Saturday, November 5, 2011

7 Months my love

It's been 7 months tomorrow that my Delanie was born into this world and delivered to god.  I know that I have not wrote in a short while but I feel like sometimes I am writing the same things over and over and that people will eventually get annoyed with my harping about grief and missing her so much.  But the fact is there is never a time that she isn't near my thoughts or consuming my conversation or dreams.  I find myself trying to be watchful in fear I talk about her to much.  I can't stop myself sometimes because she is always on my mind.  When you mind is constantly consumed by a subject in life whatever you are going thru at that time whether it be pregnancy,wedding, divorce and such you find yourself always crossing the subject or molding your conversations to what is going on in your life.  Well Delanie is mine.  I think of her all the time.  Half the time people think I am day dreaming when I am quietly pondering something at work or staring off at a baby and yes it is Delanie that is consuming me at that moment.  I find myself looking at baby's fingers and toes and bringing myself back to holding her in my arms.  It's not a hurtful moment.  Just a remembering moment in time.  Sometimes during this time of her angel day I feel like I am in a ground hog day movie.  It's like I relive the day and the events each month.  I think now as I am typing this the night before her birth is the hardest really.  This time right now she was alive.  She was active but felt distant and was not moving as much.  John and I layed in the bed and debated on going in or calling the doctor but when I thought about calling she would move again.  I made the wrong choice.  But I don't know if they would have done or caught anything if I had gone in since her heart tones were still normal.  That all lays in the unknown and the facts that I can't change or undo what I did or didn't do.  I wish things would have been different but they aren't and were not.  Tonight 7 months ago she was alive and well and all my dreams coming true wrapped up in a perfect pink bow.  Tomorrow was the birth of my beautiful angel and the beginning of my awakening to a new world.  A world of knowledge that bad things can happen.  The unimaginable happens.  The layer thought of protection and blissfullness forever burst.  Tomorrow was the first and last times my lips would touch her and I would hold her and I would smell her and rub my fingers thru her lovely locks of hair.  I think of silly things sometimes.  Like how she would never suck and would never have a bottle and none of that ever touched her lips.  I think of even in her death some things I wish I would have done and changed.  I wish I had taken more pictures then what I had even though I have several.  How can you ever really have enough?  After all they are all you will ever have.  I wish Dustin would have seen her but I was in fear for him at the time.  I wish more people would have met her now.  But then again those close moments we wanted to soak up every minute of her warmth and beauty.  Nuzzling her face with my cheek and smelling her freshly bathed head was pure joy.  She makes my heart smile just thinking of her but my arms ache.  Tonight I hope is the worst of it.  Because I work tomorrow.  I am just wondering if I will forever be playing this groundhog day nightmare.

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