Saturday, April 9, 2011

if it was only enough

As if recovering from a painful c-section and the prolonged bedrest body were not enough my milk decided to give me yet another painful reminder this morning that my daughter's milk was here but no daughter to give it to.  You think you almost can breathe and then something else takes that one breath you are trying to take away.  Dustin came in this morning and laid inbetween us so sweetly and was rubbing my hair and belly.  He ran his fingers along my staples and whispered I am sorry she is gone mommy.  It nearly killed me but touched me at the same time.  He asked if we knew why she was so sick and why when she was born they couldn't give her a little bit of air and try to give her medicine.  I had to explain how she had already passed before otherwise the same nurses that saved him would try to have saved her very hard.  We talked more about souls and heaven and baby seeds and when my body would be ready for another baby.  We talked and talked in the dark just the two of us snuggled tightly.  It was very theraputic.  The night was less hard this time as John and I both were exhausted and wanted away from the nightmare so we both took sleeping pills the doctor had given us and my mom promised to watch over Dustin for us incase he woke for anything.  They did work and we did sleep the whole night until I saw the sun rise in the window and automatically touched my missing belly for a movement of good morning from my daughter only to find a row of staples and no belly and no baby.  Although I love those moments of bliss and forgetfulness I hate the reailty when you break thru them.  I know in a few hours we will be going to the place where Delanie is at least where her little pretty face is.  They asked us over and over if we would like to see her there one last time but we have told them no.  We don't want to think of her like that.  The moments we did spend with her she was warm and still pink and soft and smelled so sweet.  We don't want to tarnish those precious few memories we had with our only daughter.  People are still asking about services but we just can't take a service we just can't bare to breath thru it.  We know people need closure as well but we just can barely function right now.  We are going to get her cremated to keep her little body pure and untouched.  We are just taking it one step at a time with things that need to be taken care of right away.  We are both sadly dreading returning to work.  I will be off for the full 6 weeks to recover from a almost term delivery c-section so that will help.  In that time I need to prepare my body and soul for the real world again.  I know people say it gets easier but I can't even grasp that at this moment.  I know it will but right now its still so fresh tonight it will be just 72 hours since her birth.  Right now 72 hours ago I was waiting to feel her in my belly and waiting for the doctor's office to open to call them to tell them my concerns.  The countdowning down of everything.  I will keep blogging on here and when we are strong enough we will share pictures of our sweet baby girl that was so perfect it will take your very breath away.  Just time.....until then when we ourselves are even ready to view them because we haven't yet looked at them.  I will blog about this journey in hopes someone else later on maybe going thru the same thing will take comfort in it somehow.


  1. Holly just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Just like his Mommy, Dustin is an amazing person. Don't worry about everyone else. You need to do what is right for you, John and Dustin. Big hugs.
    Sheri (TMH)