Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Today I could tell was a high emotion day so I have kept myself so busy that I have barely had time to remember my name.  So now here I sit at the end of the day pondering on my thoughts and feelings.  I have been up and at it since 6 am ignoring any pain I might be feeling but just pushing forward with the feeling I have to keep going don't stop if you stop you will just lose it.  So I have been pushing myself to the max cause today I just didn't want to do that I didn't want to go thru it just not today.  Yes things get easier over time I wouldn't say better just easier or even maybe just busier.  The truth is yes you have to keep going you have to stay afloat and your head above water because if you start to let in the water even just a little on days like this you feel like you are drowning instantly with one emotion.  I was laughing at myself earlier cause I was watching the news about the new terroists alerts changing.  I said wow that is what I am going to start doing around here!  Our emotions starting at red zone and so on.  Made me giggle a little bit.  I know there are all the phases of grief and I am just so far moving back and forth in between them no real direction to it.  Some days I am fine I even have gone days without crying but others not so fine.  All the emotions seem to change like the wind and just as easy.  One minute you are wanting to be alone then another you are begging for company.  I have decided that grief takes on multiple personalities in sorts.  Everyday trials sometimes seem to much to bear today I got a phone call from our bank fraud department saying someone was trying to use my debit card for different purchases.  The bank easily took care of it and caught it fast thank god.  But when getting off the phone I wanted to scream to these crooks!  Like don't you know what we have just been thru??  I feel like I want to scream it to the world sometimes like HELLO look at my face this is grief this is the worse thing that could happen then other times I want to hide it or feel like I am wearing it on my forehead.  I want to show her to people just to prove she was a real person that she wasn't a fetus she was a baby she was perfect she was so sweet and so beautiful.  I had imagined what she had looked like for so long and that dream came true but only with a massive nightmare behind it.  I want everyone to know how truly special she was and how wanted she was though I know most previous followers do.  She was our miracle our second chance we almost made it with tons of hard work and pain, sweat and tears.  We were almost there just to late.  I think back on the nights and days before the birth of Delanie.  The if's and only's.  If only I had gone in when her movement was still there but slower.  If only....if only I had known at my shower that she might have been sick if only I would have known she would die days later and all that massive amount of happiness would fade away.  If only I would have known that beautiful room would remain empty and all the hard work would be wasted on it being so perfect.  If only I could have made my husband understand the bond of a father to daughter if only I could give that to him.   Hoping and praying still for better tomorrows or at least easier ones.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but I don't. I am praying for you and your family.