Breathing again...

I posted the song I know it doesn't pertain to my very situation per say but I find myself singing it in my head all the time every so often.  It does make me think about the whole breathing method.  Sometimes I feel like yes I am living and breathing but I would love to take a breath of air without hurt or grief in it.  I laugh I live on but it feels like that weight is always there.  You can't take a whole complete breath of refreshing air and feel the calm.  Good days or bad days you never know waking up which day you will receive that day.  I still have alot to do for her.  Why can't I seem to do it?  Something in my head and heart I know.  Maybe I just can't let that pain in just yet to do those things on my list.  But then on the other hand I think it makes me feel like a bad mother or person just in general.  I am also thinking of asking John if I could do a slide show and post it on here in honor of Delanie pregnancy and birth and after sharing.  I need to think of songs to put on it.  It will take me awhile to do but I want to do it for myself as well and to share her.  She was so real so special and so sweet.  I can't turn on the TV today and I won't.  I know it is 9-11 the 10th annie.  But I can not take in that emotional pull right now.  I am doing the best I can daily and I think that the pull of the thought of all the loss and feelings of the living would just bring me to another day in bed.  I can't let that happen.  So I will keep the TV but know that I am still thinking of everyone lost that day and thinking of everyone missing them and carring around this weight of grief for 10 long years.  They are so strong.  Grandparents day is today and I should have planned something very special for them.  Course hard to get them all together.  I had been passing cards and thinking of things all month and now the day has crept up on me and nothing was planned.  I would go over to John's parent's right now but John had already put a brisket in the over to cook all day so with the fires I am so nervous to leave the house with the oven on and going.  Choices......it will have to be phone calls today.  More later...