End of the world....hmmm

I guess today was supposed to be the end of the world but who knows we American's are always stylishly late.  I never thought it would be the end of the world anyways.  The day started off really well actually I got up this morning early I was excited that John's best friend Mike was coming over.  He is the best uncle ever and Dustin was excited he was coming to.  He was so sweet and sweated his booty off all day to help us get the outside ready and going for Delanie' s gardens and other projects.  So I got up to make him breakfast because food is the way to his heart.  LOL  I made a big breakfast of french toast, hash browns and bacon and some fresh coffee I knew they would need it for all I had in store for the two unaware men.  We have totally juggled and demoed a lot in our front and backyard.  We also took down the above ground pool that we had in the backyard which was WAY a lot of work we still aren't done!  We made two of the front gardens in the front yard for Delanie and we got her two beautiful trees yesterday also!  We had been to about 15 nurseries looking for the right ones!  Finally found them from a wonderful guy outside of San Marcus.  We are planning on doing a stone patio where the pool is and I will add memorial stones for Delanie as well <3  I just can't wait until it is all done but it will take a long time for everything to come together and I will take pictures along the way and share them here.  I should have taken before pictures prior but oh well I will take some tomorrow and share them tomorrow night.  Had a run in this morning over the phone with a hateful family member that I have thrown out of my life for good.  Since having Delanie I just see life differently and negative people I don't need around my family we just don't deserve that.  Apparently I need to get over my daughter already even though this person hasn't even talked to me since way before Delanie died.  There is way more to the story but I don't want to dwell on it.  I need to look for positives and stay positive and keep going forward in life.  A lot of big things in the next few weeks.  My niece graduates, Dustin finishing up this year of school, and I will be returning back to work and lots of yard work and we really need to catch up on finances as we have a lot of medical expenses piling up sadly with nothing to show for them which makes it harder to swallow.  Work will be good though I miss my work family dearly and I miss working I do love my job and need to get back to doing what I love.  =) 

Hold them...

I am asking you to do something for me tonight.  I am asking you this favor.  This favor to look at your children and realize you can touch them because they are there.  Sing to them because they are there.  Hug them because they are there.  Praise them because they are there.  Hold their hands because you can...

First and last time holding hands

My intention is not to scare you or make you fear your child's death.  But these things are sudden and you never know when you have your last chance to touch them kiss them feel them, speak to them.  Death is never planned in children really it is always sudden.  When you look back on your day even today.  Would you have any regrets to not hugging your child enough?  Did you tell them you loved them today?  What would happen if tomorrow you woke and didn't have the chance.  This post is not to scare you but enjoy what you have and know that you have the chance.  We did not think that Delanie would never have the chance to be loved in the flesh and be held warmly in our arms.  We do take everyday life for granted.  I even do with Dustin.  I am guilty of him asking me to play a game or asking to watch a movie with me but my favorite show is on and I tell him later son.  What if there was no later would that last encounter be a regret later?  I am taking a vow right now.  Just like when you are married you are told " Never go to bed angry".  Well use that with your children never let them go to bed unloved.  Make sure that you kiss them hug them and love them and let them know how much you love them each night.  Take 5-10 minutes with each one and sit on the edge of their beds and tell them how much they mean to you.  Then hug them and take in the feeling of their warmth and unconditional love for you.  Then kiss their warm forehead and remember there will be a time when you won't be able to do that each night after they are grown.  Take a breath in and smell their clean bathed hair.  Take in each thing slowly and place it in a memory in your head.  Live every moment as if its your last is a wonderful line that I think of often now.  I do take even my wonderful miracle of a child for granted often.  Remember they are a gift treat them right and with love because they are your gift from heaven.  Hold them tight and show them why they chose you when they were angels above.  XOXO

Sometimes it gets just a little bit harder...

Today has been a range of emotions I think I have went thru every stage of grieving all over again in one days time.  Anger was a huge one this morning I was not angry at anyone just the situation.  Tears streamed down my face as I was driving to the store to get a few groceries for tonight's dinner I should be in bed right now I kept thinking.  I should have been getting ready for the wonderful birth of my daughter, I should have been packing my bags and wondering how I would sleep tonight with the birth of my daughter scheduled for the morning.  I should have been planning on washing all her cloths and washing Dustin's big brother shirt for the morning.  I should have kissed him tonight and told him to get some rest because tomorrow he would be a big brother.  So much that should have happened the list goes on and on.  I wish I wasn't sitting in bed wondering how much pain tomorrow will bring.  I wish this was a much happier post with pictures of my bags next to the front door and us acting silly around the house making sure we packed everything but forgetting most of it.  But tomorrow I will wake up as usual there is nothing special about the day.  I will make breakfast for John and Dustin then get dressed and start my day.  Just like today and yesterday.  There will be no baby cries or happy tears tomorrow or family members streaming in the room with smiles on their faces and wet cheeks from seeing how beautiful my daughter is and making fun of how she is going to keep us up all night.  Tomorrow will not be that day.  Tomorrow will be Thursday and a broken dream.  I wish things were different I wish tomorrow still would have been the day I would say Happy Birthday to my first born daughter.  I know that when I wake up and roll over to the sun I will still whisper in my mind happy hopeful birthday Delanie.   Today I am 6 weeks postpartum.  6 weeks and your life is forever changed everything turned around.  Just 6 weeks....breathe

Just noticed...

