Friday, May 6, 2011
Life....happy 1 month Delanie
Woke up this morning around 4 am to a sick little boy Dustin must have a stomach bug or ate something bad who knows. He had a little bit of tummy troubles yesterday but still went to school and did fine all day. Then around 4 am he is running to the bathroom poor guy. We stayed up getting sick until around 5:30 am then he came and cuddled in bed with me since daddy is gone right now. We slept until around 7:00 am a little after and then he was going to the bathroom a few more times I feel so badly for him. I got up and washed up and washed him up and then made him some dinosaur toast with butter and jelly (to get him to eat) and some juice he did eat it all and we will see how it goes staying in. So I know it's bad that my child is sick and I don't want him to be at all not one bit but I am glad he is home with me today and I can cuddle and love on him when today is May 6th 2011, Delanie was born April 6th 2011. Wow one month it has been since she has been gone. Since our dreams were shattered. I wish I could go back to the blissful glowing feeling of being pregnant and feeling my baby move around in my belly the fillings of all the sweetness of a little girl wearing little pink cloths and going into her room and picking out outfits and playing with everything and trying to picture her in the room with the crib and saying to yourself I can't believe this is my life and this is actually happening. Its a feeling like winning the lottery and buying your heart out and then them taking it away from you well really even worse then that. It's a dream bubble that gets popped. I miss her so much and wish I was holding her everyday. Not to say that it's hard all day. There are easy times there are times when you laugh and smile with friends at lunch there are times where you can dream of something other then your daughter at night and not wake up crying at the pain of losing her again in your dreams. I just got to bounce like stepping stones to those times to get thru life. I know I am lucky I know I need to count my blessings there are women who are single that do this alone. I have my husband I have his strong faithful ever loyal love. We have a understanding of each other in every way I know some don't have that. I have a son who is 8 years old who against all odds is here with me today. I know god is there because of him. I know he is a miracle and I am thankful for him. Then you have Delanie who should have made it and didn't, it's a horrid twist. I know god didn't take her I don't believe god kills or takes anyone. I think something happened and he got her out before any pain came. I don't know the results of why she died yet. I will know those on the 16th but I know from being a mother baby nurse and being in this field that many many many times there is just no answer. And I know that yes it could happen again because there is no reason people see but we can't see in the uterus we can't see into her world. She could have simply sat on her cord or something else so simple. But no matter what she was worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat even with the same outcome. Those 8 months I carried her were hard but the happiest times I have had in a long time. I got to experiance so much more in pregnancy then I ever have before. So I am thankful for that and always will be.