Monday, June 27, 2011
This week has not been difficult per say but maybe more akward. I have been thinking about the blog alot too and so sorry all my posts seem to be Delanie directed and on a sad note. I just write what I feel alot and that is still so heavy on my mind. Just remember that these are my thoughts my outlet in a way and a journal of sorts for now that I just welcome you into. I also want to start posting about everyday life and Dustin and family. I am really hoping this blog cheers up with better tomorrows soon. People always comment to me about my blogs saying they like the writing but to tell you the truth I never pay attention to the writing. I write what I feel and I never re read the blog once I hit post. So I really forget what I post most of the times. Now back to this week! Work has been harder on the body just getting myself up to my old stamina. After being in bed for 15 weeks on strict bedrest never cheating at all. Then to top it off having a repeat c-section to deliver Delanie. My body has just been put thru alot. But I do think it is recovering nicely and it hasn't failed me just been a little tired and sore more then I would have been in the past. I figure the more I work the less that will feel. Emotionally work has been good not to bad. I love talking to my friends at work about Delanie and they are all handling it well with me. Alot of people ask to see her pictures and I show them. I wish I had more to show them. But again being in the moment of holding your daughter in your arms for the first in last time in life you never think of the pictures or items you would like to do before you say goodbye. You never can really grasp that what you get is it and that is all. Some co-workers I am still seeing for the first time and that is always nice to see them again. Some don't know I have lost Delanie and are surprised and shocked of course. I have so many cases of patients asking me how many children I have and I never really know what to say to that question. I just judge it by the moment and by the patient or person asking. I wish that question didn't have to be so hard to answer you would think by saying that question out loud it would never be hard to answer. But truly it haunts me. And you can't blame them. I think of the times before I was entered into the new world of grief that I asked a person that. I never recieved a bad answer or shocking one but I wonder if that was because like me to some of my patients they were trying to protect me from shame or embarassment. I have started many new projects that I will later discuss on the blog and I hope everyone gets excited for them too. I hope life will be uplifting from here. I hope most of our sadness is behind us and that our family experiances happiness for the next years. We have been thru so much but we are still very blessed. I hope that some of the hurt starts to feel better as the everyday reminders that there should be a 4th to your family. That everytime we sit down at a resturant there is a empty chair for our small family of three. I know we are still blessed that we at least have Dustin because I know there are others that have not been blessed to carry to children and would even love to have carried a angel as sweet as Delanie. I know many people who would sign up for that right away. But it still hurts when it is happening to you and your weak heart. The other day we were eating and I saw one of Delanie's dresses on a older littler girl about 2. She looked so sweet in it and kept pulling it up and showing her angry mom her belly. I tried to remember Delanie's belly and thought about the mother sitting there with the angry look on her face. Knowing in my heart I would love to be in her spot kissing and blowing rasberries on her little belly and soaking up every minute of her laughter and smell and warmth. But you can't blame the mother she doesn't know what a precious gift she has there. You get caught up in everyday life and exhaustion of being a mother and forget about the small blessings that you have everyday until they are taken away from you or not given at all. I am happy she doesn't know that pain. Then I wondered looking around the resturant how many other women or men might be watching thinking the same thing or a different thing depending on their story. No one knew I was sitting there thinking that and I am just one person. There were about 100 there so there had to be someone else watching and thinking or wishing something simular. Grief families it's like a whole new world of people seeing things with special powers that others do not and are blind to because they have not seen the massive grief of holding their child for the last time. In some ways a blessing to see this world different for its true colors but in some other ways you would rather be blissfully ignorant and complaining about trivial things in life. Like fighting with your husband over who changes the next diaper. I think me and John would both be huddled over loving that job right now. I can think of many others as well in my head as I think of them often, mothers and fathers of loss that I have spoken with and shared with. So many and to many in this world.