Thursday, September 13, 2012


So this stuff is getting harder and still I can not imagine how I did so long on strict bedrest last time when this time is only modified and I seem to be going insane.  I think also last time I was in so much pain daily that I did not WANT to get up because it literally felt like she was going to fall out.  This pregnancy I still feel pretty good pelvic pain wise.  I do have some lower back pain every now and then but usually if I sit down or lay down it calms down.  Tomorrow marks Friday so after that is over the weekend with my family around is something to really look forward too since I get pretty lonely walking around the house and let's face it daytime TV sucks these days!  I can only watch so many movies too!  I think tomorrow I will run to hobby lobby or make John take me on Saturday since everyone thinks if I go somewhere by myself the baby will fall out, and get a craft or something to work on for the baby's room.  That way I feel progress somehow and stay busy.  I think I will search for a new book tomorrow as well maybe a series that I can work my way thru since I have about 14 more weeks to go for baby Kinley's arrival.  I know this time will pass and I will miss it and let me let you know I am in no where near complaining I am treasuring each day and moment and loving her moving inside me and growing strong.  Do I still think about loss each day YES.  Is it sad that I know no matter what I will at least get to hold her?  The weird mind of a loss mother the small things we are thankful for even with our fallen angels at least I got to hold her and kiss her and smell her and see her face and rub my fingers thru her hair and hold her close to my chest.  Is it sad that at least I know for all my hard work I still get a baby even if she may be a angel when I hold her and that I am blessed for even that?  Course I know I just don't have control and if this strikes our family again that it will just happen and we will run our forever course of grief just fresher again.  Do I believe it is going to I don't.  I really think alot of Delanie's issue was the 2 vessel cord and she had a clot in the cord.  Kinley does have a proper 3 vessel cord that is actually quite large.  I have just got to keep counting my blessings and taking it day by day and goal by goal and no matter the ending its the journey that was worth it.  I am giving this baby a chance to live no matter how long she is happy right now at this moment and warm and comforted and loved and yes very well fed.  She knows she is wanted and needed which many children will never know that feeling sadly in life and she has had it before she has even taken her first breath.  I will enjoy this day and pray for tomorrow.  I will remember to love each kick and bless each little hiccup because I know how precious they are and when they are gone you would give anything in your power to just get one back.  I know that feeling of emptiness and despair and she fills me with love and warmth.  Just hang on to that moment that is how I will get thru to the next and so on.  Next big goal is 25 weeks in my mind.  Just to get her there will be wonderful and I really think we will make it there and beyond.  We can do it.

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