Life...

Life seems to be so fast pasted this last week of returning back to work.  Work has been good and paced to keep the mind busy.  That is not to say there are not moments that take my breath away and make me think I need to push on through them.  I always do that before a hard task stop take a breath and then somewhat just jump for it.  Like with my c-section being scared and starting to get caught up in the energy of the surgical suite the anxiety started to creep up and you just take a hard swallow and just say go through it.  Just go through it, it will be over soon and needs to be done.  Just do it.  Everytime I make it out okay.  I have had some of those moments this week at work.  Hard swallows and deep breaths and fake smiles.  I think if they realized any pain I was in they might fall apart and then that would be worse for me because if I see anyone fall apart or have a hard time in front of me I automatically go into nurse and mommy mode and want to comfort them.  So I push on and give fake smiles when needed.  Don't get me wrong there are many moments where laughter is going on and joking and it is almost a relief to numb the pain for a while.  It's not a constant pain anymore but still comes in waves.  Like I said posts earlier time is like pain medication.  Numbs the pain but doesn't fix the source or cause of the pain.  Just helps you get thru the day and life.  That is me a chronic pain sufferer for life.  I will always yearn for something I will never have until my eyes close for the last time.  But the long wait for that will be worth it totally as she is.  Life seems to be moving so much faster now I feel like if I were to stand in one spot and watch I could watch it almost past by in a fast forward manner like some music video on MTV.  Crazy right?  We went to the ranch this weekend relaxed and played and went swimming it was really nice to get away from reality once again and pretend that things were perfect in this world.  To watch Dustin trying to swim to watch him and his dad hold hands and fight over food.  That is my paradise.  They are my world and I make sure that in the grief of things I know that I am blessed I know I have been given more then others still.  I know I am thankful for all my blessings even the daughter I lost.  I see other mothers who had still births at early gestations and think of all the things they lost out on.  I am thankful god gave me longer time with her to feel her grow and watch her grow and get to know her little feisty personality.  So I am lucky.  Hopefully life will slow a little more over the next few weeks hopefully the deep breaths and just go through its will get to be less frequent.  Hopefully I will have much more time to blog.  This weekend I just took off for me.  Just breathed just loved and just tried to live.  It was nice.  For those of you wondering this blog will keep continuing hopefully through happiness and more of life.  Hopefully one day we will be blessed again and this blog will be full of belly pictures and videos of beating hearts again.  Until then we will just breath and live life as a family of 3 with one angel watching and waiting =)