So hard...

I have been doing so well but tonight things just seem harder I think cause John is gone and mother's day is tomorrow.  I know John will be here soon around midnight.  Tomorrow I know will be okay.  I can't keep myself out of her things.  I have been in her room alot of the night.  Dustin and I sat in there and I read him a child grief book that was actually very good and hit home very hard and it really helped him and then he wanted to talk about her more and then he wanted to look into her things and see her pictures.  We went thru them all together and he said so many "right" and sweet things.  Sometimes he amazes me and I swear there are angels whispering in his ears telling him what to say.  I was going thru her little folder of pictures that I recieved today and staring at them thinking how beautiful and wonderful she was and I just wish I could see her again and touch her skin.  I wish she was in my arms again even just for a minute.  I wish I could kiss her face again.  Tonight is so hard and the pain seems to come in rushes.  Hopefully soon when John gets here it will ease and I can focus on him and how much I have missed him and touch his face and hold him for a little while.  I just wish tonight was over already....I wish her pictures that I am going thru would be different I wish they would be of a happy delivery instead of a sad one.  I feel like I just want to write a different story with a different result and a happy ending.