Tuesday, May 3, 2011

She wasn't there..

So today is the day...I busted in the door I had to go in there to get Dustin's paperwork for next year's enrollment and John's registration for his truck.  See what happened is before I came home my sister came in before me and cleaned up the house and took everything of Delanie's or pregnancy related and put it in her room to help me come home a little easier.  I keep all my paperwork in a basket by my side of the bed well I did when I was pregnant because I wasn't allowed to get up but still had to pay bills of course.  In the basket was my sono pics and baby book so she put it in there.  I walked in took pictures the whole way to kind of hide behind the camera in a way.  To give me a task of some sorts and something to focus on and I think it helped.  It wasn't that bad when I went in there nothing like I expected.  She wasn't there.....she had never been in there she never had made it home.  The room smells like paint and fresh linens it doesn't smell like her.  The sadness came from the lost dreams and hopes but not her.  It was meant for her all of it.  Her name everywhere.  The crib empty, the diaper bag by the door, the diapers on the changing table, everything ready and waiting for a baby to come into the room.  There are gift bags with loads of cloths and gifts in them waiting to be hung or put up.  Some hanging in the closet.  Shoes on the shelves waiting for little feet to fill them.  Lotions and soaps in baskets, bottles ready,  the chair by the window for breastfeeding with the boppy beside it.  Everything waiting for the baby that would never come  home to it.  If only I had known life's cruel fate.  I wonder if somehow I did it always felt like I was dreaming like it really wasn't going to happen until toward the end I started to believe it would.  Maybe that is why I waited so long to start on her room.  Maybe I knew but pushed it to the back in hoping that I was wrong.  I always thought it would be prematurity that might take her not something with no reason.  no reason.  Sometimes those are hard words to swallow.  I will start to pack up her things we bought the tubs already.  Might wait for someone to be here with me but they just need to sit in there I don't want anyone touching her things.  I am going to pack them all up in the tubs to keep them all in good condition in hopes one day Delanie can pass them along to her little sister or to someone close or in need.  I go into the room and look at the crib and hope one day we will fill it with the sounds and smells of a much wanted and loved lively baby.  This room is a dream room.  This will be a little dream hanging over me in hopes that one day this room will be filled with love and laughter.  Right now I look at it as hope and faith.  I am going to keep dreaming and praying hopefully one day I will look back on these pictures and smile instead of this feeling right now.

Here we go

Her name

Everything still up from the baby shower a few days before her death

Gifts everywhere this was the gift table everything is just kind of laying on it like a storm and the left over is the aftermath

Her name in her closet

Waiting for her well they were

Some of her closet

Diapers and wipes ready

Empty crib...

Gift bags from the shower still loaded with everything

A friend got this for me at the shower unknowing at the time how true it would be it shocked me when I saw it again I had forgotten about it until I looked up.

Chair by the window this is the one I look in from the outside.

Everything on the table..her fetal doppler where I had heard her heartbeat just hours before

Diaper bag ready to go

Shoes for little feet


My view from my room of her carseat and stroller they were all put together already

Redid her flowers next to where she really is....cold reality I miss her..


  1. I LOVE that you are looking at this so positively!! Delanie may not be there physically but I'm sure she thinks her room kicks ass!

    One day that room will be filled with love and laughter and happiness! Stay string my friend.

  2. I am sure she visits her room and you often. She is always with you! I love you and your strength!