This weekend....

It has been healing and I have smiled some and enjoyed being with my son and husband all weekend long.  Saturday was a bit hard when John went to the wedding but I was glad he did see some people he hadn't in a long time and made a appearance for both of us and he honored his sweet daughter by wearing a pink shirt something really hard for my brawny husband to do.  John is trying to do his best to get me to feel better and I know he is.  He had me cut my hair at a nice place made the appt then drove me there and waited with his son on their little couch and smiled at me the whole way which was encouraging.  We had alot of good meals together this weekend and went outside alot.  I am so proud of him for loving me so much.  I know he is dealing with the loss of his daughter too but he focuses on my pain for the most part.  We went to the movies and a couple places today.  The whole time I was in the movies I was thinking if these people knew I lost a daughter not even two weeks ago they would be giving me trashy looks for not being home in bed or crying my eyes out 24/7.  That is what I feel like I need to be doing for her.  I feel so guilty for living life without her although I know all the right logical and spiritual answers to that.  And I know I can't do that for Dustin's sake and my husband's sake.  I stare at babies in their mother's arms all the time and think that should have been me.  I want to run over to their table and sooth the crying baby.  John asked me today if we wanted to switch tables because we were surrounded by newborn babies at our lunch table.  I told him no because I am going to have to face it and none of those babies are my baby and none of them could come close to replacing her for sure.  But I wish it was me.  I did all the hard work and got nothing in my arms to walk away with.  Don't get me wrong I am still very happy I got to carry her and feel her and know her from the inside.  And I am happy we got to see her and hold her for a long 4 hours because there are many women and men that never got that chance.  The could of or should of's still rack my brain even though I know there is nothing I can do about it now but it still hurts and burns hopefully over time it does less and less.  I feel sometimes I talk about her to much to everyone but she is all that is ever on my mind so it's hard.  I feel sometimes in my little brain that people think I should be over her already and move on.  Course I know many people prolly don't feel that way but in my head it can be evil and then it goes to good and then back again.  Hopefully alot less evil over the next few weeks.  It's not that I want things to be back to normal because my normal is gone and lost and never to be found again.  It's about finding a new breathable normal.  Something I can wake up to and not dread waking up and trudging on thru another day like a crying zombie.  I think back at how I in the back of my mind knew something was different in the pregnancy.  I stalled on getting her room done.  With Dustin I had everything pretty much completed by 20 weeks.  With Delanie we didn't start until around 25 weeks maybe later then that even Dustin would have already been born.  I always said I saw myself as a mother to three children and I knew we were only having 2 children as we know that is plently for us but here I am already a mother of 2 just one of them being a angel.  I wonder when we are ready to try again if people will still be happy for us and support us.  I wonder if week by week they will be waiting for something to happen.  I wonder if they will hesitate to celebrate or love the baby.  I wonder if annoucing the sex of the baby will be fun for them because they don't want to get attached.  Then I wonder on the other side the feeling of relief when they hand me a healthy baby that is peeping around and breathing and crying out loud.  I wonder what that feeling will feel like.  I am sure it will be a moment in time.  I think of all these things and even more all through out the day prolly why I am mentally exhausted.  I am praying to my god every night to lead me in the right path.  I did skip praying for a few nights after Delanie was born and passed.  Not because I blamed him but I just didn't have the strength.  I know he did not take her I know he did not kill her I know he just protected her and gave her safe passage.  I just got to keep beleiving that and hope for the best and pray for the better.