Friday, May 13, 2011

Time is like pain medication

First of all YAY that blog spot is back I haven't been able to post for the past few days because of it being down.  

I have come to the conclusion that time is like pain medication for the person in grief.  It numbs it to wear you don't feel it as bad and allows you to do everyday activity without the pain being unbearable.  But like pain medication works the pain is still there the whole time with the same intensity it just dulls it while the medication is working at it's fullest.  So time is a person of grief's narcotic.  The pain is always there it never hurts less in intensity because the outcome is never changing there is no improving the situation that caused the grief there are no go backs so the pain is unchanging.  Just gets more bearable.  You just live again but with the forever hole in your heart where the pain comes from.  I am glad it is getting easier to live again but in a way I feel guilty.  Soon I will be returning back to work the first week of June and it in a way feels like that will be the end of the whole maternity leave so it is back to life but without her.  It feels like some sort of ending to her situation and her.  I know it never is yes I am a very logical thinker at times but emotionally this is how I feel.  Monday is her big appointment where we will find out if there was any reason that showed up on labs for her death.  We refused a autopsy on our sweet angel because she was just to perfect to harm.  We were very protective over her and I still am.  I find myself very protective over her things and want no one to touch them or try to take them right now.  Just how I am feeling this week at this time who knows what it will be like next week or the next hour.  These emotions are swift in changing and very unknowing.  I once scared of her room sit in there often.  Sometimes it's very sad and sometimes it's very happy but most of all it is just empty.  I read Dustin a wonderful children's grief book call we were going to have a baby but had a angel instead, my friend Amy suggested it after buying it for her older daughter after her middle daughter passed away.  It really was very good and he really enjoyed it.  John's vacation is this week he is staying close with me because this is the week we chose to have Delanie Faye.  She would have been born on Thursday May 19th at 7am if everything would have just gone right.  If I was in a good dream instead of a bad one.  We are leaving to go to the coast this weekend and I am excited about that all I have wanted since I have been pregnant was to stick my feet in the warm water and put my face to the wind and take a deep breath.  Now I will do it without my reward though of my daughter.  But I know I will enjoy the serenity of watching John and Dustin hold hands and play in the water and knock down each other's sand castle's and tease each other about who caught the bigger fish and who gets to hold mama's hand (both).  I will listen to them both fight and bicker like two old men and I will be thankful to have the chance to giggle and scold them both but meanwhile I will still miss the essence and love of my daughter.  I will think of her often in the peace fullness of the ocean.  I will miss her deeply but also enjoy and count my blessings of having her in my life even for just a short time.  I will count my blessings of the family I am left with.  When packing my pink and black suitcase John bought me for the trip to the hospital today I thought about how unfair it was that I was packing it for a trip to the coast and not for a trip to the hospital this week.  If only I knew when he brought it home and how happy it made me that I would be packing it for the planned time but not for the planned birth.  Life has a cruel twist to it far to often then I would like.  I miss her.  I want her.  I needed her.  But I will live without her only to breath for her,  Only for the chance to see her again someday far away.



  1. I'm so sorry you have to endure such pain and loss. It hurts and it's difficult that life goes on as if nothing happened. I have faith that blessings will come from Delanie's passing.

  2. You deserve some time away! Enjoy the ocean and your boys....<3 <3 hugs!

  3. Those are some beautiful piggies!!

    As you take each step through this, never feel bad for being happy or sad. nor feel bad for smiling or crying. Never feel bad for moving on.

    Smile for Delanie because she exsits!!

    Enjoy your little vaycay to the beach!! Dip some toes for me.

    Love you mama!!

  4. I do not know how you and your family do it Holly.
    You and your family are continuosly in my thoughts and prayers.the sunshines here and i think of little miss D how she is smiling down on you watching your every move listening to your words..then the sun shines brighter and stronger i know she is loving you all and missing you all.