Days go on...

So as the days pass my anxiety has picked up on and off for the past few weeks.  I think partly because you expect or think this pain will somehow cease someday.  You think maybe the year mark things will get easier the pain will soften.  But then you come to realize the truth that you will forever live with this barren pain this feeling of aching emptiness for it seems like forever.  You get days where you are discouraged and exhausted then you get days where you seem like you are renewed and drive hard to move forward and advance some how in life.  You never know what type of day it is going to be sometimes it can be half way thru it.  Sometimes it seems like you are living with a split personality from one moment to the next.  I thought the counting might calm down after the year mark and in ways it has but in other ways it still continues but just not as strong.  I remember thinking this time last year I wish I could just fast foward a year from now and not feel this much pain and intensity.  But truthfully the pain is the same as I had said before you just get stronger like and chronic pain sufferer and develope a tolerance.  I find myself wondering where I was last year this time.  I know I was waiting on her urn and battling the doctors for the release of her death certificate so that she could be cremated and bought home.  I know we were trying to decide about a funeral or memorial service but couldn't bare the thought of going thru with it and just frankly were not strong enough.  I don't look back on my blog ever from previous posts and I don't reread my posts ever after they are written that is why sometimes I am surprised that people read them because I wonder half the time if they make any sense or if it is just some crazy woman rambling about her feelings of loss.  I wish this blog wasn't so sad and maybe as time passes it won't be anymore.  Lord knows what I will be counting down a year from now or how strong I will grow by then.  Time is such a tricky thing but then again so is life.

Updated Garden Pictures

Wanted to share some updated garden pictures on the blog we have been hard at work making changes and still have so far to go but each time we are outside we feel closer to her we feel like we are caring for her.

Delanie's gifts

I wanted to put these on a seperate post since I put so many of the garden on the previous post and write on each gift.  There will be more pictures tomorrow of the bench that Dave and Jayne Anne from John's work gave us.

Each week I place flowers by her urn Dustin usually likes to pick them out.  This flower arrangement was given to us from Ms. Linda from Wendy's work and a plant from Auntie Kimmy

So pretty

All the stuff my sister Jerry and the girls got us a brighton bracelet with special charms and a plaque I thought I had a better picture of but will take another tomorrow

This was recieved in the mail from my friends Amy and Becky a beautiful Azela (spelling) I love it and there are butterflies on the pot LOVE it!

Sweet note from some very special girls

Angel witha butterfly from Aunt Kimmy So perfect

Message from Aunt Wendy and the girls and Jerry

Saturday....

So today we are feeling better, spent almost the whole day in the yard working were when we feel like this makes us feel better.  It's very healing and for all my child loss friends I highly suggest it.  I wanted to share some pictures of the yard even though after today it has changed again and I will update more current pictures tomorrow on my Easter post.  I also want to share some of the lovely gifts people gave us for Delanie's first birthday.  We were so happy she was not forgotten to many people and they helped.  We went to John's parent's house for a family get together this evening and it was wonderful to see alot of family that we had not seen in a while.  John's parent's bought us a beautiful butterfly bush for the gardens.  Dustin got his Easter basket from his grandparents and he was happy to see everyone.  I should have brought my camera to take pictures there but in the swing of the day and my aching brain I seemed to have forgotten to bring it.  I swear sometimes grief is like living life on "brain support"  you never seem to be fully functioning again.  Your mind constantly drifts to different areas and depths inside and sometimes you have no control when they wonder and how deep your thought will reach.  You learn to live and mold around these hmmm so called "episodes" and curve life and conversations around them.  I guess it would be like living with a learning disability in a way but you are still a functioning living individual.  So today alot of my thoughts were of course where we were last year and what we were doing.   Which has been happening all weekend long.  Examples were last night I was thinking oh my I would still be holding her right now touching her skin, watching her daddy sway with her across the room rocking her as if he needed to get her to drift back to sleep.  You never know how much you love the man in your life until you see him rocking gently your daughter and kissing her lightly on her forehead with such love and devotion.  I thought tonight around dinner time how we would then be making arrangements with the funeral home to come pick our sweet dream of a daughter up so that I could leave the hospital in the morning without looking back and thinking I was leaving her behind.  I just couldn't deal with the thought of that I had to make sure she left before I did.  I remember thinking how hard I thought it was leaving the hospital empty handed with Dustin but it didn't near compare to leaving empty handed with Delanie.  Being wheeled out with nothing but a swollen belly full of staples and a small box with what was left of my daughters memories and cloths.   No nothing compares to that.  I know that this week I will be thinking back to the distant memories of last year and I know many of them will hurt but to tell you the truth alot of my heart seems so numb that it doesn't hurt as much as people would assume or as much as I would assume.  I think my feelings are so exhausting and tears are so spent that its dulling out the intensity of the pain.  Or maybe as I always say I am just stronger at being a chronic pain sufferer.  So I wonder how long and just how much this week I will think back and replay.  Never know until you get there.  With all these "dates" you never know how you will feel until you get to that certain date and time.  There is no planning with grief.  I have been thinking of putting a slide show together and posting it on here about Delanie and her journey and I think I am ready to do it with John's help so that might be posting on here soon.  We shall see.  I will also post those updated pictures of the yard tomorrow.  Everything seems to be growing and branching out.  Delanie's small garden now keeps growing and surrounding the house but like I said its our therapy and when we are improving and making these beautiful gardens we feel better and closer to her maybe just closer to sanity or at least brief episodes of it =)  Enjoy the pictures it has already changed so much.

