I know...

I know I have been gone I know I haven't wrote.  It's not from lack of feelings but rather lack of describing them at times.  Tonight is harder as some are.  They come and go these harder times then other.  I count my blessings and remind myself that I am still very blessed.  Sometimes its the simple things that you think about that make you wonder into the darker parts of your feelings and emotions.  I wonder what I would be doing right now if she was here.  I wonder how I would be feeling and if we would have adjusted to life as parents of two children.  How we would be doing with another small child in the house after it has been so long.  I wonder if she would be strong enough to try to sit up now or maybe budding a tooth.  I think of these things all day long.  Small things that people take for granted.  I wonder if I would be in a horrid bad mood right now from lack of sleep because she would be nursing all night from a growth spurt or maybe her first cold.  I wonder how she would look with her eyes full of amazement when she noticed her chubby feet and hands for the first time.  I wonder...I wonder all day and night with pauses in between.  Yes life is easier but the grief is always there and I know in my heart it will always be a weight to bare I know I am strong enough and will be strong enough just every now and then you want to sat that weight down and just remember what it was like not to carry it and remember the blissful moments from before.  Before you saw the ugliness of a reality you wish on no one.  Small things simple things will bring you there.  Today we were at dinner we met John because he had a side job to do after work today.  But he always needs and wants to see Dustin so we met for dinner quickly at a resturant.  I watched them in wonderment how beautiful they both are and how much they both deeply mean to me.  When we were leaving John kissed me and Dustin as he always does and told us how much he loves us as always.  Routinely this is how we say goodbye and then we both get in but John comes back a second time to kiss us again always.  Well this time he ran to his car and Dustin was so upset.  Then just thinking about it I thought what a beautiful thing we have.  We always kiss and love Dustin and he doesn't go a day without us telling him we love him about 10 times.  We still tuck him in together in bed each night and we still have to hug and kiss him and put his blankets just right.  We just love him so much and our worlds revolve around him.  We tell him how special he is daily and how much we prayed for him and how he is a gift.  I wonder if that is why he is such a wonderful heartfelt little boy.  I think of how lucky we are to have someone to tuck in each night and say I love you too.  I know many who don't even have that chance.  But I so wish we could have given and done this all for Delanie too.  She would have had such a blessed life and would have never gone a day without a hug, kiss or I love you from both of her loving parents.  We deeply LOVE Dustin and I love looking at my husband and watching him watch Dustin with love and a proudful look just when Dustin is doing something so simple.  I know I am blessed that there are not many fathers out there that are so perfect and so loving and I have one.  I know it's rare.  I know that there are many people that will never come close to a love like ours and comfort with eachother as we feel.  And for that I know I am blessed.  I know it's one in a million to have this all.  So am I greedy for wanting a little more or really just sharing more.  We have so much love to offer we really are good people and good parents. 

Please god just don't let this be it for us.   Please watch over us and help us choose the steps to the right paths we are meant to lead.  Please light our way to where we need to be.  Please forgive me for asking so much of you.  Please know that I am thankful for my blessings and apologize for wanting more but know I need more and have more to offer.  Please lord know my intentions are for the best and better in life.  Keep my angel safe by your side and let her know that she is so loved and will forever be wanted and needed and to wait for mommy and daddy because we are saving her kisses, hugs and I love you's for her and when we get there we will be delivering them all hand in hand. 

Maybe more...

Coming a little later today I have so many posts I would like to get off my mind but my energy seems so low this morning emotionally and physically.  I have been thinking alot over the past few days.  I seem to think more in the car when I am on my way to and from work and I have been working the past few days.  Just some updates for now.  Dustin is doing well he had another blood drawl this week he was dxed with iron deficiancy anemia.  He is on a nasty serum he doesn't like and a iron rich diet which he loves salads and things like that so not a big deal.  My kiddo would choose salad over candy all day he is different I know!  He is doing well in school so far I am so glad we did tutoring with him this summer it really has shown a huge difference in his knowledge but also his attitude and upbeatness towards school.  His tutor has helped him really feel sure of himself and helped him know how special he is and really smart he is.  So he is just more excited and really tries and doesn't get discouraged this year.  He has a super cute teacher too so I think he has a little crush on her LOL My mother just went home she came for a visit which was nice while I had a few days off this past weekend.  I am hoping to make it for mine and Dustin's lunch date at his school today a new whataburger opened up the street and he has been begging me to try it LOL like it would be any different then all the rest of them.  I told him we would have a date at school and I would bring him lunch there.  The only way I might not be able to make it is if the time warner guy comes to late to fix our internet and phone which has been acting crazy.  Well love to all will write more later today and take some pictures =)

