Hmm..

Trying to procrastinate and put off doing what I need to do in Delanie's room but I know sometime I have to do it.  I need to put cloths away and white items and put sheets over the furniture.  I keep making excuses on why I can't or shouldn't do it but I will regret it later if I don't and something happens to the items.  Time is still in that room and when I go in there I can imagine it just as that....still.  I know the putting away the room will move forward.  I always think of it as putting the dream to sleep just for awhile.  Then it will feel so good to remove the sheets and wash the clothes and put them in the little drawers and play in that room once again.  I think today won't be that day though.  Just doesn't feel just right.  Might do a little but not to much.  I just want to linger a little longer and enjoy the still of the room.  I have been cleaning all day just staying busy.  Might have some friends come over in a little while and see if they want to have lunch.  Keep everything busy.  So much stressful times are going on.  Sometimes I hate being a "grown up".  I finally talked to the HR lady at work yesterday after weeks of her not returning my phone calls.  I will have to pay back about 2200 dollars of my benefits money that was not being taken out of my paychecks when I was off work for Delanie's pregnancy.  I want to get it paid off as soon as possible cause like the other bills of her birth it is a hurtful reminder.  I have to pay the price and not get the reward which just plain...sucks.  No other way to really express it.  But nonetheless John and I always make it thru anything.  No matter what is thrown at us we will hold on tight and get thru it we always do.  Stressful times come and go there is always someone else that is worse off.  Count your small blessings to get thru the day and face the sun and make your bed and be thankful god gave you air to breath today. 

akward?

This week has not been difficult per say but maybe more akward.  I have been thinking about the blog alot too and so sorry all my posts seem to be Delanie directed and on a sad note.  I just write what I feel alot and that is still so heavy on my mind.  Just remember that these are my thoughts my outlet in a way and a journal of sorts for now that I just welcome you into.  I also want to start posting about everyday life and Dustin and family.  I am really hoping this blog cheers up with better tomorrows soon.  People always comment to me about my blogs saying they like the writing but to tell you the truth I never pay attention to the writing.  I write what I feel and I never re read the blog once I hit post.  So I really forget what I post most of the times.  Now back to this week!  Work has been harder on the body just getting myself up to my old stamina.  After being in bed for 15 weeks on strict bedrest never cheating at all.  Then to top it off having a repeat c-section to deliver Delanie.  My body has just been put thru alot.  But I do think it is recovering nicely and it hasn't failed me just been a little tired and sore more then I would have been in the past.  I figure the more I work the less that will feel.  Emotionally work has been good not to bad.  I love talking to my friends at work about Delanie and they are all handling it well with me.  Alot of people ask to see her pictures and I show them.  I wish I had more to show them.  But again being in the moment of holding your daughter in your arms for the first in last time in life you never think of the pictures or items you would like to do before you say goodbye.  You never can really grasp that what you get is it and that is all.  Some co-workers I am still seeing for the first time and that is always nice to see them again.  Some don't know I have lost Delanie and are surprised and shocked of course.  I have so many cases of patients asking me how many children I have and I never really know what to say to that question.  I just judge it by the moment and by the patient or person asking.  I wish that question didn't have to be so hard to answer you would think by saying that question out loud it would never be hard to answer.  But truly it haunts me.  And you can't blame them.  I think of the times before I was entered into the new world of grief that I asked a person that.  I never recieved a bad answer or shocking one but I wonder if that was because like me to some of my patients they were trying to protect me from shame or embarassment.  I have started many new projects that I will later discuss on the blog and I hope everyone gets excited for them too.  I hope life will be uplifting from here.  I hope most of our sadness is behind us and that our family experiances happiness for the next years.  We have been thru so much but we are still very blessed. I hope that some of the hurt starts to feel better as the everyday reminders that there should be a 4th to your family.  That everytime we sit down at a resturant there is a empty chair for our small family of three.  I know we are still blessed that we at least have Dustin because I know there are others that have not been blessed to carry to children and would even love to have carried a angel as sweet as Delanie.  I know many people who would sign up for that right away.  But it still hurts when it is happening to you and your weak heart.  The other day we were eating and I saw one of Delanie's dresses on a older littler girl about 2.  She looked so sweet in it and kept pulling it up and showing her angry mom her belly.  I tried to remember Delanie's belly and thought about the mother sitting there with the angry look on her face.  Knowing in my heart I would love to be in her spot kissing and blowing rasberries on her little belly and soaking up every minute of her laughter and smell and warmth.  But you can't blame the mother she doesn't know what a precious gift she has there.  You get caught up in everyday life and exhaustion of being a mother and forget about the small blessings that you have everyday until they are taken away from you or not given at all.  I am happy she doesn't know that pain.  Then I wondered looking around the resturant how many other women or men might be watching thinking the same thing or a different thing depending on their story.  No one knew I was sitting there thinking that and I am just one person.  There were about 100 there so there had to be someone else watching and thinking or wishing something simular.  Grief families it's like a whole new world of people seeing things with special powers that others do not and are blind to because they have not seen the massive grief of holding their child for the last time.  In some ways a blessing to see this world different for its true colors but in some other ways you would rather be blissfully ignorant and complaining about trivial things in life.  Like fighting with your husband over who changes the next diaper.  I think me and John would both be huddled over loving that job right now.  I can think of many others as well in my head as I think of them often, mothers and fathers of loss that I have spoken with and shared with.   So many and to many in this world. 

