Lost Little Angels

This is a flyer I have made for our hospital that I am posting so I copied **and pasted it on here and added pictures for examples**

Lost Little Angels

Please take time to donate something for all the little lost angels that grow their wings to soon.  Many times what is given at the hospital is all that the family has left after the loss of their baby and all their hard work, love and dreams.  It is hard leaving the hospital with a box in your arms instead of the baby that you have hoped and yearned for so let’s try to help and make it as best as possible for them.

Things you can do to help and donate

Boxes – These are the main thing that we need.   There are white photo boxes sold different places I have found some at Target for 3.99 that are plain white boxes that you can decorate for a memorial box for these mothers to put items in and take home as a gift. They are about the size of a shoe box.   You can paint them to decorate or use wallpaper, ribbon, or other crafty ideas. You can choose a unisex type box or make a boy or girl box by color.  There  are also baby keep sake boxes sold everywhere that will work too.  I have found some at Ross Dress For Less.

  If you feel like filling the box also here is a list of things you can fill it with

• ·         disposable camera
• ·         small crosses or religious items such as poems or cards or little mementos
• ·         picture frame
• ·         jewelry for mother
• ·         Butterfly’s are the national symbol for loss so any little items with them
• ·         small stuffed dolls or animals that we can take pictures with the baby holding
• ·         Any items for picture taking

You can also donate:

• Plaster kits for feet and hands
• Long stem white roses (fake) for the outside of the hospital doors
• Headband with bows or flowers for the little girls and infant hats for both sexes
• Cute socks
• Memory books
• Outfits and blankets

Please take the items or send to Downtown Baptist if you would like to honor Delanie Faye daughter of Holly Denton a nurse at downtown Baptist that grew her wings April 6^th 2011 as well as all the angels lost to soon.  If you can’t do Downtown Baptist please take to your nearest hospital to help make this experience for any parents just a little better.

111. E Dallas Street, San Antonio, TX 78205

Care of Maria Sanchez women’s services 3B/3C (3^rd floor)

Or care of me Holly Denton

Box made for me for Delanie

All the momentos

Her hands

Forever able to touch her hands

Other boxes I bought that are marked keep sake boxes that work well

These were bought at ross dress for less

Today was eventful then uneventful

So I noticed some lines on Dustin's left leg the other day they look more like stretch marks to me.  They are on his upper left thigh only.  Which in the past we have had vascular issues with the veins in that leg.  Granted Dustin has had a 6 pound weight gain recently so it could be stretch marks as well but they happened so suddenly and it's not like he is chubby or over weight.  So I made a appointment to take him to the doctor's office this morning at 9:00 am she did the exam and started to check his pulses in his legs and noticed the left side was weak and harder to palate but color is good and size is the same as the other one.  So she said she would like us to have a venous doppler sono done to rule out the more nastier things.  We wanted it done quickly to have results by today so we went to the Christa's Santa Rosa hospital close but then when we arrived they informed us that we would have to come back at 1pm so we were okay and we went home for a hour or two then came back.  Well then they informed us they are "out of network" so only 50% would be covered so we would have to pay $250.00 up front.  I called insurance and if I would go to a baptist facility it would be covered 100%.  I called and scheduled it for the morning because Dustin also has a toothache and needed to see the dentist later that afternoon.  So tomorrow we will know more on that.  I have to say the service was horrible at Christa's so we will not be returning.  We went to the dentist after and Dustin's two front teeth are about to pop!  She said to let them wiggle and give tylenol for pain and they took xrays to make sure they were safe to let them come out on their own and they were.  We did recieve great service there and Children's Dental Ark and Dustin was so happy to be there and they were so informative and understanding.  We will definately stay with them for life =)  So on to tomorrow to get more answers I am so exhausted and the days are so filled as today is also my niece's birthday and tomorrow is the other love of my life my best friend Kimmy's birthday so long eventful days!  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO BACK TO WORK!  AHHHHHH

Just so weird for them to be all so suddenly and pop up so fast this is his inner left thigh

 

A sign from my baby girl

Tonight I was sitting on the porch by myself thinking of my baby and how I wished I was busy caring for her and all the things that go with it.  I just am feeling cheated and a little down and I look up and find this in my view =)

 

