were having the baby.  He was already in his truck so I knew he was in route I just didn't want to tell him over the phone for his safety and out of respect.  I walked into the sono room and they set me up and of course the doctor herself came in and did a sono.  There was no fluid around the baby and she again was still and so was her little heart.  I thought about the last time I was in that room and it was so much happier a time I wish I had cherished it longer.  The high risk dr was wonderful and she has helped me thru this more then anything.  She told me I could stay there until John came but I asked her if she could just get me a room in labor and delivery right away so that I could tell him in private and so he wouldnt have to walk thru a waiting room of pregnant women and husbands with smiles on their faces and pictures in hand.  She agreed and called right away.  I walked over to labor and delivery watched a family coming from there and going towards postpartum with it's a girl balloons and big brother shirts on and smiles.  I cringed and was happy for them but hurting all the same.  I turned the corner to labor and delivery and walked by the NICU the place I thought Delanie might have to do some growing up at.  I just looked down.  I walked into labor and delivery and told them my name I could hear my doctor still on the phone with the charge nurse so I filled out a small sheet for information and stood there.  They then turned to me and asked me my name and she came over and said she was sorry of course and took me back to a doctor's sleep room as all the labor and delivery rooms were full and they did not want to put me in a triage room with other mothers.  I told them my husband would be there shortly and if they could lead him back to me and that he did not know what was going on.  I waited in the small room by myself and sat and cried and tried to breath.  I thought and thought in my head trying to think about what had just happened that morning and and wanting to reverse time to 9 pm that night before and feel her again.  I kept thinking maybe this will be one of those stories where the baby comes out crying.  I thought to myself with the overwhelming urge to pull her out and start CPR on her maybe I could save her.  Then the rational side of me knew that wasn't possible.  Then I thought about my husband how he was in bliss still.  I enved him and wished I could keep him there.  I wish I wasn't about to break his heart.  I wish I could keep him from this horrid feeling of loss.  From knowing his precious little girl was still in my belly but gone.  I rubbed my belly and told her how sorry I was over and over.  I heard footsteps and knew who's they were the love of my life coming to his doom.  Each footstep my heart broke a little more.  He came in and smiled and looked like he was prepared to meet his daughter.  I couldn't talk I just hugged him then the words spilled out over and over.  We just held eachother crying and crying non stop.  After awhile and talking we were calmer.  We asked the nurse to please come draw my blood as they had to race a blood test across town to see if they could do the surgery sooner because my blood was thinned by the lovenox injection I take daily.  I needed that done because I needed her out not because I was grossed out but because I needed to see her and feel her.  We needed her.   They were nice and drew our blood then froze it and couried it to the next hospital to get read.  We waiting for a room to open hearing the baby lullaby over and over on the intercom as babies were being born healthy in this world.  We had to call my sister and sadly tell her over the phone the news even though I felt bad that no one should hear that over the phone.  But she was the only one with a key to our house and knew were all our belongings were.  I told her and of course that did not go well.  She did go to the house and grab what all we asked for and then quickly came to the hospital with us.  About a hour of her being there they finally had a room for us on a quiet hall acrossed from the OR. It was very nice room 14 with big windows that I enjoyed looking thru while we waited.  We called some more people inbetween only those we had to.  Parents were the hardest.  We also called Kimmy so that she could go pick out something for our daughter to wear.  Something preemie size so that she would fit.  We brought John's grandmothers blanket she had made for her.  We tried to think about things logically even though it seemed it was so hard to do at the time.   The anesthsia doctor and my OBGYN had been fighting about the time of surgery and we were in the middle.  They kept saying it would be maybe at 5pm and then another scenerio was at 9pm when it would be 24 hours from my last lovenox injection.  They were waiting on the results to come back from the clotting bloodwork.  I starred in space most of the time cried the rest.  A million things going thru my head at once.  At around 6 pm alot of people came in the room to prepare me for the c-section my dad also came in just about 2 minutes before and was consoling me.  Before I could talk to him much at all they were shaving me and putting the hat on and socks and such and starting a fluid bolus.  My high risk doctor had rode in there like a cowboy making everyone move faster and had a talk with the ansethsia doctor and had set him straight on that he was doing my surgery and now and all sorts of other stuff.  I swear she sparkled when she came in the room.  She was so sincere and so sweet to us.  I was taken to the OR fast and the surgery started shortly after.  I was able to get my spinal which is what we were fighting about mostly cause the ansethsia doctor wanted to put me under completely but I refused.  I wanted as much time with her as possible and wake up time would have take that away.  That all went good and I was laid back and eagerly watched the door for my husband to come into the room then I could relax a little bit more.  Finally he came in and they started quickly I watched him and he smiled so sweetly to me and held my hand and I felt more in love with him by the second.  He loved me so much.  I focused on him and tried not to listen to anything else.  He paid attention and was upset by alot of what the doctor had done but told me later.  Soon enough after much tugging and pulling and at 1842 my daughter was born into the world sleeping like a angel. I saw them walk her to the warmer and she looked like a term baby just still.  They were listening for a heartbeat and cleaning her off.  They wrapped her and asked John if he wanted to hold her and he said yes eagerly and walked around with her holding her and showed her to me.  She was so pretty everything and more I could have asked for in a daughter.  She looked everything like her father he has such strong genes even more then Dustin looked like him.  