Life is a current

Seems like when you have rough waters ahead life has a way of speeding up the current to keep you busy to get you thru hard times with more ease.  That is what it was like for John's dad death we were so busy we really didn't have time to stop and soak in the moment that he was actually gone.  Life's current kept us alive, it kept us ever moving on to the new moments and chapters in life.  This weekend we had taken Kinley to the doctor's on Friday and they had diagnosed her with a ear infection but really just fluid in the ear.  We started her on amoxicillin Friday around 4pm.  Woke up Saturday morning to a very allergic hive covered baby.  But nonetheless she was very happy and didn't suspect anything was wrong.  She woke up her normal babbly self.  So we called the doctor and talked and decided to keep her antibiotic free for at least 48 hours since she had never ran a fever and the ears never seemed to bother her either.  So the start of our day!  We fed Dustin breakfast and my mom was here Kinley of course got her's as well.  John and I both wanted a couple moments together so we went out to breakfast and granny stayed with the kids.  We both were at a loss how do you begin to celebrate or not celebrate your lost child's birth?  Really all we wanted was to be with eachother so that is what we did.  We went to the store and got things to cook all meals at home so that we wouldn't have to leave again.  We got home and just spent the day doing average stuff but all together.  I silently watched my little family play on the floor and kept imagining a little two year old sneak up on her daddy from behind on the floor and tackle him.  I know she would be the silent fiesty type, maybe with strawberry blonde curls and fiery blue eyes.  I wished she would be there to make the whole day more clearer on what exactly was supposed to happen.  It's so easy to throw your child a birthday party when they are here but there is no handbook on what you do when they are gone?  Sunday came and Kinley's rash got much better we again stayed close but no real plans we just wanted to be together.  Monday morning we were back to the doctor where we both decided no antibiotics for Kinley because really it was fluid trapped and hopefully it would start to clear up on it's own and we would watch for signs of infection.  We bought a head band to help keep the water out of her ears since she likes to splish and splash in the bath tub.  She really is a water baby.  The week slowly went on and the allergins got higher and since I was not on my allergy meds due to breastfeeding you can imagine this Thursday I am in a sinus attack and sick praying it is just allergies because I am having severe issues on being scared Kinley will get sick.  To other people they might brush it off.  To me I picture any cold giving her RSV and her slipping away from us.  To someone that has had the worst case senerio happen this is what runs thru my head which sends me into full anxiety attacks.  I know this is something I slowly have to deal with and with time I will get stronger and more faith and I will trust that Kinley will get stronger each day to fight what comes her way.  Yes logically I can talk myself down.  But everything is still over running in my head that something will take her away from us.  I constantly need to touch her to feel her and yes is may seem to others that I may be spoiling her but really I am not soothing her, she is soothing me.  She is breathing on me to let me know she can.  I feel her warmth cause it's there and I smell her because she is so sweet and I just breathe the moment in.  Really makes you think not to judge others in their parenting because you never know what that mother or family has been thru.  And yes I am very guilty in this thinking my way of raising a child is the way to go!  But each child is different and with each child the mother evolves into something else something new that is only meant for that child.  Each child making her grow and change into a new person, more educated, more peaceful, more logical and maybe just maybe learning to take things as the come and know that life is ever changing and there is really nothing we can do about it.  All we can do is enjoy this day and pray for the next.  Each night I do this.  I pray for our next day I pray in thanks for all the things that could have gone wrong but didn't.  I pray for all the unknown blessings that slipped into my day without me knowing. 

April 5th...

The counting never ceases to amaze me how it seems to continue even though you think you have gotten passed that in your life you never really truly do.  Tonight I am counting again.  Two years ago I would be sitting in bed tonight telling John I was crazy but I felt something was wrong.  But all the signs where there that she was okay and healthy.  She even had the hiccups that night but I told John I thought they felt different.  She was moving so not much to alarm there.  I kept checking her heart tones that evening with the doppler because I just felt like something was wrong.  Her heartbeat was fine and a beautiful sound to hear.  I kept reassuring myself that I had way to much time on my hands and that strict bedrest had finally caused me to lose my mind.  I went to sleep that night saying in my head if I still feel this way tomorrow morning I will just go in to be safe.  That morning I awoke to a still baby..there was no breakfast demands like usual.  She was silently sleeping, she was gone.  She silently slipped away in the night right inside of me and I didn't even know it happened.  What time was it?  What happened?  What did she think and did she know how much I loved her and how much I needed her?  All I was left with was emptiness and questions and pain.  I miss her spirited little self I love her so dearly.  How much time has changed but some feelings never seem to.  I remember myself this night last year.  I was in bed in the dark and didn't want to be near anyone in this world.  I missed her my heart ached with all it's might and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I felt even more empty and that the universe had to have hated me as I had started my period again...another sign that I was even more empty and there was no baby growing inside me and I was wondering if I would ever have the chance to love again to be a new mother again and to give my family another member to love.  I was at such a low point.  If I only had known there was light around the bend and that about 21 more days from that point I would get the surprise of my rainbow on the horizon.  A new journey beginning a gift from her sister.  Yes Kinley Raye has brought light thru the darkness and my arms are holding tight to her tonight but yes I still ache for my sweet first born daughter to be in my arms again.  Forever missing you my love. 

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