First Day of Second Grade =)

Today was Dustin's first day of school for second grade!  He did a really good job this morning although last night he had a harder time falling asleep I am sure due to being so excited to see all his friends.  One of his old friends from last year is in his class too that he really likes so he was happy.  I am just hoping he does well this year now that we have a summer of tutoring under our belt and maturity aswell.  This morning I got up early and made pecan pancakes and got his morning meds ready and cloths and filled out all my paper work and wrote checks and got school meds ready!  Mommy and daddy ate breakfast with Dustin like we do every year and we both walked him into class like every year =)  Dustin did so well and read the instructions on the board and started about his tasks.  I was so proud,  I hope he does well today and all year for that matter.  Now just to count the moments until he comes home and try not to cry all day!  LOL



Big boy infront of the school




Cheesy boy




Turning in his meds to the nurse




Flag pole shot!




Showing his morning snack to the nurse I have no idea why LOL



My handsome 2nd grader

At his desk

Put your back pack up son =)

Untouchable

So I have this feeling I can't quite describe when I was thinking of this blog and I have thought about this for awhile.  There are so many angles and branches that it is hard to describe it all in one word or phrase or even detail because you say it one way and it makes since but it branches into another detail as well.  I miss the blissfulness in life.  The thought that you are untouchable.  The knowing bad things happen in this world and how sorry you feel for those that it happens upon but knowing that it will never happen to you or anyone close.  So I thought.  I miss thinking that no matter what god would not let that happen or my grandmother lord rest her soul would always protect me...us.   Not that I am saying I am in anyway forsaking my lord or any lines of that.  Remember these are thoughts and feelings in my head.  My bubble of bliss has popped and my eyes are open to the harsh reality of life grown up.  I always thought I was "untouchable" in a way.  So protected and special somewhat.  Life was hard but it passed and we advanced slowly but surely.  I never thought my storyline was so bad.  Even with Dustin I was so surprised at how blessed we were and how special I was that god and my loved ones passed had protected and carried us through.  Dustin was my saving grace in really believing in god and seeing the goodness of life.  Then on the other hand I have been dealt the loss and sadness and the feeling of being unprotected and unrewarded for my efforts and hardwork and devotion.  My daughter is gone.  My bubble is popped to the harsh reality that we are the people we read about.  The stories we stumble upon on the internet and say a prayer and shake our heads and say wow I couldn't imagine.  We are that story.  We were before Delanie with Dustin and so many other stories but I was blissfully unaware because with Dustin I never saw the raw heartache I was always in my blissful bubble that no matter what he would make it.  He shined with everything wonderful and good.  Then this other hand now.  My sweet daughter.  Now I find myself wondering about tomorrow and what it will bring.  Could it bring another blissful bubble to be popped?  Small to big things I ponder about.  Will I get in a car accident tomorrow will someone I love?  Will something happen?  I know I have no control over these things but the reality is that these or anything could happen.  I am not untouchable.  I have alot of questions on the " rules and regulations"  of god.  No I am not forsaking him I love him and all that he is and I am faithful and thankful.  But I am wondering if we are really on our own and no help is given it is just luck and if soemthing happens he comes to embrace us and take us home.  So I find myself lost in prayers and wondering what exactly to pray for?  Do I pray for another baby and a healthy pregnancy?  Does he have control over that?  With Delanie I prayed every night and all day pretty much on and off.  I had detailed prayers and never forgot.  Did that do any good?  Does he really have control or a hand in the matter or is it just the luck of the drawl in some ways.  I still pray I will continue to.  These are just thoughts mind you that race in my head and leave me baffled with of course no answers and never will.  I just feel awoken to reality like I never was before.  I just always was blissful and had that "won't happen to me attitude"  not arrogant about it though just never thought it.  I thought with Delanie surely I had been thru enough trying to get pregnant with my kids and everything happenign with Dustin I would be blessed with a easy pregnancy I was wrong.  Then going thru her pregnancy with a smile on my face and all the pain and hard work I put in surely I figured it would be enough to get my reward.  Not saying that she wasn't a reward enough but you know what I mean.  But that bubble popped.  You work hard for a chance and I would do it again.  Just for a chance.  I am not untouchable I am real,  I am not a special someone who is a saint and will get all I pray for in life.  I am someone who has a chance.  Be happy I have that I know.  I know all the logic responses and angles.  Just thoughts in my head remember I am letting you in.  I know its a messy jumbled sometimes harmful place but I am trying to heal it and make it better the best I can. 