life experainces...

So today I was back in couplet care taking care of the mother and babies and a few gyn patients.  I had one mother without giving names that had given birth to a 23 weeker that was holding strong.  I consoled her and loved on her all day trying to reassure her with my previous experiance with Dustin being a micro-preemie as her daughter is and all the up's and down's of the experiance and things to expect and what nots.  Long in depth conversations and pep talks took place all day.  Then the baby started doing very poorly and she wanted to talk about death of a baby and I shared with her my experaince on that hand as well but didn't go into strong details.  I just informed her about life after the loss of a baby and that she would be stronger in many ways but never the same and the emotions that came with that experiance as well.  Luckily yes the baby pulled thru and ended up doing much better by that evening thank goodness.  I just looked at my patient as she was sleeping and prayed that at her young age she wouldn't feel the pain of loss like I had.  I knew how much she would be going thru with just a preemie and to add a loss would be horrible for someone at such a young age.  I just never wish this pain on anyone preemie and a neonate death.  Both are painful but make you so much stronger after going thru them.  I remember the pain of watching Dustin suffer and the roller coaster ride of his up's and down's.  I know he taught me so much and I learned so much about appreication.  I remember celebrating milestone other' s would quickly take for granted.  I remember crying standing there in his little room when I heard his first cry at almost 3 months old.  I remember the wonderful feeling of hearing the raspy soft cry and how blessed I was to hear it.  I remember the feeling of each pound mark.  I remember when he first opened his eyes after a few days of them being fused shut still.  There are so many wonderful milestones each seeming to feel better then the next.  I in a way always felt so priviledged to be invited to watch my child grow from the outside.  I thought I had learned the hardest lesson in life from my child.  But I really think my next child taught me even more.  I keep learning all these hard life experainces thru my children both of the experainces difficult.  Not beleiving I got both of them in life.  We have been thru so much and I never really realized that I guess looking from the inside of the storm you don't realize how bad it looks or seems from the outside.  I just can't beleive how hard we have had to work for our children with one barely surviving and one that was lost.  If I told people the story of my children people would prolly think Dustin would have been the one to be lost because of him being only a pound and so early.  But it was the bigger stronger in gestation wise child that lost her life.  Life is so weird at times and my mind seems to be racing about it tonight.  Wondering in all directions about the cruel fate and twists and turns of life.  I am not per say HAPPY about the life lessons we have been dealt but I do feel wiser from them.  I do feel like I can bring alot to the table to help others.  I do feel like I am different then normal people.  I do feel I don't see the world as others anymore.  Almost like a special power to feel things for as they are and not what they seem?  I am almost scared to see what else life will have in store for me child wise.  Hopefully my lessons are done and god will lead me to my first blissful experaince.  I really hope so.  I don't want to put my family thru anymore hurt or pain.  I really want everyone to be happy and I really want Dustin to not tell me he is lonely anymore or ask the question why everyone else has a brother or sister except him.   Let's go for a little less wiser lord and go for the blissfully naive please!  I wish I never knew all this existed but in a way glad for others that I do so that I can help them.  Oh lord what do you have in store for me....