After those breif moments the nurse came and took her so that she could give her a bath and then bring her back.  The closed my section then moved me down to remove my cerclage.  After that I was moved back to the labor and delievery room and it was time for a new nurse.  Which we were blessed with a great one Jessica.  She took over Delanie and finished putting baby lotion on her and she smelled so soft and sweet.  John was walking around smiling and holding her.  They each looked so peaceful almost like you could just pretend.  I was shaking so bad from the surgery I couldn't hold her yet.  John helped me hold her and I really got a good look at her.  She had his chin, nose, cheeks and eyes and his cow lick in the back of his head.  She had a head full of hair which I was so surprised with.  She was so breath taking.  She looked so sweet and just as if she was sleeping in our arms.  We talked to her and kissed her.  We were all alone in the room with her for awhile.  We took some pictures then.  Then we let Wendy and Kimmy in and they got to meet our daughter as well.  They again were amazed at how much she looked like her daddy.  We held her longer and then I finally decided that it was time to call the nurse and do the pictures thru the hospital and footprints and such and we needed to measure her.  We knew already she weighed 3 pounds 5 oz.  And after measuring her she was 16 inches long.  She had big feet and long hands.  The nurse was AWESOME helping us take pictures and she took some too and did 3D foot prints out of molding and handprints to that were outstanding.  She wanted to take a lock of her hair but for some reason I couldn't do that she was so perfect.  I didn't want to hurt her in any way.  We spent a few more hours with her and then it was me and John alone again.  We held her awhile longer and then decided it would be best to say goodbye because we wanted to remember her warm and soft and sweet.  We said a heart wrenching goodbye and the nurse came and wrapped her up and carried her down herself.  We cried longer.  When the nurse came back we were transferred to a postpartum room on another floor that was quieter.  I was in alot of pain by that time and did take some pain medication.  The next nurse was very nice her name was Cheryl.  She was very motherly but caused me alot of peace for some reason in her presence.  She took good care of both of us and made sure we were as comfortable as posssible.  We were both exhausted but found sleep did not come easy.  We talked and greived and dozed off from time to time but were up every hour.  I had some issues throughout the night with destating and urine output and pain but Cheryl handled them excellently and helped keep me clean and comfortable and even woke me up for pain medication.  She took my vitals every hour and always seemed to be there but was never a bother but a comfort.  I was already drinking water and fluids and doing well with that.  I had bowel sounds by the time I was in my postpartum room.  Which was really good.  By morning time we had slept 2 hours straight which was a little stretch we needed.  We started making contacts with chaplins and tried to see a social worker.  We had some vistors family only.   We had Dustin brought up there and told him about his sister as he did not know yet.  He took it well and was focusing on comforting mommy and daddy which made it harder.  He asked alot of questions and we answered them all.  He was sad and said some awesome things that brought us to tears.  He looked at pictures and her footprints and smiled at them all.  Jessica had brought me our sweet memory box before she left for her shift.  It all came out so well.  We spent the day mourning and just trying to breath on and off.  We were so exhausted.  We chose a funeral home to come get Delanie and we had made our final choices on her.  We went back and forth on all our options.  We logically thought them thru cause who thinks of these things before they happen.  We chose to cremate her with good points behind that reasoning.  We chose a wonderful funeral home who agreed even to pick her up at 730 that night for no extra charge so that I made sure she would leave before I did so that we did not drive away from that hospital leaving her behind.  We talked about services over and over and we decided we love everyone and care about them and know that they all love Delanie but we just can't do it.  We are weak and not strong enough to go thru with services.  We can't bare to greive infront of alot of people right now and we don't exactly know everything that we could do to fill up the service time either since she was just a small little baby and we chose definately not to have a viewing as we did not want her sweet body messed with.  We did not want everyone to remember her that way either.  We want them to think of her and smile not try to forget the way she looked laying there.  We are just so weak that is all I can describe us with its like the life left us partly when Delanie did.  My doctor agreed to let us go early even though its unheard of for c-sections to go home that early.  But we just wanted to get the leaving the hospital part over.  I knew coming home would hurt to and I was dreading it aswell.  But it was another step to take.  We woke up that morning and got dressed I had already showered the night before and removed my bandages.  We tried pain pills and sleeping pills to get us to sleep that night and it did work for some part of the early morning hours but not the night time.  That morning however we ate breakfast and met with the doctor again and asked some questions signed our paperwork and packed up to go back to life.  Back without our daughter.  The ride home was long.  Here we are just trying to breath my sister came and put everything up in her room to help me.  I have the door shut I just can't look in there I might not for awhile.  People have sent flowers and they are pretty I do like to look at them.  Now just to find a way to live until tomorrow then we will worry about the next day and so on after.  I am so sorry I have not responded to everyone individually but know that it's not you we have talked to no one and we just are not strong enough yet.  But we are reading peoples messages.  We do feel loved and supported.  We are just trying to breath that is all we can do right now.  All I can think of.  I am not sure what tongiht will bring as your support and love I wish it could be for a more happier time and reason though.  We will be sharing pictures of our sweet girl to whom that wants to see them prolly on the blog but we will have to see if we can protect them somehow first from coping and pasting.  Thank you all once again and I am sorry if this is jumbled and I am sure I left alot out but my mind is not with me all the way.  We will be meeting with the funeral director tomorrow to talk with her about Delanie's cremation.


