Saturday, April 16, 2011

10 days..

Counting is still going on although not as bad anymore it's really funny when it hits you though at the oddest of times today we were driving by a bank sign and I saw the date and time on it.  I almost started bawling right there just out of no where.  It hits you like a ton of bricks at the oddest of times.  Some babies you pass by in the store or little girls holding their mommy's hands don't bother you and just make you smile.  Then there are some that really get to you and wish what could have beens.  Today started out good I think I am overdoing it at times but I am not ready to slow down.  I am getting just a little bit sorer incision wise.  Breasts are better but the infection is still there and of course milk production.  This morning we woke up and went and had breakfast I ate a little still can't eat much.  Not sure if its more the anxiety or the stomach is just not back to normal yet.  After that we went to the store to get John a shirt for a wedding he went to tonight.  It's one of his dear friend's at work daughter's wedding that he is really close to so he wanted to go out of respect and thankfullness for them trying to help us so much during this hard time.  I however am still not strong enough emotional wise or physcially.  But John kept the spirit alive and went and bought a pink button up shirt to honor his daughter.  I know it will be hard for him to sit thru and watch a dear friend dance with his daughter and give her away.  I know he will be wondering if that will ever be him or that could have been.  I know it will tear up his broken heart more.  It hurts to be away from him right now and I am hoping he comes home soon.  I do have Dustin here to keep me company we sat on the porch for the evening time and I watched him decorate our driveway in chalk some of it dedicated to his little sister <3  What a sweet heart right <3  I know to count my blessings daily and I still know god is good to us.  I know god did not kill my child or take her life.  I know something happened and god saved her somehow from pain.  I don't beleive he takes away.  Even if she was taken away I am still thankful to know her and have the honor to carry such a pretty little girl that was so sweet in my belly.  She let me experiance so much.  I am also thankful for all the support we are recieving and that is making me stronger in faith as well.  There is so much bad in the world but then when something like this happens the beams of light shine thru and help you feel the warmth and love.  We have gotten some cards and sweet things in the mail people care about us so much.  They cared about her so much.  She did change lives she did have a purpose and she did make a difference.  I was telling John the other day how it is weird because I had a brother born stillbirth on April 5th 1980 his name was Micah Ren.  April 5th is actually prolly when Delanie went to the lord as well.  I always said I was so thankful to Micah because if he had not passed away I would never had been born because my parent's only wanted 3 children.  I ALWAYS have thought of him and what he gave up for me in a way and I hope that my future child may feel the same way about her or his big sister.  We will never forget Delanie not one second of any day.  We are starting on her garden soon just waiting for quotes for fencing.  That will be a place to always remember her and think of her and talk to her.  I know it will help Dustin to talk to his sister there and have peace.  That is all we can hope for anymore is peace.  We are hoping to have her home on Tuesday.  All the paperwork is now signed and we were granted a permit for cremation she will be taken for that on Monday and hopefully home on Tuesday.  Finally hopefully closure.  No more staring at the funeral home knowing my daughter is there.  Prayers the days get easier after that.  Even though I know they will never be the same.

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