My baby's room

Spent some time in her room this evening took some pictures of her room.  It's really peaceful in there and I find myself there often.  I will start packing some items in the pink rubbermaid tub up in time.  Just to keep them clean.  Put sheets over the furniture.  I feel like I am putting the room to sleep for a while.  Like I am tucking it in for bed.  

Her sweet room

All Her stuff pretty much stored in the closet now

Dustin's big brother book we bought him

Her Diapers I had put out a couple days before

Sign in sheet from the shower I left it up

Empty crib now but not forever

 

Monday

Father's day went good we kept as busy as possible to help.  John misses his daughter I know that all to well.  I hope as each holiday and event happens it doesn't always hurt as bad.  I got put oncall today I was suppose to work but it is nice to relax for a day and be with Dustin.  I am thinking on Delanie's room and I really need to do some things in there.  I have been putting it off because I just want it to stay as it was, waiting for our daughter.  But the room will have to keep waiting for longer so I need to help put away things just clothes and white colored items to help from them not getting dust on them.  I think I will take pictures of the room.  I don't think I have put actual room pictures on here.  I will try to do that later today.

Fathers day

Tired and worn from work today and just working around the house too.  Body is sore and sleep is so needed for my weary mind.  I know tomorrow is father's day I don't think it is bothering John to much I hope he just focuses on Dustin and his father and mine.  I hope that tomorrow runs smoothly and everyone has a good and blessed day.  I am praying he has a good day because he so deserves it.  I couldn't ever think of a more wonderful father and and I feel blessed that I made him one.  Who would have ever thought crazy John (in his younger days) would be the wonderful man he is today.  He is a wonderful father to both our children.  I still picture his face smiling with Delanie in his arms rocking her gently back and forth with ease.  He was so comfortable with her like she was just part of him.  Which I know she is.  But just the sheer comfort in his face and body language.  Then I picture him holding his sweet son and I remember him changing and bathing this tiny little 1 pound baby with some fear but love in his face.  I am always searching his face for all his emotions in all the events in our lives.  I always seem to remember it like small photos stuck forever in my brain and heart.  One huge blessing to remember tonight is I have a wonderful healthy husband who loves me and our children dearly and would do anything for us.  I know not everyone has a husband like mine or maybe no husband at all or lover or partner in life.  For that I am greatful and I know I am blessed and I wish that blessing for everyone in life.  That they have someone to walk thru life with.  Someone they deserve and will make them happy.  That is my wish tonight and John is my thankful blessing of the night =)  There is so much to blog about that is going on and I will further update at a later time on some exciting things going on in this house =)

Answer...

