Saturday, July 28, 2012

16 weeks

I know I have been behind in posting and sharing things on here as I was before.  The thing really is it's hard to share your feelings when you aren't really sure yourself of what they are from day to day or how you feel towards a pregnancy after loss.  I am extremely happy and concerned over baby's health and doing everything possible to make it the best pregnancy and healthiest for baby.  I had my appt on Thursday with the high risk dr and my cervix was still measuring beautifully at a 4.03 which is awesome because by this time with Delanie I had already shortened to a 2.5 and was funneling with pressure.  The double cerclages placed seem to be well worth all the trouble and keeping my little one safe inside mommy and I will just have to take it day by day and be thankful for each one seperately.  Another big anxiety thing for me was hoping this baby had a 3 vessel cord which Delanie only had 2 vessels which 2 vessel cords the baby can be perfectly healthy and things fine but it also puts them higher risk to have defects in kidneys and heart and they must be evaluated once born and via sono while in pregnant as well.  BUT thank the good lord that is a worry I will not share with this pregnancy as this baby has a healthy fat 3 vessel cord.  Which is one worry for me to cross off.  I was talking with my obgyn and we were talking about milestones earlier in the week about getting to this point then viability and so on.  But see with loss late in the third trimester my milestones just don't stop.  I will never have a oh my goodness I am safe point because I know the true reality that it can easily be pulled from under you because my dear friends life is so precious.  Even when they are older I just feel like I am never going to have the point when I will ever relax I will never stop worrying or fearing for my sweet blessings.  Even now I still pray to god to rock Delanie to sleep or ask her grandparents up there to sing and rock to her to make sure she is not to lonely and missing us with a emptiness like we do for her.  I still worry for her.  But why shouldn't I,  I am still her mother and she is still in my heart, my thoughts, my deep down soul.  On Thursday we could not verify that baby was indeed a boy!  We could not see a penis and we could not see a vagina either!  So right away we drove to the 3D/4D sono place to get a better and forsure deal.  Well baby was fast asleep by that time that we got to the second appt and was totally balled up and indian style with feet infront of the private area.  So we got a rain check and will get another sono this Tuesday to verify gender and share many sweet pictures with all of you.  I loved seeing the baby in 3D/4D and the one thing I could tell right off the back was baby looks just like Delanie.....totally shocked me while I was staring at the screen it felt like I was looking into her eyes again the cheeks and such were just like her's and her daddy's.  It was a good and peaceful feeling and for a moment I could just sit back and try to pretend that it was her for a minute and feel less emptiness and hurt for just a moment.  I am feeling closer to the baby and each day time helps the bonding and seeing baby move and have a little personality helps.  Knowing the sex FORSURE will help to because I can start calling them by his or her name and we can keep moving forward with our switch to a blue boy nursery.  For now things are on hold until I can be 100% sure and 3D will do that.  Just take one day at a time. 

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