Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I know...

I know I have been gone I know I haven't wrote.  It's not from lack of feelings but rather lack of describing them at times.  Tonight is harder as some are.  They come and go these harder times then other.  I count my blessings and remind myself that I am still very blessed.  Sometimes its the simple things that you think about that make you wonder into the darker parts of your feelings and emotions.  I wonder what I would be doing right now if she was here.  I wonder how I would be feeling and if we would have adjusted to life as parents of two children.  How we would be doing with another small child in the house after it has been so long.  I wonder if she would be strong enough to try to sit up now or maybe budding a tooth.  I think of these things all day long.  Small things that people take for granted.  I wonder if I would be in a horrid bad mood right now from lack of sleep because she would be nursing all night from a growth spurt or maybe her first cold.  I wonder how she would look with her eyes full of amazement when she noticed her chubby feet and hands for the first time.  I wonder...I wonder all day and night with pauses in between.  Yes life is easier but the grief is always there and I know in my heart it will always be a weight to bare I know I am strong enough and will be strong enough just every now and then you want to sat that weight down and just remember what it was like not to carry it and remember the blissful moments from before.  Before you saw the ugliness of a reality you wish on no one.  Small things simple things will bring you there.  Today we were at dinner we met John because he had a side job to do after work today.  But he always needs and wants to see Dustin so we met for dinner quickly at a resturant.  I watched them in wonderment how beautiful they both are and how much they both deeply mean to me.  When we were leaving John kissed me and Dustin as he always does and told us how much he loves us as always.  Routinely this is how we say goodbye and then we both get in but John comes back a second time to kiss us again always.  Well this time he ran to his car and Dustin was so upset.  Then just thinking about it I thought what a beautiful thing we have.  We always kiss and love Dustin and he doesn't go a day without us telling him we love him about 10 times.  We still tuck him in together in bed each night and we still have to hug and kiss him and put his blankets just right.  We just love him so much and our worlds revolve around him.  We tell him how special he is daily and how much we prayed for him and how he is a gift.  I wonder if that is why he is such a wonderful heartfelt little boy.  I think of how lucky we are to have someone to tuck in each night and say I love you too.  I know many who don't even have that chance.  But I so wish we could have given and done this all for Delanie too.  She would have had such a blessed life and would have never gone a day without a hug, kiss or I love you from both of her loving parents.  We deeply LOVE Dustin and I love looking at my husband and watching him watch Dustin with love and a proudful look just when Dustin is doing something so simple.  I know I am blessed that there are not many fathers out there that are so perfect and so loving and I have one.  I know it's rare.  I know that there are many people that will never come close to a love like ours and comfort with eachother as we feel.  And for that I know I am blessed.  I know it's one in a million to have this all.  So am I greedy for wanting a little more or really just sharing more.  We have so much love to offer we really are good people and good parents. 

Please god just don't let this be it for us.   Please watch over us and help us choose the steps to the right paths we are meant to lead.  Please light our way to where we need to be.  Please forgive me for asking so much of you.  Please know that I am thankful for my blessings and apologize for wanting more but know I need more and have more to offer.  Please lord know my intentions are for the best and better in life.  Keep my angel safe by your side and let her know that she is so loved and will forever be wanted and needed and to wait for mommy and daddy because we are saving her kisses, hugs and I love you's for her and when we get there we will be delivering them all hand in hand. 

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