So now that I am back amongst the "real" world and working and doing things.  There is one question I am haggled with a lot that people meeting me or that I am taking care of in the hospital ask...How many children do you have?  My heart breaks when I hear it because I am coming up with a action plan on how to handle the situation right then and there.  Most of the time it is my patients that ask the question.  So I am stuck with telling them 2 and then them further asking how old they are and what their names are.  Or I tell them one and give them Dustin's information after so that they don't feel badly when I tell them one of them is not with me anymore.  I don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel bad that my daughter is a angel.  So hard place to be in.  But you don't want to betray in a way or want anyone to forget you have a daughter too.  I think I will just have to take a feel on every situation and judge them each.  As far as patients especially right now with them all being in my "birth" month as Delanies.  I never want to cause them anxiety or fear for their own child.  I want them to stay in the bubble that the world is perfect and nothing can happen to their baby.  I remind my self that this day which ever day I am working is about them and their baby and their special experiance and I try to make it the best for them and telling them the truth about my baby might ruin that.  So I have been nodding and saying causally I have a little boy playing video games right now or something to that nature kind of not truly answering the question but skirting around it so that I am not lieing about my daughter.  I try just not to answer with a number but a cute or funny line about Dustin.  I wish everyone in this world could stay in the blissful bubble and never be touched by loss or grief.  I wish only the best even for my worst enemy I would wish them the bubble of bliss. 

Hard day

There is no reason why and no warning to a hard day emotionally at times.  Just today really sucks.  Yesterday was no pie either so I am guessing it is just a build up of events and the whole returning back to work.  I know it is for the best for me to be back there and happy to have my friends back and life is better with them in it.  But no matter where no matter what it is a task is still a task.  Sometimes I think grief is like walking around carring a extra hundred pounds on your back and it is exhausting getting thru things.  Now don't get me wrong it isn't always so hard and there are many good times and there are times that are easier to breath then others but then there are times and days where you fake smile a little more and trying to come up with small talk takes a little more out of you.  No I don't need anyone to call me right now and no there is nothing anyone can do.  It is just a wave that needs to pass like all the others.  I am angry and tired and the battle is never going to have a end just peace inbetween blows.  I think alot of it is also father's day coming up.  It hurts just like mother's day because all the hopes and dreams I had for John finally being able to experiance being a father to a adorable little girl.  Which yes I know he is one to a adorable angel but one that he could hold hands and love on Father's day.  One I would make a little foot imprint on his card for her signature.  Life just sucks today my friend that is the only way I can truly sum it up....

Make the bed

For some of you that know me I always say sometimes that it is a make the bed kind of day.  So what does that exactly mean?  I make the bed and try to stay out of it on those hard days.  They can come out of no where and take you down fast and if you climb into bed it will be worse even though you think it will make it better.  Take a deep breath and make your bed because you are less likely to climb back in it.  Don't give up this day to your bed.  Give it to the sun as I say sometimes facing the sun.  All my little sayings make since in my head and in my healing so they might sound wacky to you reading them but they all are for a reason.  Just thought I would clue everyone in on my madness!  And it is one of those days not sure why but life seems harder today but I know it could pass in the next hour to be totally fine just got to remember to keep breathing and keep living and striving for the better.  So make those beds and face the sun today you will make it....

Poor Baby

Sometimes I never post things that go on throughout the day that bother me or just maybe noted in my brain.  Today Dustin and I were cuddling in bed because I have just been so tired all day.  Dustin looked at me and said mom when am I going to not be lonely anymore....(heart silently breaking) I said Dustin what do you mean mommy and daddy are here.  ( I knew what he meant) He said its not fair that he just has cousins and no brother or sisters.  I told him how sorry I was and that mommy and daddy were trying but children born to us are special and hard to get.  I told him I am sorry Delanie had a accident and if she hadn't then he would have had one live sister.  I apologized over and over and told him how sorry we were and that mommy and daddy were not going to give up and we loved him and just sweet babies just like him were very hard to find and come by and god had to approve his birth because he was so special.  He smiled and we talked a bit more and then I got him interested in video games.  Times like that are hard but I know they are needed.  I will never turn down a question or concern of his and always want him to know that it's okay to talk to us about anything.  Either it being his sister or other subjects later in life.  I just love him so much and wish I could give him what he really wants and I know needs.  Poor kiddo xoxo  Will take him to the park and out and about tomorrow that will prolly help his mind.  Though tonight he seems fine and asked to help water the yard later.  =) 

Life...