 These are from last week

  These are from Friday

drastic change took out the white rock and put in crushed granite and releveled

Her tree

Yard fixture =  )

Happy Birthday my sweet Delanie Faye

How I have dreaded this day for so many reasons and the emotions have come in waves throughout the day.  Some good some bad some calm some racing none ever really the same.  I really did not know what to expect today after all there is no handbook to losing a child then a second edition on life afterwards.  Through out the day each emotion changed and all I wanted to do was be close to John and outside.  Being outdoors calms both John and I.  When we are working in the yard bringing beauty and growing things to life that is when we feel closest to her.  It doesn't even have to be in her garden's just outside working in the dirt with love, sweat and tears.  Dear friends have felt our need for that and have been so sweet to give Delanie and us many outside gifts.  My heart is happy that on her birthday we did unwrap gifts of love they were meant for her and for our comfort and they were much needed and greatly appreciated.  We spent most of the day at nurseries around New Braunfels and even all the way up in Kyle we drove and drove it helped.  We held hands and hugged alot shared silent smiles and thoughts.  Sometimes the feelings seem so fresh like her death was just yesterday the feeling of being in the room of holding her close and all the rush of emotions of that evening and day seem to be sneaking into my mind.  I remember that night with the pain SO intense if I could just fast forward a year from now and maybe the pain won't be so bad.  And yes the pain is still as bad but I am stronger and grow stronger each day in tolerance of this chronic pain suffered by all parents of loss.  This weekend I will be making posts on here with pictures and different things all for Delanie so stay tuned her birthday is all weekend long I will be posting updated garden pictures as well.  Thank you all for your love and support and greatly needed prayers.  I wish I could write more tonight and post some of the pictures I have planned but I am exhausted both emotionally and physically and am in need to try to sleep and hope and pray the nightmares stay away tonight and pray that its only sweet dreams.  Wanted to share a poem my sweet friend shared with me today.  Happy Birthday my love mommy and daddy and brother love you so very much Delanie Faye.

"It's my first birthday in heaven,
what a joy to partake.
My presents are flowers and rainbows
and angel food cake.

My crib is decorated with roses
and glitter.
And the stars that shine upon me
make everything shimmer.

The other angels are dancing and
singing me songs.
Soon Jesus will be joining me,
It won't be long.

We'll all gather and pray
for my loved ones on earth,
Who love me so much,
from the day of my birth.

You see, Birthdays in Heaven
are full of happiness and cheer.
We celebrate with our loved ones,
who proceeded us here.

Yes, Birthdays in Heaven
are wonderful and gay.
One day we will celebrate together,
for that moment, Mommy and Daddy, I pray"

Why tonight hurts so much...

Tonight would be the last time I felt her last time I heard her heartbeat she had the hiccups a little after 930pm.  Tonight sometime while I was sleeping my baby died.  She left us.  I felt funny the hiccups felt distant but I attributed that to her engaging and moving down since that is what babies do when they are getting ready to be born.  They drop into position.  She wasn't moving as much but she was still moving more then enough and healthy movements just felt down low.  I have never been pregnant so long before so again I thought this was normal for a 3rd trimester baby.  How I wish I could rewind to that night knowing what I know now and rush into a hospital and throw myself on a c-section table and save her.  But yes I know that is not the way it turned out and I know there is no turning back time.  After all I know all to well how this story ends.  I think about that night and how happy we were laying in bed together talking about the baby and how big she was and how in a few more weeks she would be laying next to us too.  I kept telling John I think I am going to the doctor's tomorrow I am feeling different and how I didn't want to take any chances and what would it hurt just to get checked out.  I wish that gut feeling would have been harder like a punch in the face harder.  I miss her deeply I miss the happiness she brought I miss the wholeness she gave us I miss the feelings of not feeling so much pain and emptiness and sorrow.  I miss the nieveness of life prior to experincing harsh grief.  It's like a head on collision in a car accident just hits you so suddenly you never knew it was coming and even if you did there is nothing you can or could do to stop it or reverse it once it hits.  The damage is already done. 

Starting my vacation....

We have labeled it "crazy week vacation" I don't know how I will feel from day to day but to just plan for it I took the week off to sort thru my feelings and have time to myself to feel things all the way thru.  Last week before I got this horrid sinus infection from the lovely oak I started feeling how I felt when I was at home after her birth like I needed to be outside or doing something like I felt fragile in a way.  Like I was weak and so broken then I somewhat felt like that again this past week.  The emotions have come in like waves but each one different lately.  I think about subjects to blog daily and write the blog out in my head but never seem to take the time or energy to write it out here.  I know I need to I know I will want to reread this all someday this long journey that is now about to hit the 1 year mark of my love's birth.  I think of the right nows right now I would be head over heels inlove and excited because tomorrow would bring some of the happiest memories I would ever share with my daughter.  Yes April 2nd last year was my baby shower I would be smiling and laughing with friends and rubbing my belly with a chubby little baby rubbing and kicking back.  Lifting my shirt and showing my family how she moves and watching everyone's eye's light up as they saw little feet skimming across my growing belly.  She was so healthy so happy inside me her heart was strong that day and life was perfect.  One boy, one girl, one happy inlove husband and joyous family and friends all around and nothing, nothing but happiness in the air.  The memories are precious and I am glad that I had my shower so that I can look back on that time with her and those moments forever trapped in my heart and brain.  I know how good life can feel I know how perfect it can seem.  Course I know the other end when a person's beauty bubble is popped but I am just choosing for tonight to think about before that bubble burst what it felt like before, before my heart was broken before sadness and despair took over smiles and laughter.  Before I entered this life long marathon of grief and exhaustion.  I will focus on her sweetness tonight and I will smile and dream of her sweet face.