Monday, May 9, 2011

Walking thru life...

Being a person of grief makes you take a different outlook on life.  It is as comparable to being a mother makes you think totally different then others.  I am a big people watcher I can sit on a bench and just watch different people stroll by and I love to just sit there and watch.  I met my sister for lunch today in Gruene and I was watching people walk by wondering what in their lives were they going thru.  I have felt before in at times like I wear a big sign that says I LOST MY BABY on me or in some ways wanted to scream it to the world and other times hide it.  I wonder if one of the people walking by might be feeling the same way.  Whether it be with a family member or a husband off to war and not come back or a child lost, a couple walking by holding hands maybe suffering with infertility.  You just don't know their story as they don't know yours.  The lady in the corner you think is giving you dirty looks do you think maybe your the age of a child she lost and maybe it hurts to look at you.  There are so many thoughts and perspectives to look at in life and many times you only think of your own world or the others near yours.  The pregnant woman that walks by holding her belly.  You might be jealous of her but what if that baby were to have a chronic life threatening condition and she knows that and she knows that the child's birthday will also be the day it grows their wings but she still carries it.  We just don't know their stories.  It just really makes you wonder.  The waitress serving me has alot on her mind would she take more time for me and smile more often if she knew how much pain I was secretly in?   The lady at home depot the other day was hurtful and rude to me when I was trying to get help to find a quart of paint then I asked her if it came out in white or if I needed to add color to get it that way and she said, nah it will come out white.  Well that was wrong it comes out clear with no color added so I will have to make a return trip to the store.  Did she stop to think that I had to muscle up courage to walk into that store to buy a quart of white paint to get my daughter's hope chest painted so I could put her special things in it?  You just never know who you are helping and talking to and what they have been thru or maybe what they are about to go thru in life.  We take life's simpleness for granted and never think of the unknown.  You never know the person you could hold open the door for and smile nicely at in a resturant might die on the ride home from there and your smile is the last thing they might remember seeing.  You just don't really know your impact on people or situations and you might never know.  You might be talking loudly about your love for children at dinner and a man at the bar might go home to his wife and decide that he is ready to start a family because he saw your beautiful family eating together.  You alter history and life just by living.  Life is so precious in each turn and moment.  You don't know what tomorrow will bring or the next hour.  You might be getting a phone call of goodwill or your home may burn to the ground in the next hour life just has turns and twists you never leave your home in the morning and think I better take one last look at it because it will be gone when I get back.  So much deep thoughts that run thru your head with life experiances making you richer in some ways I guess a better word might be enlightened.  Like a different lightbulb turning on in your head shining light on a new way of thinking, feeling and living.  I love you Delanie thank you for teaching me so much in so little time but I know your lessons aren't done even though you are gone.  I will never know all that you have done but I will smile at the thought of it.


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  2. I understand exactly what you are expressing, Holly.

    I remember when my grandmother died, we stopped at a fast food restaurant on the way to her funeral. I had not eaten and felt faint and Randy wanted me to get something in my stomach. As we waited in a very long line, it was our turn next and a lady cuts in front of us, telling- not asking- that it is okay because she was in a hurry. I wanted to tell her I am, too- I need something to give me some physical strength so I can have the mental strength to go bury my grandmother. I refrained.

    When my grandfather died, I remember thinking how strange it felt that the world was going on. Celebrating, even, as he died just hours before New Year's. That day as I had to go out and about, it nearly brought me to tears each time someone wished me a Happy New Year.

    Everyone does have a story and especially in this hurried society, we often do not only know their story but do not care about their story. I think it would be quite beneficial to all if that were to change.