Life seems to be so fast pasted this last week of returning back to work.  Work has been good and paced to keep the mind busy.  That is not to say there are not moments that take my breath away and make me think I need to push on through them.  I always do that before a hard task stop take a breath and then somewhat just jump for it.  Like with my c-section being scared and starting to get caught up in the energy of the surgical suite the anxiety started to creep up and you just take a hard swallow and just say go through it.  Just go through it, it will be over soon and needs to be done.  Just do it.  Everytime I make it out okay.  I have had some of those moments this week at work.  Hard swallows and deep breaths and fake smiles.  I think if they realized any pain I was in they might fall apart and then that would be worse for me because if I see anyone fall apart or have a hard time in front of me I automatically go into nurse and mommy mode and want to comfort them.  So I push on and give fake smiles when needed.  Don't get me wrong there are many moments where laughter is going on and joking and it is almost a relief to numb the pain for a while.  It's not a constant pain anymore but still comes in waves.  Like I said posts earlier time is like pain medication.  Numbs the pain but doesn't fix the source or cause of the pain.  Just helps you get thru the day and life.  That is me a chronic pain sufferer for life.  I will always yearn for something I will never have until my eyes close for the last time.  But the long wait for that will be worth it totally as she is.  Life seems to be moving so much faster now I feel like if I were to stand in one spot and watch I could watch it almost past by in a fast forward manner like some music video on MTV.  Crazy right?  We went to the ranch this weekend relaxed and played and went swimming it was really nice to get away from reality once again and pretend that things were perfect in this world.  To watch Dustin trying to swim to watch him and his dad hold hands and fight over food.  That is my paradise.  They are my world and I make sure that in the grief of things I know that I am blessed I know I have been given more then others still.  I know I am thankful for all my blessings even the daughter I lost.  I see other mothers who had still births at early gestations and think of all the things they lost out on.  I am thankful god gave me longer time with her to feel her grow and watch her grow and get to know her little feisty personality.  So I am lucky.  Hopefully life will slow a little more over the next few weeks hopefully the deep breaths and just go through its will get to be less frequent.  Hopefully I will have much more time to blog.  This weekend I just took off for me.  Just breathed just loved and just tried to live.  It was nice.  For those of you wondering this blog will keep continuing hopefully through happiness and more of life.  Hopefully one day we will be blessed again and this blog will be full of belly pictures and videos of beating hearts again.  Until then we will just breath and live life as a family of 3 with one angel watching and waiting =)

just keep swimming....

Work has been good.  Has its trials every now and then but overall good.  I missed my friends and missed my work and love for caring for patients and their babies.  None of those babies make me sad.  I am happy they are there.  None of them are mine and can't take away the pain or even make it feel better so that isn't a issue.  The baby I want is not there she is in heaven so there is no searching or aching when I see one.  It has been a pretty good week.  I am getting ready to head in for my third and last day for this week and will be off to recoop for the weekend with my loving family.  Really tired as sleep has not come easy for awhile now.  I have no idea why nightmares come in go in waves you can go so long without them and then BAM they hit you again.  So I am waiting for the next wave when they leave so hopefully I can rest a full night again.  Really exhausted!  I am sorry this is so short but wanted to post a quick update before heading out.  Thank you for praying for me everyone it must be working because I am not dieing inside like I thought I would be before.  I just think of this whole grief process as a long swim and you have to keep your head above water and it is a tiring task but one you must do.  Then Dori from the finding nemo pops in my head "just keep swimming"  in her little hum. LOL  So off I go to swim!