Mine and Delanie's little pinky toes are both crooked and they were captured in each picture

postpartum check up

John came with me which I was happy about.  We came early to hopefully get out early but that did not happen.  We were the first people there and everyone got seen before us because my doctor was running late.  Was hard to sit in the waiting room because I forgot this would have been one of my normal appt dates and the same group of pregnant women were all there.  Everyone with their big bellies and glowing and me alone in the corner hugging my husband. Nothing much to really report from there either as far as results she briefly checked me and asked us some questions and encouraged us on TTC again after a 6 month break to allow my body to heal from the c-section.  She also had no answers on what happened with Delanie only that she really thought and felt in her heart that it would not happen again.  We left there and I really was thinking hard.  That was the last of anything to do with Delanie doctor wise.  I thought I would be sadder like a book almost starting to close.  The last step would be returning to work in a way.  A weird thinking in my head.  I always have these little check marks going and checking things off one by one in my head and I am running out of check marks.  Weird I know....I am really tired today and just really wanting to rest.  I love having John with me and we are trying to get alot done.  Hopefully later this week we will have everything together to start on some of Delanie's gardens and tree.  xoxoxo

Results....

I know many of you are wanting to know about results.  I wish I had some to give you.  We met with Dr. McFarland and she had none to offer.  Everything came back good and she even reviewed all old sonogram footage and couldn't find one thing that might have been the case.  There was no reason and we just have to live life with that and I know sometimes it just happens from working in the same field but it's hard to swallow when it is yourself.  We have a wonderful plan of action that was well thought out for the future.  We love Dr. McFarland and know she truly cares for us and wants to help us in any way possible.  There was a slight infection noted on my placenta but not enough to cause any trouble or even a elevated white count or fever.  More then likely that was only noted because of her death even though it was only a very short time she was passed away.  We are thinking many theories about her death more then likely it would have to be something sudden because the Friday before she had scored a 8/8 on her BPP which is a health score given via sonogram.  Blood flow was also checked and everything was fine.  We know she had a two vessel cord so if one vein clotted or failed she would not have had a backup like most babies.  There is the possibility of a fetal stroke or cord accident since it was sudden.  There was meconium present which medical people know when mec (a babies stool) is present there was fetal stress.  She moved at 9pm that night and was sonogramed that morning with no heartbeat.  She had only passed away a matter of hours.  Just hours changed my life,  how precious life is such a short time made such a big difference.  I am thankful John is with me this week as if I was still pregnant we would be preparing for our scheduled c-section on Thursday.  So sad to think about it at least I won't spend it alone.  Going to try to stay as busy as possible this week.  Love to all please keep us in your thoughts and prayers we appreciate it greatly as we heal.  More later......tomorrow is my 6 week postpartum check up I really am not looking forward to going back...

Trip to the coast and tomorrow

This weekend John and I took Dustin to the coast for some family time.  John's bosses were so nice to us to let us have their beach house all to ourselves it was a great thing for healing and some relaxing moments.  You can almost pretend you were in another life.  Was nice to get away but my mind was never far from reality though I pretended to be far away from it.  I realized this weekend just how often I really do think of my daughter even when in a way I am trying not to almost.  We did have fun and fished and loved one another.  We were goofy and laughed and teased and played.  We did all the things a good family does.  We took away alot of nice memories and smiles.  Dustin and John needed the time for sure.  I finally got to stick my toes in the sand =)  Something I have been talking about since I got put on bed rest with Delanie January 9th.  But it was also a sad moment cause I remember thinking when I got the chance to do that I would be holding my little girl in my arms.  It turned out to be a very empty moment.  What was more fuller was watching Dustin running on the beach with his no fear outlook on life dodging waves and laughing loudly and asking his daddy to watch all his moves.  They are my life and I love them both dearly.  We never strayed to far from thinking of our daughter though and wrote her name in the sand to let her know maybe in a way.  Tomorrow will be a hard day please pray for us.  We go to the results appointment for mine and Delanie's blood work.  I am not sure how I will feel and if I want results or not.  It is just one more thing on the grief checklist to go thru and one more thing you just won't know how you will feel until you get there and get through it.  This whole process you never know how you will feel until you get to that point or venture.  Tuesday then is my 6 weeks postpartum check up.  John is off this whole week on vacation.  A vacation that would have been meant for the birth of our daughter on Thursday.  She would have been here this week and instead I feel like I am coming to the end of her in a way with the last of the check up and then shortly returning back to work.  Life will be at a new normal but old normal routine again.  I just wonder what life will hold in store for us over the next few months and even just a year from now where will we be?

Here are a few pictures from this weekend <3

At last......

We love you

Dustin and the red fish <3

Dustin playing in the water

Part of my heart