Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Striving for the better...

I find myself constantly striving to change to be better.  I am having another one of those make the bed mornings.  Which for those of you that don't know me I make the bed so that I don't crawl back into it.  I really find FOR ME that if I get back in and go to sleep yes those moments are nice and relaxing but when I wake up I feel drained all day and end up on and off in bed.  I think that is how depression really progresses is in your sleep patterns.  Well at least for me.  Now if I stay up then I end up forcing myself to get up and go and do things even though I am tired?  Weird right?  But since Delanie's birth and all those many weeks (15) on bedrest strict bedrest I have changed some of my mindset on wanting to be more organized and productive in life.  Seems like some days I am wasting precious life.  I think about that once I was a baby and I was also given the chance to live and breath so am I bad for wasting it?  Would I have any regrets?  I know some people think I may be morbid thinking this but I think about organization and if I were to pass away in my earlier life and people were left to go thru my things and help John pack would they be surprised?  So maybe that is why I am going thru things trying to straighten them up.  I am also going back to work which is a huge step and I still want to take care of John and Dustin so I want to make sure everything runs smoothly for them and even me.  I wish I could peek in everyone's houses and just see what works for them in little things they do.  Like all the tips and trades women have but may not even notice that its a awesome idea.  Each family is a little book I wish I could read about.  Everyone has a story wish I knew theirs as I am sure they might be surprised at our long story in our short lives.  They wouldn't think by looking at us all that we have been thru in life.  But I will keep striving for the better.  Keep making my bed and keep looking for the sun.

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