Due Date today

So the 40 week count down has ended.  I am kind of relieved this is the last "countdown" day?  I know it sounds weird but people who have been in the situation know what I mean.  When you are grieving seems like you are forever counting.  Its been 2 months since I gave birth to my forever angel.  You count each week saying oh I would be doing this or would be doing that or would look like this.  She would be 2-3 weeks old already because she was scheduled to be born May 19th via scheduled c-section.  That day I think was harder.  Today I think will be less.  It is just sad because again I feel like it is the ending of something.  Not sure what just feels that way.  I plan to stay busy and keep myself working on the house and playing with Dustin and being a good mother to him.  We had so much fun last night he is warn out this morning and still sleeping.  We played in the water for a few hours outside again he thought he was helping water....LOL  If he was a plant then that would surely be the case.  Then we came in and changed clothes showered and ate dinner.  We read books on the porch in Pj's for a little while then came in and cuddled.  Stayed pretty busy and sleep came easy.  This morning I awoke to a nightmare of something happening to Dustin he was getting bit by a snake I was trying to lift him up fast enough but wasn't strong enough.  The snake had scratched him he turned into a two year old again after the bite and I was running with him trying to scream for help over and over I kept saying please don't let anything happen to him he is all I have left.  I woke up then and realized I might have some fear for Dustin on some level.  Crazy how your mind plays tricks on you.  But I have always feared for him that is my job I am mom.  I have always known how special he is and how wanted and hard work he was.  I know he was a gift.  Now just to hold him and get thru today....

Look at my beautiful angels face a little longer....

Two months

I can't believe it has been 2 months since our worlds were forever changed.  It seems like it was so long ago in one hand since so much change has evolved in our lives from her loss.  Then on the other hand it seems like it was just yesterday that I was rubbing my belly and playing in her sweet room imagining rocking my baby by her window softly in the morning sun.  I still feel like it was just the other day I was going thru her stuff having the time of my life arranging socks and picking outfits for her first week of life.  I wish I could go back to those blissful moments just for a breif time for that light hearted feeling.  Now I hold this heavy heart saturated with tears and worrys and what if's.  I can't believe that right now she would just be leaving the room where we would have spent over 4 hours with her just loving her and holding her and kissing her sweet face and looking at her and realizing the crushing thought of all that we had planned for her stopped with the last beat of her precious little heart.  I even wish I could go back to that moment though it hurt more then any moment I have ever gone thru because she was in my arms as it happened.  But I know that is not something that is possible.  But yes I do know that one day I will get all my beautiful moments with my sweet Delanie I will hold her and rock her and feel her warmth and watch her eyes open with life.  I know this will happen.  Until then I will live for her and breath for her and hope that I make her proud.  I will share her story and talk about her and whisper her name each morning and each night telling her good morning and goodnight my angel.  I will keep her alive.  I won't forget her.  I will love her always.  I will stare at her beautiful pictures and change her flowers weekly and tend to her garden and sit in her room.  I will heal.  I am happy to show everyone her sweet face I am happy everyone can see that she was real and she was sweet and beautiful and yes she looked everything like her father and brother and yes I only got a pinky toe in the deal....But she makes me smile.  She makes my heart and mind open in ways it never has before and for that I am grateful.  I will never know all that she has changed in this world with her small presence.  But I will beleive it. Happy 2 months my sweet faced angel.  Mommy and Daddy and brother love you...

Back to work.....

