Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Sometimes it gets just a little bit harder...

Today has been a range of emotions I think I have went thru every stage of grieving all over again in one days time.  Anger was a huge one this morning I was not angry at anyone just the situation.  Tears streamed down my face as I was driving to the store to get a few groceries for tonight's dinner I should be in bed right now I kept thinking.  I should have been getting ready for the wonderful birth of my daughter, I should have been packing my bags and wondering how I would sleep tonight with the birth of my daughter scheduled for the morning.  I should have been planning on washing all her cloths and washing Dustin's big brother shirt for the morning.  I should have kissed him tonight and told him to get some rest because tomorrow he would be a big brother.  So much that should have happened the list goes on and on.  I wish I wasn't sitting in bed wondering how much pain tomorrow will bring.  I wish this was a much happier post with pictures of my bags next to the front door and us acting silly around the house making sure we packed everything but forgetting most of it.  But tomorrow I will wake up as usual there is nothing special about the day.  I will make breakfast for John and Dustin then get dressed and start my day.  Just like today and yesterday.  There will be no baby cries or happy tears tomorrow or family members streaming in the room with smiles on their faces and wet cheeks from seeing how beautiful my daughter is and making fun of how she is going to keep us up all night.  Tomorrow will not be that day.  Tomorrow will be Thursday and a broken dream.  I wish things were different I wish tomorrow still would have been the day I would say Happy Birthday to my first born daughter.  I know that when I wake up and roll over to the sun I will still whisper in my mind happy hopeful birthday Delanie.   Today I am 6 weeks postpartum.  6 weeks and your life is forever changed everything turned around.  Just 6 weeks....breathe

1 comment:

  1. Oh Holly! Nothing I say can ever make anything better! This was a beautiful post even though it's sad.

    I love you friend!!