First of all YAY that blog spot is back I haven't been able to post for the past few days because of it being down.
I have come to the conclusion that time is like pain medication for the person in grief. It numbs it to wear you don't feel it as bad and allows you to do everyday activity without the pain being unbearable. But like pain medication works the pain is still there the whole time with the same intensity it just dulls it while the medication is working at it's fullest. So time is a person of grief's narcotic. The pain is always there it never hurts less in intensity because the outcome is never changing there is no improving the situation that caused the grief there are no go backs so the pain is unchanging. Just gets more bearable. You just live again but with the forever hole in your heart where the pain comes from. I am glad it is getting easier to live again but in a way I feel guilty. Soon I will be returning back to work the first week of June and it in a way feels like that will be the end of the whole maternity leave so it is back to life but without her. It feels like some sort of ending to her situation and her. I know it never is yes I am a very logical thinker at times but emotionally this is how I feel. Monday is her big appointment where we will find out if there was any reason that showed up on labs for her death. We refused a autopsy on our sweet angel because she was just to perfect to harm. We were very protective over her and I still am. I find myself very protective over her things and want no one to touch them or try to take them right now. Just how I am feeling this week at this time who knows what it will be like next week or the next hour. These emotions are swift in changing and very unknowing. I once scared of her room sit in there often. Sometimes it's very sad and sometimes it's very happy but most of all it is just empty. I read Dustin a wonderful children's grief book call we were going to have a baby but had a angel instead, my friend Amy suggested it after buying it for her older daughter after her middle daughter passed away. It really was very good and he really enjoyed it. John's vacation is this week he is staying close with me because this is the week we chose to have Delanie Faye. She would have been born on Thursday May 19th at 7am if everything would have just gone right. If I was in a good dream instead of a bad one. We are leaving to go to the coast this weekend and I am excited about that all I have wanted since I have been pregnant was to stick my feet in the warm water and put my face to the wind and take a deep breath. Now I will do it without my reward though of my daughter. But I know I will enjoy the serenity of watching John and Dustin hold hands and play in the water and knock down each other's sand castle's and tease each other about who caught the bigger fish and who gets to hold mama's hand (both). I will listen to them both fight and bicker like two old men and I will be thankful to have the chance to giggle and scold them both but meanwhile I will still miss the essence and love of my daughter. I will think of her often in the peace fullness of the ocean. I will miss her deeply but also enjoy and count my blessings of having her in my life even for just a short time. I will count my blessings of the family I am left with. When packing my pink and black suitcase John bought me for the trip to the hospital today I thought about how unfair it was that I was packing it for a trip to the coast and not for a trip to the hospital this week. If only I knew when he brought it home and how happy it made me that I would be packing it for the planned time but not for the planned birth. Life has a cruel twist to it far to often then I would like. I miss her. I want her. I needed her. But I will live without her only to breath for her, Only for the chance to see her again someday far away.
