Waves

So sometimes grief is so exhausting.  Looking out the window today driving with my family I am sitting their pondering this thing called grief that has entered our lives.  I am thinking how exhausted I am and how it feels to struggle thru each day.  I was thinking if only people knew how hard it is to keep your head above water on a daily, hourly and by the minute need for air.  It like grief is the roaring ocean and you are stranded in the middle trying to survive with all the energy and will power you can possibly gather daily.  Doing your best to swim forward and try to hit some sort of land that you can finally rest and take a break at.  But never knowing how far you are from it or exactly where it is.  You swim and swim and struggle but are making it and you never know when a huge wave will take you under and you will have to struggle just a little more at that time to get back above the water and keep moving forward.  That is what grief feels like in a way this whole ocean anaology.  Constantly struggling for peace and resting and above all just a little hope.  Some days you tread the water and make way but other days its those hard waves that take you under and you have to spend the whole day just trying to get your head above water once again to get you back on the path towards land.  At least you hope you are going in the right direction towards land.  You can only follow your instinct and faith that it's in that direction and that what you are doing on the daily is what others call making progress.   You envy the time when you didn't know such pain.  Now you are a forever chronic pain sufferer.  Only no amount or no medications will ever help you.  So you just must learn to live with it and bare it and function and hope no one notices your off stare at times.  Because though your there talking sharing and even laughing at times...a peice of your heart is not with you and you will be forever thinking and missing that little piece and thinking about how you wish you could be whole again.  I have no regrets only deep love and with that deep love comes deep feelings of loss.  I know I will be okay I know I will survive but my dear baby girl I will forever be missing you and you will forever on the daily hold my gaze above the clouds wondering what you are doing and maybe what you would look and feel like with me down here. 

Life Changes

Life is ever changing and it goes ahead rather you are ready or not.  You must bend and ease into each transition as gracefully as possible and thru age and life experiances it doesn't nessiarly make you more wise it makes you more graceful in a matter able to bend and transition because you know there isn't anything you can do but go with it and hopefully bend a little more your direction.  I know it sounds like riddles printed here in black bold words but in my head it seems to make since in some way and if you were in my head you would be nodding and saying how bright we both are....=)  Today has been a up and down day for me.  Somedays you seem to live more then others in a way there is so much want and need for things in my life and in my head but then sometimes when I try to act out on them the hunger and need seems to fade back into some length of despair.  Life is so much different now my views seem to ever change never really knowing which direction they will get until I get there.  That is my life these days.  Day by day breath by breath.  Sometimes I dream of her and when I think of her it almost seems like a bad memory at times then at other times a dream come true because of her sweet face and I was so able to hold and view her.  Yes pondering tonight holding back alot to this post.....may not be the last one tonight

Happy New Years 2012

Well I know I am late in this posting for sure!  Been thinking about it though and really trying to pinpoint my exact feelings on this year of 2011 being over and done with.  Well that is the thing now that I am typing it out on the computer screen it isn't done with in a way.  There will always be a open piece to this year 2011 that we can never close or put behind us but nor would I want us to.  It's hard to say this year has been the worst year of our lives because I feel guilty for saying that about my daughter and her traumatic birth.  Because like I have always said if I had the choice to do it again given the same outcome just to have her with me for that amount of time I would.  So yes 2011 was a hard year and a year for many lessons and learning as I feel some days I am a newborn again in this world,  I can't say it was the worst ever because there can always even in our situation be worse and it brought me my beautiful daughter.  I wouldn't take those moments with her back for a million dollars even if it would mean getting rid of this grief and pain.  She was so worth it and if you all could have met her in person you would have thought the same.  She is still in my thoughts everyday and I am never seeing that changing.  I have always wondered with friends of grief how often they think of their lost children and never believing with time it would still be everyday but now I am believing in some way or another its still every minute because you in some ways carry them with you always.  So weird to really type that out and look at it and I know to the normal population it seems weird and hard to explain but you seem to always feel this weight?  Not a burden but something not quite sad not quite happy but always there.  This year I do feel a since of freshness and new HOPE.  A friend of mine gives a word to each new year and I thought about it and that is all I can think of is HOPE and HEALING.  Faith because yes I still have mine.  I think god nightly for my Delanie and choosing me to be her mother.  I always say poor Delanie I feel so honored because maybe in heaven she was trying to choose a family and knew she only had a short time so she needed to pick a family that would be able to love and care for her and show her what this world was about in a short time and she chose us.  It had to be a hard choice but I am thankful she made it.  I am now thankful I was on bedrest all those grueling months because it gave me more bonding time with just me and her and feeling each move and kick and celebrating them deeply.  I miss the days laying in bed and talking to her and watching her twist and turn from the outside.  I am so thankful I am so blessed to have had the chance to be with her so closely and bond so tightly.  So for 2012 I am hoping more healing for my family and our still broken hearts.  More lessons in life that we can survive thru.  I am still living on faith and that god will lead me on the path I was meant to lead and help me make the daily choices to follow it.  I pray for good health for my little family and happiness.  2011 is behind us and I have to say it was sad to leave it behind a little but good in another way.  I am no longer the mother that lost a child this year.  I am the mother that lost her child last year.  Almost 9 months ago now.  How much time can make such a difference in some peoples lives.  This time last year I was still working and on the 7th would be my last day of work before going on STRICT bedrest until April 6th when she came into the world.  It was a hard time but so well worth it.  So here is to 2012 and all that it brings us please lord help us heal and do better in life.