Friday, March 18, 2011

hard day

I am usually good I try to be upbeat but today I am really fighting it.  I just look out the window and wish I could be outside watering the yard or pulling out the slip n slide for the kids or cleaning the pool yes even to clean I would love to do it!  I feel like a bad mom because Dustin hasn't done anything really cool on springbreak I am hoping the teacher doesn't want to do some assignment on their springbreak vacation cause Dustin won't have much to write.  Course he is fine with it and understanding but sometimes that makes it harder on a parent when they are so good.  I just really want to go somewhere.  I think I will be in shock when I see the grocery store again or a target or walmart anywhere really.  I really want to go on a car ride somewhere at least but I am so scared to take any chances.  If something happens that would mean pain for Delanie that would mean IV's and possible a vent for her under developed lungs.  If I somehow did not do everything I could I know it would kill me to see her hurting when she would normally be safe and sound inside me.  I think having a child go thru it already makes it a better picture for me to see them suffering like that and you are there helpless.  You can't take the pain from them nor the spinal taps or IV's or surgeries.  You sleep comfortable while they struggle to breath.  I just can't do that.  But this sucks too so I guess I just needed to vent and whine just a little.  So sore from laying in bed so lonely from no one to talk to and John is always so busy maintaining the house and work and side jobs and feeding us I don't ever spend alot of time with anyone.  He has to go to the ranch tomorrow for his boss to help out on some cameras so he will be gone the day or more and I am sad about that but I know I need to share him.  I just know it will be a day of sandwiches and hotpockets and cereal cause that is all I can grab really quick.  I am so tired of junk type food and quick meals.  Would love to go to a sit down resturant to get a salad and something different.  I know I will forget all this time and all these emotions soon enough.  Just time time time.....wishing it would pass faster.

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