Being a person of grief makes you take a different outlook on life. It is as comparable to being a mother makes you think totally different then others. I am a big people watcher I can sit on a bench and just watch different people stroll by and I love to just sit there and watch. I met my sister for lunch today in Gruene and I was watching people walk by wondering what in their lives were they going thru. I have felt before in at times like I wear a big sign that says I LOST MY BABY on me or in some ways wanted to scream it to the world and other times hide it. I wonder if one of the people walking by might be feeling the same way. Whether it be with a family member or a husband off to war and not come back or a child lost, a couple walking by holding hands maybe suffering with infertility. You just don't know their story as they don't know yours. The lady in the corner you think is giving you dirty looks do you think maybe your the age of a child she lost and maybe it hurts to look at you. There are so many thoughts and perspectives to look at in life and many times you only think of your own world or the others near yours. The pregnant woman that walks by holding her belly. You might be jealous of her but what if that baby were to have a chronic life threatening condition and she knows that and she knows that the child's birthday will also be the day it grows their wings but she still carries it. We just don't know their stories. It just really makes you wonder. The waitress serving me has alot on her mind would she take more time for me and smile more often if she knew how much pain I was secretly in? The lady at home depot the other day was hurtful and rude to me when I was trying to get help to find a quart of paint then I asked her if it came out in white or if I needed to add color to get it that way and she said, nah it will come out white. Well that was wrong it comes out clear with no color added so I will have to make a return trip to the store. Did she stop to think that I had to muscle up courage to walk into that store to buy a quart of white paint to get my daughter's hope chest painted so I could put her special things in it? You just never know who you are helping and talking to and what they have been thru or maybe what they are about to go thru in life. We take life's simpleness for granted and never think of the unknown. You never know the person you could hold open the door for and smile nicely at in a resturant might die on the ride home from there and your smile is the last thing they might remember seeing. You just don't really know your impact on people or situations and you might never know. You might be talking loudly about your love for children at dinner and a man at the bar might go home to his wife and decide that he is ready to start a family because he saw your beautiful family eating together. You alter history and life just by living. Life is so precious in each turn and moment. You don't know what tomorrow will bring or the next hour. You might be getting a phone call of goodwill or your home may burn to the ground in the next hour life just has turns and twists you never leave your home in the morning and think I better take one last look at it because it will be gone when I get back. So much deep thoughts that run thru your head with life experiances making you richer in some ways I guess a better word might be enlightened. Like a different lightbulb turning on in your head shining light on a new way of thinking, feeling and living. I love you Delanie thank you for teaching me so much in so little time but I know your lessons aren't done even though you are gone. I will never know all that you have done but I will smile at the thought of it.
I have been doing so well but tonight things just seem harder I think cause John is gone and mother's day is tomorrow. I know John will be here soon around midnight. Tomorrow I know will be okay. I can't keep myself out of her things. I have been in her room alot of the night. Dustin and I sat in there and I read him a child grief book that was actually very good and hit home very hard and it really helped him and then he wanted to talk about her more and then he wanted to look into her things and see her pictures. We went thru them all together and he said so many "right" and sweet things. Sometimes he amazes me and I swear there are angels whispering in his ears telling him what to say. I was going thru her little folder of pictures that I recieved today and staring at them thinking how beautiful and wonderful she was and I just wish I could see her again and touch her skin. I wish she was in my arms again even just for a minute. I wish I could kiss her face again. Tonight is so hard and the pain seems to come in rushes. Hopefully soon when John gets here it will ease and I can focus on him and how much I have missed him and touch his face and hold him for a little while. I just wish tonight was over already....I wish her pictures that I am going thru would be different I wish they would be of a happy delivery instead of a sad one. I feel like I just want to write a different story with a different result and a happy ending.
