Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Angel one week
Today is one week since we said goodbye to our angel. This morning last week I still thought she was alive just being lazy and that she was a bigger gestation now. That is what I was telling myself even though in the back of my mind I was screaming help. I called the doctor's office at 830am this morning when they opened worring about my non moving daughter. She could have only been passed a few hours. She had to have passed away sometime in the night. She slipped away from her mommy and daddy and brother. Forever to burn a huge hole in our hearts and unbearable pain to work thru. We will get thru it together that I know John and I have been thru so much in our time together and we always no matter what make it thru holding hands and each other tightly. He is my everything and he has been so wonderfully supportive and caring and perfect always to do and say everything right even when who knows what they are supposed to do in this hard situation. I count my blessings for that. Dustin has been asking more and more questions sometimes painful to hear but we make sure we answer each question. He is confused about the cremation process and asks questions about funerals and services and doesn't understand why we aren't having one and how Delanie is coming home in a box. Something I never thought I would have to work on clarifing to my young son. He looks at babies in stores and stares at them and asks if they are the same size as Delanie and responds on how cute they are. It breaks my heart but he says it all with a smile. Last night was hard yesterday was torture. Hoping today is different less pain even though today is the day she was born a week ago. I wish I could reverse time and save her. I wish there would have been some sign other then slower movement I wish that would have been enough to throw my head into alarms. I wish I was visiting a baby in the NICU and pumping my milk for her other then calling back in forth to the funeral home to keep things moving along. I will say this about my doctor practice. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. We have not put all the OBGYN's stuff on here but they are very wrong and I hope karma never bites them in the butt cause that is alot of karma and I would never wish that on a living person. We were and are being treated badly and my daughter was and is to. That makes it harder as well. However my high risk doctor is very supportive and we love her dearly. We are still debating on when sharing her wonderful pictures. Still have to get stronger on that one. She was breathtaking. She has her daddy's everything really looks alot like John I couldn't find one feature of me. She had his chin to a tee and his cheeks, eyes, and nose and she shared Dustin and John's feet and crooked pinkies as well. We did get laughs out of that. She was exactly what I ordered and ever wanted. I pray for her and that I can hold her again one day. I pray my arms are not forever empty of a sweet newborn and that someday when the time is right god will bless our family with another healthy child for my son to be with forever. I don't want him to be alone later in life I want him to always have someone to lean on and share grief with when his father and I leave this world. I want a house full of grandchildren around our old christmas tree and people fighting and misbehaving. People sometimes don't cherish their children so much they take them for granted they take their pregnancies for granted. We are good people we fight to try to concieve our children then fight to carry them then deliver them and then we raise them smiling and appreciating every milestone. We are thankful we have Dustin and if we didn't have him we would both be crazy locked up talking to imaginary people. I know god loves me I don't hate him or lose faith even though my faith is hurt but I know god stood beside my son and held his hand and helped him make it thru the NICU when he wasn't supposed to live. Dustin had hardly any chance at life and I got granted a miracle and he lived and lived to be perfect and healthy. Some parts of me thinks maybe I am only allowed one miracle maybe I am to greedy to ask for another. But all these people in the world get multiple miracles why can't I have just two? That's all we want. We don't abuse are children we love them dearly we raise him hand in hand we spend every moment possible loving him and guiding him and providing for him. We spoil him and kiss him and tell him we love him prolly 20 times a day both of us do. We are good parents. We are some of the best and I know that. Why can't we have a healthy child. I will keep praying and praying and hopefully god will get tired of my prayers and help me fill this emptiness in my arms.