Friday, August 19, 2011
So I have this feeling I can't quite describe when I was thinking of this blog and I have thought about this for awhile. There are so many angles and branches that it is hard to describe it all in one word or phrase or even detail because you say it one way and it makes since but it branches into another detail as well. I miss the blissfulness in life. The thought that you are untouchable. The knowing bad things happen in this world and how sorry you feel for those that it happens upon but knowing that it will never happen to you or anyone close. So I thought. I miss thinking that no matter what god would not let that happen or my grandmother lord rest her soul would always protect me...us. Not that I am saying I am in anyway forsaking my lord or any lines of that. Remember these are thoughts and feelings in my head. My bubble of bliss has popped and my eyes are open to the harsh reality of life grown up. I always thought I was "untouchable" in a way. So protected and special somewhat. Life was hard but it passed and we advanced slowly but surely. I never thought my storyline was so bad. Even with Dustin I was so surprised at how blessed we were and how special I was that god and my loved ones passed had protected and carried us through. Dustin was my saving grace in really believing in god and seeing the goodness of life. Then on the other hand I have been dealt the loss and sadness and the feeling of being unprotected and unrewarded for my efforts and hardwork and devotion. My daughter is gone. My bubble is popped to the harsh reality that we are the people we read about. The stories we stumble upon on the internet and say a prayer and shake our heads and say wow I couldn't imagine. We are that story. We were before Delanie with Dustin and so many other stories but I was blissfully unaware because with Dustin I never saw the raw heartache I was always in my blissful bubble that no matter what he would make it. He shined with everything wonderful and good. Then this other hand now. My sweet daughter. Now I find myself wondering about tomorrow and what it will bring. Could it bring another blissful bubble to be popped? Small to big things I ponder about. Will I get in a car accident tomorrow will someone I love? Will something happen? I know I have no control over these things but the reality is that these or anything could happen. I am not untouchable. I have alot of questions on the " rules and regulations" of god. No I am not forsaking him I love him and all that he is and I am faithful and thankful. But I am wondering if we are really on our own and no help is given it is just luck and if soemthing happens he comes to embrace us and take us home. So I find myself lost in prayers and wondering what exactly to pray for? Do I pray for another baby and a healthy pregnancy? Does he have control over that? With Delanie I prayed every night and all day pretty much on and off. I had detailed prayers and never forgot. Did that do any good? Does he really have control or a hand in the matter or is it just the luck of the drawl in some ways. I still pray I will continue to. These are just thoughts mind you that race in my head and leave me baffled with of course no answers and never will. I just feel awoken to reality like I never was before. I just always was blissful and had that "won't happen to me attitude" not arrogant about it though just never thought it. I thought with Delanie surely I had been thru enough trying to get pregnant with my kids and everything happenign with Dustin I would be blessed with a easy pregnancy I was wrong. Then going thru her pregnancy with a smile on my face and all the pain and hard work I put in surely I figured it would be enough to get my reward. Not saying that she wasn't a reward enough but you know what I mean. But that bubble popped. You work hard for a chance and I would do it again. Just for a chance. I am not untouchable I am real, I am not a special someone who is a saint and will get all I pray for in life. I am someone who has a chance. Be happy I have that I know. I know all the logic responses and angles. Just thoughts in my head remember I am letting you in. I know its a messy jumbled sometimes harmful place but I am trying to heal it and make it better the best I can.