wow...

I have a date that I am going back to work I will start work again Sunday June 5th a little nervous but happy as well to see all my friends and work family.  I miss dealing with patients and caring for them.  After all that seems to be what makes me feel better when I am in a grief storm is caring and nurturing something or someone.  So I think work will actually be healing being the line of work that I am in.  I know people are concerned because I work postpartum on a mother baby floor but that is work and it is seperate.  I know none of those babies are mine and those babies aren't what will heal my pain.  I am happy for each baby born healthy even though mine never made it.  I would never want this pain on anyone even a junkie mother high on lord knows what or a young mother or anything else that has a negative.  No one no matter who they are deserves to feel that pain nor does any innocent baby.  After all no matter who the mother is every baby is innocent.  I think this will be good I think I can be strong I know life will be good for us someday.  I feel we will be blessed again.  I still feel blessed to have her.  I still would have chose to have her and the time with her even with the same outcome and result.  So for that I need to know I am blessed.  I got to meet Delanie and no one else did.  I got to feel her and love her and feel her grow each week and day.  I got to see her pretty face and soft little feet.  I got to spot each feature of the man that I love in his daughter's face.  I did make him a father to a daughter he was wonderful.  His arms melted around her with love.  I got to see that.  I was apart of that.  I need to count my blessings.  I have had the chance.  That is afterall what I asked god for.  I ask for that again when the time is right is a chance.