Monday, April 18, 2011

Funeral home called.

I guess the quick prayers worked because the funeral home just called and they have Delanie ready to be picked up today and not tomorrow.  Which I am happy about but have other confused feelings as well which I did not expect.  Now her body is gone from this earth I know I still have ashes but I mean her little face and features.  She was so perfect.  It just brings me back to when she was born and I loved every feature about her and now in a way that is gone with her little soul.  I think it will be good though I think it's just that door closing.  It hurts right now but hopefully less later because of the closure.  I am wondering how it will be to pick her hard it will be to take my daughter home in a little urn.  We are going together when John gets home from work.  I will have to take Dustin with me which might help him understand a little better.  I just don't know how tonight will be.  I can't guess on feelings because they seem to turn at a dime.  I didn't even expect these or I guess just didn't think about them once her body is gone.  I wanted it to happen for closure but now I am sad about it as well.  Everything about this horrid experaince is so confusing.  I miss my husband right now I wish he could rush home and tell me it is going to be okay but here I sit alone but in a way I am okay with that too.  It has been easier to be alone today.  I have been trying to fill my day getting things done and then feel like I got hit with a bomb even though I prayed for this bomb.  I guess I will have more and more though the day she would have been born May 19th and her due date June 7th and then the doctor's appt to find out all the results.  All these will be bombs.  All the holidays this year will sting a little because there should be a rosey chubby cheeked baby at each event for the first time.  I just wish I could see her growing up and what she would have looked like exactly.  Would she have curly hair or straight?  What kind of personality she would have.  How would her brother and her gotten along later?  All these and many more constantly fill my mind.  I took the towel out from  under her door today I can see the pink shining thru from the hall across from my room.  It's one step....I haven't gone in there.  I do look at it from the outside window sometimes.  You can't see all of it but just a few places.  I know I need to heal but my mind is constantly on wanting another baby.  This is something I will have to work thru as well.  But that is for another time to blog about.

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