Been thinking all day as we have spent 98% of it at home today because this morning Dustin got sick again but again has been okay all day again? Oh well I did run to target to get him some Children's Imodium so I think that is what finally did the trick. Poor little guy hope we don't lose any weight but he is pretty solid on his weight now so it doesn't worry me like the past. I also met with the wonderful lady that handles most of the infant loss stuff at the hospital she was bringing me my pictures of Delanie. I only got two back because something happened to the film so that was sad but I know I need to be ever thankful for what I receive there are people out there that don't even get pictures. I was happy with one of the shots that they got. The other shot was of her big feet that made me smile. But then I thought looking at her how she was inside me and I had always wondered what she would look like. I wish I could stare at her little face alive so I could see her features better. I am still thankful I try to think positively that I got to carry her that long. That all my pregnancy issues have been diagnosed and are all treatable and there is a wonderful plan laid out. I know I have it much better then others. I have a son who is a complete miracle that really isn't supposed to be here and is. My little 1 pound 5 oz miracle that is singing in his underware acting like he is talking to his daddy on the phone. And he is so perfect. I have heard horrid stories of women's babies dieing and then the mother's having to get a hysterectomy. At least I have another shot and a wonderful husband. At least I am not single. I try my hardest to think positively so that the negative doesn't change me doesn't take me down all the time. That is how I got thru Dustin's birth and time in the NICU. I counted my blessings each day. I counted each hour he was alive. I think about that. How bad I thought I had it then and I know it was bad but how I would love to be visiting a baby in the NICU verses a baby in a urn and looking at pictures and holding onto blankets trying to just get a piece of her closer to you. I swear I feel bad for any time I have ever complained about aches pains or suffering because this is true suffering. Course I was always thankful for each day I was pregnant and for the chance to be pregnant. But I think it somewhat changed again to a closer view of being more grateful then even before. Tomorrow is Mother's Day I won't know how I will feel until I get there. Just like everything else in this whole process of losing a child. You just really don't know what will be a trigger or how you will react in anything until you are in the exact moment. I am wanting to be with my mother in law I really realized how much she loves me and my family and that I know she would sacrafice anything to protect us. She is the most unselfish person I think I have ever met in my life. I hope we have a good day tomorrow. I did make a pie with Dustin for tomorrow hopefully it came out good for us all to enjoy. I find myself happily cooking alot more. I just want to cherish and take care of the family that I do have. Still forever missing the family that i have lost. Dreaming has still been hard lately I have no idea why they have become so vivid and real but I wish they weren't. Hopefully with time they get better too. John will be home tonight thankfully. He has been gone on a fishing trip for work since Thursday and I am very lonely. The house seems so much bigger when he is gone. It has just been me and Dustin and I think we are both a little lonely. But tonight daddy will be back where he belongs right beside us keeping us safe and loved. Tomorrow I will wake up to both my boys and make them breakfast and watch them tease each other laughing and joking. I will laugh with them but my mind will still wonder off from time to time while watching wishing that there was a missing face with them, a missing laugh, a missing heart beating. I will still be forever missing her and that isn't going to change. I just hope my grandmother is holding her little name sake and enjoying her on mother's day for me <3
Got this from one of my grief boards and changed and did it more to me. I figure this might help some of my family deal with me a little more easier. I know some it does not pertain to friends as I am still not talking to many people but I thought this would help for the future and the family that I am talking to and some friends.
What Helps:
Acknowledge my child always because she did exist and was very real and wonderful don't avoid talking about her it doesn't hurt me it helps. It's when you act like she was never there that I get upset.
Treat me as you did before. Laugh and joke with me because that part of me has not changed.
Ask to see my child's picture(s) if I am not ready to show them to you I won't.
Let me cry and be depressed on certain days
Rather than saying, "Call me if you need me," make an effort to call me. If I don't feel like talking, please call back later or don't get upset if I don't answer.
Do something to help me get through the day -- ask me to lunch, shopping, or go for a walk with me. Understand though when I say no thank you because some days are just harder and sometimes I do want to be alone. This is a rollercoaster ride of emotions that can change from one minute to the next.
Listen.
What's Not Helpful:
Avoiding me
Not calling because you don't know what to say. Ignoring me not taking time for me when I need some time the most. Taking just one day for me would be nice. (directed to someone)
Changing the subject when I bring up my lost child.
Telling me that this is just nature's/God's way or everything happens for a reason. Or something must have been wrong with her, no nothing was wrong she was perfect it just happened I have accepted that.
Asking me How are you? Do you really want to know?
Comparing my loss to the stress you're having with something mundane. Then complaining about it infront of me.
Telling me that it's better that this happened now than later.
Hiding things from me because you think they will bother me. I am a big girl I have been thru the worst of life. Or just ask me I will let you know.
Don't Assume:
Anything really just ask me!
Because I will return to work or seem to have go back to my old routine that I am "over it." I will never be over it there is a hole in my heart there forever.
That I do not want to talk about my child, after all, they are my child.