  1. Holly, John, and Dustin. My heart aches for you. I know you won't believe it now, but in time you will be able to live again. You will live a "new normal" life.
    You know that I know what this pain is, and I know there's nothing I can do to help you. But please know that I am here for you and praying for your hearts to heal. I love y'all and if there's anything I can do, please please don't hesitate to call me.

    Christie Frazier & Family

  2. I am so very sorry for your loss... I can't not imagine the pain and know you did everything you needed to do to keep her safe, and while we might not understand at this moment, god needed her to be with him. You are such a inspiration and she is so grateful I know for all you endured for her. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, and when the time is right, I would love to see her beautiful face. Again she is a angel!

  3. Holly- I'm sitting here in heart aches for you. I'm so relieved that you have a wonderful and supportive family to help you through this. I wish I could do more to help, but just know that I will be praying for you, Delanie, and the rest of your family. We are always here for you...if there is ANYTHING i can do...don't hesitate. You will have the most beautiful angel watching over you.
    Christine (Moorebabies on FF)

  4. i am so very heartbroken for all of you.. i have no words.. im always here for you. im so very sorry for your loss.. many hugs

  5. Holly, John and sweet Dustin,
    My heart aches. I am so very sorry for your loss. Holly and John, hold on to one another, lean on each other just as you did on those dreadfully, difficult days of your time in the NICU those 10yrs ago. Holly, hold on to the many sweet memories of the hiccups (just to name a few). Bless you all....I cannot express my heart felt sympathy. Much love and many, many hugs.
    Shelley Alexander Sanchez

  6. Holly, no one can realize the pain that you and your family are going through at this time. I will tell you that I am one that can sympathize with you. As you well know, I had a most beautiful stillborn daughter 35 years ago and it is one of the hardest things that God has put us through. I tried very hard to get pregnant with Dana Dawn and after five struggling years, my miracle was finally granted only to have a heartbreak nine months later. However, God blessed us with two wonderful girls after that, both of which you are friends with today. (Dana and Dawn). I will tell you that there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and wonder what she looked like, felt like, smelt like and would have grown up like. You have been very blessed to have had the precious moments that you had with her. Back 35 years ago, it was not allowed by the physicians. It will be very hard in the upcoming weeks, months, years but God knows your grief and hurt and will comfort you. Remember that she is a little angel up there in heaven. You will get to see her again some day. My daughters father just passed away and Dede told me the other day that she dreamed that as he walked through those pearly gates that Dana Dawn came running up to him screaming “Daddy”. Just to know that he can now be a daddy to her is the most precious gift that the Lord has given to me in the last couple weeks. Just cherish the time that you have with your family now and spend every moment you can with them. They are all a blessing. Delanie would want you to do that. Life will go on but there will never be a day that you will not think about her. She is a part of you and your family and always will be. We buried Dana Dawn at Sunset in Babyland so that I could go out there and visit her tombstone often. Cremation will give you the opportunity to always have her close to you. That must have been a hard decision. I know at the time, that was very difficult for me. I know that as Registered Nurses, people think that we know everything about medicine; however, this is something only God can explain. God has a plan for us all and she was not a plan for this horrible world. Like you said, she was too perfect to endure this horrible earth. May God bless you and your family and remember I may not have all the answers but I have been there and I may be able to offer some answers to some of the many questions you may come up with. Please feel free to call me if you ever want to. I would be so happy to talk to you. God bless and keep you in his warm and wonderful hands until you are reunited with Delanie again. ………Betty Drury (Dana and Dede’s mom)

  7. Holly,john and Dustin:

    I am so sorry for all of you...words can not take away the pain.
    God needed your little princess for a greater mission as you know he only takes the BEST.we are here for all of you when you are ready to reach out.I also would love to see pictures of your princess when you are ready to share her

  8. There are no words, none. Hugs to all of you and holding on tight.

  9. Holly, Johna nd Dustin,

    I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are suffering. I cried when I found out, and cried again when I read this blog. I hope my tears help your Angel reach the pearly gates safely. x x x x x x x
    I wish tehre was more I could do, other than wirte such feeble words.
    Love to you all x x x xx x x
    Pawprints from FF

  10. Holly,you are an amazing woman and I am so sorry for your family's loss. May God be with you and watch over you. God Bless you and your family.
    Love, Stefanie Mayes

  11. I'm so sorry Holly. I'm thinking about all of you. Huge hugs.
    Sheri (TMH)

  12. I heard about you through mutual friends. My daughter Robbie Nicole was born sleeping 9 months ago. My heart broke for you reading your story. If you need someone, please please call or text or email me. This loss is something that no one will understand but the ones that know it. 210-310-5987

    Margie Dunk