Wednesday, June 22, 2011

life experainces...

So today I was back in couplet care taking care of the mother and babies and a few gyn patients.  I had one mother without giving names that had given birth to a 23 weeker that was holding strong.  I consoled her and loved on her all day trying to reassure her with my previous experiance with Dustin being a micro-preemie as her daughter is and all the up's and down's of the experiance and things to expect and what nots.  Long in depth conversations and pep talks took place all day.  Then the baby started doing very poorly and she wanted to talk about death of a baby and I shared with her my experaince on that hand as well but didn't go into strong details.  I just informed her about life after the loss of a baby and that she would be stronger in many ways but never the same and the emotions that came with that experiance as well.  Luckily yes the baby pulled thru and ended up doing much better by that evening thank goodness.  I just looked at my patient as she was sleeping and prayed that at her young age she wouldn't feel the pain of loss like I had.  I knew how much she would be going thru with just a preemie and to add a loss would be horrible for someone at such a young age.  I just never wish this pain on anyone preemie and a neonate death.  Both are painful but make you so much stronger after going thru them.  I remember the pain of watching Dustin suffer and the roller coaster ride of his up's and down's.  I know he taught me so much and I learned so much about appreication.  I remember celebrating milestone other' s would quickly take for granted.  I remember crying standing there in his little room when I heard his first cry at almost 3 months old.  I remember the wonderful feeling of hearing the raspy soft cry and how blessed I was to hear it.  I remember the feeling of each pound mark.  I remember when he first opened his eyes after a few days of them being fused shut still.  There are so many wonderful milestones each seeming to feel better then the next.  I in a way always felt so priviledged to be invited to watch my child grow from the outside.  I thought I had learned the hardest lesson in life from my child.  But I really think my next child taught me even more.  I keep learning all these hard life experainces thru my children both of the experainces difficult.  Not beleiving I got both of them in life.  We have been thru so much and I never really realized that I guess looking from the inside of the storm you don't realize how bad it looks or seems from the outside.  I just can't beleive how hard we have had to work for our children with one barely surviving and one that was lost.  If I told people the story of my children people would prolly think Dustin would have been the one to be lost because of him being only a pound and so early.  But it was the bigger stronger in gestation wise child that lost her life.  Life is so weird at times and my mind seems to be racing about it tonight.  Wondering in all directions about the cruel fate and twists and turns of life.  I am not per say HAPPY about the life lessons we have been dealt but I do feel wiser from them.  I do feel like I can bring alot to the table to help others.  I do feel like I am different then normal people.  I do feel I don't see the world as others anymore.  Almost like a special power to feel things for as they are and not what they seem?  I am almost scared to see what else life will have in store for me child wise.  Hopefully my lessons are done and god will lead me to my first blissful experaince.  I really hope so.  I don't want to put my family thru anymore hurt or pain.  I really want everyone to be happy and I really want Dustin to not tell me he is lonely anymore or ask the question why everyone else has a brother or sister except him.   Let's go for a little less wiser lord and go for the blissfully naive please!  I wish I never knew all this existed but in a way glad for others that I do so that I can help them.  Oh lord what do you have in store for me....


  1. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11

  2. He has so much good in store. Claim it, and profess it. Love you Holly. In the midst of our pain He can use us still.