Why won't you go away...

Hard couple days but what days aren't hard in some way or another some worst then others some times just worse then others and some better.  I have been so busy this week this is the first time I have really had some time to myself just a few minutes before I totally crash.  Been working all my hours at work lately and then some.  After work today, tired and hungry we went out to eat together came home and I was exhausted and sore and my body aching from hard work staring in the large mirror in my bathroom I was looking at my body and the small marks of redness around my incision.  Yes still healing....why won't you just go away.  Why are you still there reminding me.  Heal already.  There is the anger.  But then I remember that this scar of mine introduced me to my wonderful daughter.  I did get to see her and love her hold her in my arms.  So not all bad.  But those parts of you don't always make since and sometimes you just can't process the positive parts at that moment in time.  Negatives in life always seem to creep up easier in everything and this is no different.  You get almost angry at times wanting your body to just go back like it never happened.  Although don't get me wrong I have no regrets.  I never have and never will about my daughter.  I would still choose her and I would still do it over with the same result.  Sometimes that anger and rage comes out though you just don't want to look at the ugly reminder of the negative of the matter.  The badness of losing someone so precious and perfect.  Sometimes you just don't understand but I guess no one ever really ever will fully.  I know I feel like I never will.  There isn't a day or a moment that she doesn't always cross my mind.  Each day it seems a chapter somewhat closes on her.  She gets further away from me in some ways.  She is a memory to many people.  I am the person right now that just lost a baby but that title is fading.  Life is ongoing.  People stop saying they are sorry and stop looking at you funny and stop watching what they say infront of you.  Life goes on.  I thought about next year and how next year I won't be thought of at all as the mother who lost her child.  I know this all doesn't make since to anyone.  But it all adds up to life just going by and how I feel somewhat like I am standing still in time and sad at the same time that I am leaving the era of her grief in others eyes.  If I look sad and am looking down thinking of her that won't come across their minds as the reason why.  But it's her...it will always be her.  I will never stop thinking about her it just won't stop nor do I want it to.  I will keep her fresh and I will always picture her face and feel her skin next to me forever.  My heart is still broken and that peice will be forever gone.  Yes it will still function and yes I will live and yes I will still love and still breath again but that peice will always be missing and she will always be the one holding it. In her tiny arms tiny hands she holds that peice waiting for me one day.  Until then...