Ughh...

Been thinking all day as we have spent 98% of it at home today because this morning Dustin got sick again but again has been okay all day again?  Oh well I did run to target to get him some Children's Imodium so I think that is what finally did the trick.  Poor little guy hope we don't lose any weight but he is pretty solid on his weight now so it doesn't worry me like the past.  I also met with the wonderful lady that handles most of the infant loss stuff at the hospital she was bringing me my pictures of Delanie.  I only got two back because something happened to the film so that was sad but I know I need to be ever thankful for what I receive there are people out there that don't even get pictures.  I was happy with one of the shots that they got.  The other shot was of her big feet that made me smile.  But then I thought looking at her how she was inside me and I had always wondered what she would look like.  I wish I could stare at her little face alive so I could see her features better.  I am still thankful I try to think positively that I got to carry her that long.  That all my pregnancy issues have been diagnosed and are all treatable and there is a wonderful plan laid out.  I know I have it much better then others.  I have a son who is a complete miracle that really isn't supposed to be here and is.  My little 1 pound 5 oz miracle that is singing in his underware acting like he is talking to his daddy on the phone.  And he is so perfect.  I have heard horrid stories of women's babies dieing and then the mother's having to get a hysterectomy.  At least I have another shot and a wonderful husband.  At least I am not single.  I try my hardest to think positively so that the negative doesn't change me doesn't take me down all the time.  That is how I got thru Dustin's birth and time in the NICU.  I counted my blessings each day.  I counted each hour he was alive.  I think about that.  How bad I thought I had it then and I know it was bad but how I would love to be visiting a baby in the NICU verses a baby in a urn and looking at pictures and holding onto blankets trying to just get a piece of her closer to you.  I swear I feel bad for any time I have ever complained about aches pains or suffering because this is true suffering.  Course I was always thankful for each day I was pregnant and for the chance to be pregnant.  But I think it somewhat changed again to a closer view of being more grateful then even before.  Tomorrow is Mother's Day I won't know how I will feel until I get there.  Just like everything else in this whole process of losing a child.  You just really don't know what will be a trigger or how you will react in anything until you are in the exact moment.  I am wanting to be with my mother in law I really realized how much she loves me and my family and that I know she would sacrafice anything to protect us.  She is the most unselfish person I think I have ever met in my life.  I hope we have a good day tomorrow.  I did make a pie with Dustin for tomorrow hopefully it came out good for us all to enjoy.  I find myself happily cooking alot more.  I just want to cherish and take care of the family that I do have.  Still forever missing the family that i have lost.  Dreaming has still been hard lately I have no idea why they have become so vivid and real but I wish they weren't.  Hopefully with time they get better too.  John will be home tonight thankfully.  He has been gone on a fishing trip for work since Thursday and I am very lonely.  The house seems so much bigger when he is gone.  It has just been me and Dustin and I think we are both a little lonely.  But tonight daddy will be back where he belongs right beside us keeping us safe and loved.  Tomorrow I will wake up to both my boys and make them breakfast and watch them tease each other laughing and joking.  I will laugh with them but my mind will still wonder off from time to time while watching wishing that there was a missing face with them,  a missing laugh, a missing heart beating.  I will still be forever missing her and that isn't going to change.  I just hope my grandmother is holding her little name sake and enjoying her on mother's day for me <3