My poor sweet son

I feel like such a bad mother.  We switched Dustin's lung medications back in May to help better control his lung issues so that he can play better and not be afraid to join in activities like he is now.  I made a post a while back about how I was getting concerned about the circulation in his legs because he had weird red markings on his left upper thigh area that looked like stretch marks and posted a picture.  We went and got them dopplered at the pedi's office to make sure blood flow was good because his pulse's in the left leg were weak as well.  The doppler turned out well and the blood flow was good so we scratched that out and chalked it up to a larger weight gain and that they were stretch marks.  Well they kept getting worse and he was having leg pain with them as well then he also had a splinter hemmorage in his left big toe.  I started getting really concerned and googled all night until I stumbled upon a reason....I had been looking up his new medication Dulera and found nothing that seemed to be the answer but looking deeper I saw that Dulera was mixed with two medications.  One of them being a steriod Asmanex.  I looked up the side effects for it and found the skin thinning and stretch marks and among other serious side effects as well.  I freaked out because Dustin could have many of these.  I called the Pulmonologist this time and now we are working on ruling things out.   We went today for them to look at him and the stretch marks are much worse and he has several spider viens in his legs as well that concerned me.  I mean he is a 8 year old boy for goodness sakes.   He weighs a hefty 62 pounds but is in no means over weight.  They were concerned about the steriod use going outside his body and effecting other organs and such.  They said they have had one case like Dustin before.  They switched his medications up to a steriod that only activates in the lungs and a couple other ones.  We are doing blood work in the morning that has to be done only in the AM so it was to late today.  We will start ruling out things from there and seeing what damage has been done to other organs and what cortizol levels we are looking at.  Really worried about what is a head but hopefully everything is fine levels will go down and no damage besides the skin will be permanent.  Please keep him in your prayers that this all goes smooth and that changing the medication will be all that will fix it.  I love him so much.  I should have caught this earlier but I know we will be able to fix it now. 

4 months...

And I still miss you so much my angel....mommy loves you

Why won't you go away...

Hard couple days but what days aren't hard in some way or another some worst then others some times just worse then others and some better.  I have been so busy this week this is the first time I have really had some time to myself just a few minutes before I totally crash.  Been working all my hours at work lately and then some.  After work today, tired and hungry we went out to eat together came home and I was exhausted and sore and my body aching from hard work staring in the large mirror in my bathroom I was looking at my body and the small marks of redness around my incision.  Yes still healing....why won't you just go away.  Why are you still there reminding me.  Heal already.  There is the anger.  But then I remember that this scar of mine introduced me to my wonderful daughter.  I did get to see her and love her hold her in my arms.  So not all bad.  But those parts of you don't always make since and sometimes you just can't process the positive parts at that moment in time.  Negatives in life always seem to creep up easier in everything and this is no different.  You get almost angry at times wanting your body to just go back like it never happened.  Although don't get me wrong I have no regrets.  I never have and never will about my daughter.  I would still choose her and I would still do it over with the same result.  Sometimes that anger and rage comes out though you just don't want to look at the ugly reminder of the negative of the matter.  The badness of losing someone so precious and perfect.  Sometimes you just don't understand but I guess no one ever really ever will fully.  I know I feel like I never will.  There isn't a day or a moment that she doesn't always cross my mind.  Each day it seems a chapter somewhat closes on her.  She gets further away from me in some ways.  She is a memory to many people.  I am the person right now that just lost a baby but that title is fading.  Life is ongoing.  People stop saying they are sorry and stop looking at you funny and stop watching what they say infront of you.  Life goes on.  I thought about next year and how next year I won't be thought of at all as the mother who lost her child.  I know this all doesn't make since to anyone.  But it all adds up to life just going by and how I feel somewhat like I am standing still in time and sad at the same time that I am leaving the era of her grief in others eyes.  If I look sad and am looking down thinking of her that won't come across their minds as the reason why.  But it's her...it will always be her.  I will never stop thinking about her it just won't stop nor do I want it to.  I will keep her fresh and I will always picture her face and feel her skin next to me forever.  My heart is still broken and that peice will be forever gone.  Yes it will still function and yes I will live and yes I will still love and still breath again but that peice will always be missing and she will always be the one holding it. In her tiny arms tiny hands she holds that peice waiting for me one day.  Until then...

