searching....

Searching today for something to feel better and get rid of this anger that burns inside me from time to time.  Always random times never something scheduled or with a certain trigger it is always sporadic and so unpredictable like many of my new found emotions.  I know some people may think god woman it's been 3 weeks stop talking about her already start healing stop hurting.  But to those,  you have not been thru the rawest of emotions and if you have well everyone is different in their own stages of healing and if you got over the death of a child in three weeks more power to you.  I will say yes there are easier times.  There are simpler times like walking thru a store and not thinking of the daughter you lost but thinking of what you want for dinner this week.  Those are moments you actually pray for moments of normalcy that get you thru the darkness of your days filled with sorrow and grief.  You hold on to the simplest things and pray for more to come.  But in the back of your mind there is always the dark cloud of grief following you and you might not feel it as strong when those simple moments happen.  You don't forget it ever but it just may lose strength and allow other feelings and the flow of normalcy in to dull the ache.  I think about her I try to take myself back to the happy moments with her and if only I could rewind the clock of time and save my daugther.  I think back if only I knew the exact moments of her losing her life I would have cut her out myself and helped her.  I am a nurse I do that I save babies I have the skills but in this case they were useless.  I was useless.  I could have saved her why didn't I know what was happening when I was there it was inside me.  How much closer could I get.  I even think about the moments after her death and how I wished so bad that everything was wrong and when she was born I heard the soft whimper of a cry in the room.  I pray that when I watched the nurse listen closely for any heartbeat she would have a shocked look on her face.  I prayed it would have been different but instead it was a head shake and a look down.  I prayed.  I hoped and wished.  I know these are things I can not change no I do not have that power nor does anyone in existance.  But I can still silently torture myself from time to time with the hurt of the reality that no matter what she is still gone.  Her hello was a forever goodbye.  I wish it was a dream.  Don't get me wrong my thoughts are not always this dark but like I have said prior they change drastically and on a dime.  I could be thinking of that one moment and jump to something else quickly at the sight or scent or thought of something different.  That is the craziness of a mother's mind without her child.  It's really hard to understand as I am still learning and watching and wondering what will come next.  I went to the book store today think I was searching for something.  I went to try to find infant loss books not sure what kind I was wanting either personal stories or doctor's thinking they knew what they were talking about based on statistics and patient encounters.  But I found that there is no section for that.  There is nothing to go to because it's something unspoken of and hopefully really never high in demand.  So in some weird way I was disappointed but not really because I was happy their weren't people marching in there in need of such a book.  I still wish the best for everyone I would never wish this pain on anyone.  People don't anger me that are pregnant and maybe complaining about it or on drugs or other horrible situations because no one really deserves this no matter who they are or their situation.  No baby deserves to die before they have lived.