First off I could not sleep the whole night just those first day of school type jitters type feeling.  I ended up finally falling asleep sometime between 1-2 am and woke up at my normal 5am and was out the door by 530 am.  I had weird dreams all night some about Delanie then some others about not waking up to my alarm clock and going to work later in the day.  Very strange.  I got to work and everyone was happy to see me.  You could see some people through out the day nervous shifting around and having a hard time holding a conversation.  I could see in their minds that they had questions or feelings that they were holding back.  I know they are sorry for our loss.  I know if effects many people other then those that are closest.  I brought pictures that are loaded to my phone for everyone at work to see.  I only showed the closest people yesterday but they were not afraid to ask as we are close and they know it is okay.  Others I am sure are a little afraid to ask such a bold question it seems.  But I love Delanie and I love her little face and its such a treasure to have.  The work part was good.  Feels good to nurture and take care of people.  I started off slow as my boss put me on orientation for one week to help me ease back into nursing on the floor.  I had three patients.  A couplet (mother and baby) and then a c-section mother that's baby was in the NICU.  The babies did not bother me I was not exactly sad all day but the thought of these people all being in my birth club and I was holding their babies and caring for them when I should have been joining them and needing to be cared for was hard.  I looked at the sweet baby I had and cared for her deeply just because she was sweet and innocent but part of the graduating class persay of Delanie.  I looked at her and thought she was doing the same things Delanie was at the same time like growing arms, starting her little heartbeat,able to tell the sex of her, and moving for the first time.  I was sad only because Delanie would not be going on to the next chapter of life with her so called graduating baby class.  But was very happy for the ones that did.  I will never feel ill will towards those who fought and survive to be here no matter who they belong too.  I don't think there is a reason or plan in babies being lost.  I think it just happens and then god swoops in to help take them before pain has started or they are scared.  I think having a baby is a chance at life that is all you are given, is a chance.  It is a chance worth taking.  And yes bad things horrible things can happen with that chance as we have discovered.  But then wonderful things can happen to as we have also discovered.  I know life may seem like it has been cruel to us and harder then others.  I know we have had a lot thrown at us as me and John were sitting on the porch talking about.  But I am not done fighting for my babies.  I know it is harder road for us then others but I know the warmth and goodness at the end of the road thanks to Dustin and Delanie.  I know that whatever life throws at me I can take it.  I know all the pain and suffering is worth it in the end for the simple things in life such as making pancakes for a smiley boy that looks at you like you are the best mom in the world.  I know it is worth it.  So life all I can say is bring it on because I will not give up because I know my babies are worth it.  They are a special breed of angels that pay off with hard work and deep love. 

Delanie Faye (picture)

We are finally ready to share Delanie with the world at least one picture of her.  This is a edited airbrushed picture of her skin.  She had wonderful skin but yes there were some color blemishes from the loss of oxygen.  We love her though and think she is perfect and miss her dearly.  Please we ask that there is no sharing or copying of the picture and that feature has been disabled in order to protect our precious angels picture. 

Delanie Faye Denton

April 6th 2011 @ 1842

31 weeks 1 day

Our sleeping beauty

Mixed Emotions

Excited and nervous about tomorrow I miss my friends at work and am eager to get back into the swing of life.  But in some ways you almost feel like your grieving time has come to a end.  Which I know it hasn't but in some ways this maternity leave was still her time and it's done.  Weird I know.  I know that it's never done but in ways it's the end of this chapter but still on to the next.  Today I am torn between wanting to leave the house and do things and wanting to cuddle up and read a book or wanting to get things done around the house?  I don't really know which direction to go.  I know I don't want to be alone but John is having to go do a few things today then we will be together again.  I guess just sit back and let the day take me where it will.  Hopefully Dustin has a good day his lungs have really been acting up lately making me a nervous mommy.  He has never been this reactive lung wise.  I mean yes I know he has had Chronic lung Disease since he was a newborn but this is different lately and it is making me on edge again like when he was really small.  Hopefully this new cocktail of lung medications will fix him up.  He is having a small non productive cough which I am hoping is not a side effect from one of these new medications and it is due to the pollen in the air.  Still trying to pay attention and figure that out.  Fingers crossed he stays okay and these medications work better for him.  

 

Need to catch up!

My week has been hectic!  I go back to work Sunday and it is that time of year for alot of Dustin's yearly check up' s with all his specialist.  So I will break it down by day!