Lost Little Angels

This is a flyer I have made for our hospital that I am posting so I copied **and pasted it on here and added pictures for examples**

Lost Little Angels

Please take time to donate something for all the little lost angels that grow their wings to soon.  Many times what is given at the hospital is all that the family has left after the loss of their baby and all their hard work, love and dreams.  It is hard leaving the hospital with a box in your arms instead of the baby that you have hoped and yearned for so let’s try to help and make it as best as possible for them.

Things you can do to help and donate

Boxes – These are the main thing that we need.   There are white photo boxes sold different places I have found some at Target for 3.99 that are plain white boxes that you can decorate for a memorial box for these mothers to put items in and take home as a gift. They are about the size of a shoe box.   You can paint them to decorate or use wallpaper, ribbon, or other crafty ideas. You can choose a unisex type box or make a boy or girl box by color.  There  are also baby keep sake boxes sold everywhere that will work too.  I have found some at Ross Dress For Less.

  If you feel like filling the box also here is a list of things you can fill it with

• ·         disposable camera
• ·         small crosses or religious items such as poems or cards or little mementos
• ·         picture frame
• ·         jewelry for mother
• ·         Butterfly’s are the national symbol for loss so any little items with them
• ·         small stuffed dolls or animals that we can take pictures with the baby holding
• ·         Any items for picture taking

You can also donate:

• Plaster kits for feet and hands
• Long stem white roses (fake) for the outside of the hospital doors
• Headband with bows or flowers for the little girls and infant hats for both sexes
• Cute socks
• Memory books
• Outfits and blankets

Please take the items or send to Downtown Baptist if you would like to honor Delanie Faye daughter of Holly Denton a nurse at downtown Baptist that grew her wings April 6^th 2011 as well as all the angels lost to soon.  If you can’t do Downtown Baptist please take to your nearest hospital to help make this experience for any parents just a little better.

111. E Dallas Street, San Antonio, TX 78205

Care of Maria Sanchez women’s services 3B/3C (3^rd floor)

Or care of me Holly Denton

Box made for me for Delanie

All the momentos

Her hands

Forever able to touch her hands

Other boxes I bought that are marked keep sake boxes that work well

These were bought at ross dress for less

Today was eventful then uneventful

So I noticed some lines on Dustin's left leg the other day they look more like stretch marks to me.  They are on his upper left thigh only.  Which in the past we have had vascular issues with the veins in that leg.  Granted Dustin has had a 6 pound weight gain recently so it could be stretch marks as well but they happened so suddenly and it's not like he is chubby or over weight.  So I made a appointment to take him to the doctor's office this morning at 9:00 am she did the exam and started to check his pulses in his legs and noticed the left side was weak and harder to palate but color is good and size is the same as the other one.  So she said she would like us to have a venous doppler sono done to rule out the more nastier things.  We wanted it done quickly to have results by today so we went to the Christa's Santa Rosa hospital close but then when we arrived they informed us that we would have to come back at 1pm so we were okay and we went home for a hour or two then came back.  Well then they informed us they are "out of network" so only 50% would be covered so we would have to pay $250.00 up front.  I called insurance and if I would go to a baptist facility it would be covered 100%.  I called and scheduled it for the morning because Dustin also has a toothache and needed to see the dentist later that afternoon.  So tomorrow we will know more on that.  I have to say the service was horrible at Christa's so we will not be returning.  We went to the dentist after and Dustin's two front teeth are about to pop!  She said to let them wiggle and give tylenol for pain and they took xrays to make sure they were safe to let them come out on their own and they were.  We did recieve great service there and Children's Dental Ark and Dustin was so happy to be there and they were so informative and understanding.  We will definately stay with them for life =)  So on to tomorrow to get more answers I am so exhausted and the days are so filled as today is also my niece's birthday and tomorrow is the other love of my life my best friend Kimmy's birthday so long eventful days!  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO BACK TO WORK!  AHHHHHH

Just so weird for them to be all so suddenly and pop up so fast this is his inner left thigh