Friday, September 23, 2011

And so it begins....

The past few months the counting has not been so bad.  But I think it has only just really begun.  Today last year I was upset.  I was crying holding a stark blank pregnancy test and wondering when my turn to love again would happen.  I was torn up and felt defeated thinking why on earth god would not bless me with a angel because I knew I was a good mother.  I knew the love we had for eachother and for our children.  Why wouldn't god give us a special angel for this family?  I awoke the next morning September 24th and swore I wouldn't test again and began cleaning my house on my day off.  Around 1030-1100am I got to my bathroom and went to cleaning out all the cabinets and sinks and toilet.  Under the cabinet there was one test left out of one of my old boxes that I must have missed.  The expiration date was fine on it and I figured what the heck one more time after all I am not buying another box what is wasting this one?  Besides the heartache of another blank white box with one line instead of two.  I took my time and then opened the package after yelling at myself in the mirror for awhile.  I took the last test and sat there looking at it as I always did.  I watched the shade of pink swim over the white box from one line to the other.  The lines both stayed.....two lines?  Really?  Finding out you are pregnant after trying for so long is like a fire drill in a real fire.  You prepare and think about everything you are going to do but for some reason think it will never happen.  Oh my god what do I do now?  It's actually positive?  What is the next step?  How do I feel?  Is it real?  I wonder if the test is messed up?  Don't get excited Holly it has to be a mistake?  Keep your gaurd up stay calm drive to target and buy every box on the damn shelf!  So that is what I did.  Test after test said that my dream and prayer had been answered.  My angel was on her way.  My special delivery.  We had been selected to be parent's once again.  Little did we know just how special of a angel had selected us.  Delanie knew her time was short on this earth and she CHOSE us to spend it with!  She chose me to carry her love her feed her and grow her.  All with those two lines my world would change and never be the same again.  I would know a new type of love and a new learning of the world of grief.  Those two lines.  The rest of the afternoon after the marathon empting of my bladder,  I thought of how and when I would tell John.  I wanted it to be special for him but I was so excited I knew I HAD to tell him that day or I would just blurt it out from over excitement.  I ran to the store and bought two bibs and some sign poster board and made my annoucement and placed it on the bed.  IF you look back at the posts last year on this blog you will see the pictures of how we told everyone about our new found pregnancy.  I wish I could rewind to those times I was so happy.  John was so light hearted and he glowed with pride as I did as well.  Our family would be completed soon and that would be the closing chapter of our child bearing years.  Was kind of sad too when you say it that way!   I still have no regrets I think her daily for choosing me and John and our family for her short time here.  She must have thought long and hard about which family she would choose.  I wish she could have stayed longer but I am glad for the time we had and the lessons and love we learned and felt.  Tomorrow was the beginning of my daughter.  I just wish there was a different ending of her as well.  So it begins....the countdown of the next 8 months she was with us.  I know I will survive I know there will be larger hurdles and I know there will be smaller ones.  I know I have no control over which days will be harder and which days will be easier.  I have no control and I understand that and give it up freely and will live life from one breath to the next.  Always loving my family counting my blessings and missing the ones lost.  That is all I can do.  And so this time begins.........lord my hands are up and I am giving you control.

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