Back to work.....

First off I could not sleep the whole night just those first day of school type jitters type feeling.  I ended up finally falling asleep sometime between 1-2 am and woke up at my normal 5am and was out the door by 530 am.  I had weird dreams all night some about Delanie then some others about not waking up to my alarm clock and going to work later in the day.  Very strange.  I got to work and everyone was happy to see me.  You could see some people through out the day nervous shifting around and having a hard time holding a conversation.  I could see in their minds that they had questions or feelings that they were holding back.  I know they are sorry for our loss.  I know if effects many people other then those that are closest.  I brought pictures that are loaded to my phone for everyone at work to see.  I only showed the closest people yesterday but they were not afraid to ask as we are close and they know it is okay.  Others I am sure are a little afraid to ask such a bold question it seems.  But I love Delanie and I love her little face and its such a treasure to have.  The work part was good.  Feels good to nurture and take care of people.  I started off slow as my boss put me on orientation for one week to help me ease back into nursing on the floor.  I had three patients.  A couplet (mother and baby) and then a c-section mother that's baby was in the NICU.  The babies did not bother me I was not exactly sad all day but the thought of these people all being in my birth club and I was holding their babies and caring for them when I should have been joining them and needing to be cared for was hard.  I looked at the sweet baby I had and cared for her deeply just because she was sweet and innocent but part of the graduating class persay of Delanie.  I looked at her and thought she was doing the same things Delanie was at the same time like growing arms, starting her little heartbeat,able to tell the sex of her, and moving for the first time.  I was sad only because Delanie would not be going on to the next chapter of life with her so called graduating baby class.  But was very happy for the ones that did.  I will never feel ill will towards those who fought and survive to be here no matter who they belong too.  I don't think there is a reason or plan in babies being lost.  I think it just happens and then god swoops in to help take them before pain has started or they are scared.  I think having a baby is a chance at life that is all you are given, is a chance.  It is a chance worth taking.  And yes bad things horrible things can happen with that chance as we have discovered.  But then wonderful things can happen to as we have also discovered.  I know life may seem like it has been cruel to us and harder then others.  I know we have had a lot thrown at us as me and John were sitting on the porch talking about.  But I am not done fighting for my babies.  I know it is harder road for us then others but I know the warmth and goodness at the end of the road thanks to Dustin and Delanie.  I know that whatever life throws at me I can take it.  I know all the pain and suffering is worth it in the end for the simple things in life such as making pancakes for a smiley boy that looks at you like you are the best mom in the world.  I know it is worth it.  So life all I can say is bring it on because I will not give up because I know my babies are worth it.  They are a special breed of angels that pay off with hard work and deep love.