Monday (memorial day) We did a lot of cleaning and trying to get the house a little more organized.  We cleaned Dustin's room with team work (Dustin and I) while daddy was at work.  We organized it and got rid of some little boy things to make room for BIG boy things.  He was a really big help and I was really proud of him for getting rid of a lot of toys and items that were to small for him.  We are taking them to goodwill later today.  Fun thing Monday we got to meet Daddy for lunch and we got mommy a new phone!  My phone has been shutting off by itself lately and just been crappy it is over 2 years old though.  We switched services from Sprint to AT&T they had a better value and got a iPhone super cheap and a discounted plan through my work.  Awesome =)

Tuesday Dustin and I went to the library and signed up for their summer reading program and got some books to study and work on.  Then we went to the park and for those of you that have my facebook you know I went on a rant about some bad mannered children there on a field trip!  I actually contacted the school after I got back home because YES they were that ill mannered and no supervision whatsoever.  We looked for a long time Dustin and I to find a teacher and NEVER saw one once.  Crazy right?  Then Aunt Kimmy came for lunch and we went to the tea room in Gruene it was awesome as always.  Then we took Dustin to the cupcakery in Gruene and Dustin split a cupcake with mommy =0)  Then we came back to the house and played and relaxed from the hot weather!

Wed- This day was hard on my grief wise and I didn't expect it to be.  Again grief has no handbook or manual and the things you think will bother you don't and the ones that do hit you from left field out of no where at times.  Most of the time it is simple things.  HARD DAY.  Dustin had a cardiology appointment as he does every year in May-June time.  His appointment went great of course and everything came out PERFECT for him.  But during his echo I had a moment as I saw the doctor preform the echo which is a sonogram of the heart I looked at the beating heart pumping away on the screen and realized the last time I saw this type of screen the heart was my daughters and it was not pumping...it was a still empty pear shaped orb with no life to it.  I saw it a few times through out that horrible day.  I remember willing it to just start beating again and I swore to myself if I saw it just blink one time I would find the nearest sharp object and cut her out of my belly myself and start NRP (newborn CPR) on her right away bleeding out or not.  But that heroing moment would not happen.  I looked down on my son on the other hand and thanked god his heart was so strong and counted that blessing.  Looked at him the baby who was not supposed to survive the little one pound baby who had his first surgery at less then a week old and listened to the sound of his heart and closed my eyes and thanked god once more.  I miss Delanie but I am also thankful for my blessings at the same time.  It's a hard thing to be sometimes.  Then the evening time was all about my niece Emerald she graduated from highschool and we had to go to her graduation which Dustin was excited about.  In front of us was a group of people cheering for their graduate and of course what would her name be?  Delanie.....Then I looked onto the stage and realized my Delanie's name would never be called onto that stage and I would never have that moment with her.  One of many that were stolen from us.  Shook my head and then again took a moment to count my many blessings that I had a niece healthy and walking across that stage with her beautiful smile on her face.  She is such a beauty and such a creative wonderful blessing.  I have 4 more nieces to watch take that walk and a wonderful son.  Count your blessings Holly or you will drown.  

Thursday Woke up and got dressed cleaned house and then drove to my work to meet with my boss about going back to work and just coming up with a clear plan of when and what I would be doing and also to get my passwords redone.  It was nice to be back at work with my work family and seeing familar loving faces.  It got me excited to come back and almost not wanting to leave.  But we had to because Dustin had another appointment with his eye doctor after.  We also wanted to meet his grandparents for lunch.  We went to the eye doctor and waited for so long.  He had to get his eyes dilated even though I feel bad because he has to go to a retinologist later this month and will have to be dilated again for him.  Dustin's left eye which he has had more trouble with in life.  That is the eye with scar tissue and cornea issues.  It is also weaker in muscle control so now we will have to be doing exersizes with Dustin thru out the day to help.  When it loses control it is right at reading distance (about 12 inches from face) so that may be why he is having reading trouble in school. It is really obvious and I don't know why I haven't noticed it before.  The doctor would have Dustin focus on a object and bring it forward to his face slowly with him focused and about 12 inch range his left eye would shoot to the side.  Poor kid can't he get a break.  Again counted my blessings because it could have been worse he was almost blind with ROP until yet again another surgery saved him.  So blessings count them don't drown!

Friday still to be determined.....lol