Woke up this morning around 4 am to a sick little boy Dustin must have a stomach bug or ate something bad who knows. He had a little bit of tummy troubles yesterday but still went to school and did fine all day. Then around 4 am he is running to the bathroom poor guy.
We stayed up getting sick until around 5:30 am then he came and cuddled in bed with me since daddy is gone right now. We slept until around 7:00 am a little after and then he was going to the bathroom a few more times I feel so badly for him. I got up and washed up and washed him up and then made him some dinosaur toast with butter and jelly (to get him to eat) and some juice he did eat it all and we will see how it goes staying in. So I know it's bad that my child is sick and I don't want him to be at all not one bit but I am glad he is home with me today and I can cuddle and love on him when today is May 6th 2011, Delanie was born April 6th 2011. Wow one month it has been since she has been gone. Since our dreams were shattered. I wish I could go back to the blissful glowing feeling of being pregnant and feeling my baby move around in my belly the fillings of all the sweetness of a little girl wearing little pink cloths and going into her room and picking out outfits and playing with everything and trying to picture her in the room with the crib and saying to yourself I can't believe this is my life and this is actually happening. Its a feeling like winning the lottery and buying your heart out and then them taking it away from you well really even worse then that. It's a dream bubble that gets popped. I miss her so much and wish I was holding her everyday. Not to say that it's hard all day. There are easy times there are times when you laugh and smile with friends at lunch there are times where you can dream of something other then your daughter at night and not wake up crying at the pain of losing her again in your dreams. I just got to bounce like stepping stones to those times to get thru life. I know I am lucky I know I need to count my blessings there are women who are single that do this alone. I have my husband I have his strong faithful ever loyal love. We have a understanding of each other in every way I know some don't have that. I have a son who is 8 years old who against all odds is here with me today. I know god is there because of him. I know he is a miracle and I am thankful for him. Then you have Delanie who should have made it and didn't, it's a horrid twist. I know god didn't take her I don't believe god kills or takes anyone. I think something happened and he got her out before any pain came. I don't know the results of why she died yet. I will know those on the 16th but I know from being a mother baby nurse and being in this field that many many many times there is just no answer. And I know that yes it could happen again because there is no reason people see but we can't see in the uterus we can't see into her world. She could have simply sat on her cord or something else so simple. But no matter what she was worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat even with the same outcome. Those 8 months I carried her were hard but the happiest times I have had in a long time. I got to experiance so much more in pregnancy then I ever have before. So I am thankful for that and always will be.
My little angel has had her wings for 4 long weeks now. Sometimes it feels like it has been longer sometimes it feels shorter. I miss her dearly no matter what and think of her constantly and always. I always want to do something for her not knowing all that I will be able to do yet and exactly what. As some of you followers know tomorrow was going to be our BIG results appointment with the specialist to get the results of mine and Delanie' s blood work and her placenta and cord results but we have changed the date because John is going out of town this weekend for a fishing tournament and it would be hard on him to leave and also hard on me to be alone after we go to the appointment so we switched the date to the week when he is on vacation so that he can be with me and I can be with him and we will have time to help each other thru whatever we may face. Still not sure about how I will feel about the results not sure if I want a answer or if I don't? Very odd feelings there. The appointment will now be on the 16th. My pictures from the hospital are also ready the unit coordinator who handles everything called me yesterday and sadly they only received two pictures back. I don't remember the nurse taking a whole lot of them but we were taking alot with our own camera too. No matter what we will be thankful for the kind care we received and all of our after birth wishes were granted and done completely. We are happy for those two pictures they are two more that we wouldn't have had and I hope they just came out very well. Please lord just let them be pretty let them show what we saw in person because these camera's can be evil. Our camera is a high quality camera but some of the shots she came out dark in color and she wasn't that way in person she had beautiful skin but the camera can be evil like I said. Hopefully and praying that it will be okay. Fingers crossed.