My new candle

Thinking of you my baby girl I had to have this when I saw it because it is so true I would still choose you...nothing would change you are forever my choice.  I love you with all my heart and soul

regret is a ugly face

Regret is something in grief where you know it will drag you down so you try to shut your eyes tightly and stay as far from it as possible.  You try not to bring those thoughts up because there is only one outlet for them and its a bad one.  The could have should haves are simple words but they are ones that are so hurtful and piercing because after those words come the words fault and blame follow which are even more dangerous.  Regret is something I remember from Dustin's birth and blame followed it.  I felt so bad for him laying there fighting for life and I wondered and should have could haved myself to depression but one thing that kept me up was my baby was still there and fighting for life.  With Delanie's pregnancy I knew the sting of regret and I told myself that would never be me again.  I would never take a chance.  I followed orders to the dime and never cheated even though I severely wanted to.  I stayed in bed for 13 weeks straight in a laying down position with 10 minute showers and only trips to the bathroom.  The last two weeks rounding weeks 14 and 15 on bedrest I was allowed to get up and walk to the kitchen 3 times per day and sit up and it was heaven.  I didn't want to look back with any regrets if she came early.  Little did I know that wouldn't be the factor to take her from me.  So I followed orders to the tee and figured SURELY after all this hardwork I would be rewarded with the baby of our families dreams.  And not to say I wasn't rewarded because yes I did enjoy my time falling deeply inlove with my daughter and experiancing so much in pregnancy and feeling her move and looking at her face when she was born.  But like other moms I would for once like to be wheelchaired out of the hospital with a baby in my arms and happiness.  I thought about that wheel chairing one of my patients out I just wondered if she knew how many people were wishing and were cherishing the moment she was having and that she was taking for granted.  I started on the regret yesterday again just small thoughts I won't let my mind loom all the way into them because I know it is dangerous ground.  I thought of the night before she died and how I felt something was off and I kept telling John she felt weird and far away.  She had hiccups but I felt them in a different place down low in my pelvic area instead of up high in my belly.  Her hiccups reassured me that she was alright though.  I looked up half a dozen things on baby center and google that night and all of them told me about baby engaging so you would feel them lower and that movement would be slowing because they were bigger and running out of room.  I googled until I felt better.  During all this my daughter needed me and she was running out of time.  Time I could never get back.  I know there is nothing I can do now.  I am a smart person but looking back I could only wish.  I had a dream last night I was pregnant again only when the movement and stopped and she died at 32 weeks in the dream I was 34 weeks and I beleive it was with her and the time before was just a scare.  In the dream I was wearing a white maternity shirt.  My mom was with me and we were at a fair parking lot of some sort.  I noticed the baby wasn't moving much and then I felt the baby move but noticed it was weak.  I started to panic and made John take me to the doctor.  Well in the dream the doctor's office appeared in the parking lot like it happens weirdly in dreams so we walked in and I checked in.  A man was being loud in the waiting room about how big his wife was and laughing about it because they were having twins a and b he kept saying and that his wife was as big as Schlitterbaun.  He looked over to me as I was about to go to the bathroom and loudly said laughing look at her she isn't even showing.  I looked down at my white shirt and my belly was missing my belly was flat.  Then I said oh no they took her again in a bland tone as if again and again they were taking her and giving her back.  I felt my heartrate racing and then I woke up to a beautiful much needed face of my son Dustin asking me for poptarts.  I am glad I woke up and I am glad he woke me up as that dreams was weird and a hard place to be.  Just thought I would share the weirdness of my mind.  Wishing today was different and I was carting arounnd two kids to the park or to take brother and sister pictures or to shop for Delanie because like her brother she too was out growing everything.  Wishing...

Today

I want to fall into a sadness today but I won't today I choose to smile I choose to be happy for just a little while.  I know my child is gone and I know I wish she was here but today just at least today I am going to choose to smile.  I know things are looming over me but today I will put them aside.  I will drive to the store in a little while and get her fresh flowers for the week.  I will watch Dustin laugh and giggle and beg me for a toy at the store and I will enjoy it instead of wondering if I am spoiling him and all the parent thoughts that cross your mind on if you should say yes or no.  I will just enjoy it.  I will enjoy him being slow and me telling him to hurry up.  I will enjoy him begging me for mc donalds on the way home.  I will enjoy telling him to wash his hands and not use his shorts as a napkin.  I will enjoy being a parent and be blessed that I have the chance.  So today I will smile today I will enjoy what I have and miss what I have lost but be happy that it was mine to loose and that I had the chance.  Praying for a better today and a stronger tomorrow 

Smiling today

Change

So still on this path of discovering what this new world of mine is about.  I feel as though I am in a different country at times exploring new depths of the earth.  But I am still at home still in the same place and time but a different person now.   I have discovered change feels good in some ways.  I was going to trade in the car that excited me but now I think we might keep it a few more years as we just can't decide on what to get right now.  Change...I chopped all my hair off...yep you read right.  LOL I chopped it off to my shoulders I was in one of my angry type of moods and just wanted it gone and off.  Luckily I had a wonderful hair stylist I met that was SO good to me and made me forget all about my mood when I was there.  Kimmy helped and watched Dustin for me so I could get my hair done and that was nice no rush or anything.  I had wanted to get my hair done before but never wanted to make Dustin wait for me.  Constantly striving for change.  I don't know why but each thing helps and makes me feel better.  We layed sod on the yard today only got about half of it done but it felt good.  Yard is looking better and it really makes me feel better and happier.  We had a great family day playing in the yard and just being with eachother.  John's parents came for lunch and we went to the nursery and they bought us a beautiful Zinna plant for the garden =)  I am inlove with it.