Heartbeat

So there is a saying to have a child is to forever walk around with your heart beating outside your body.  So what do you do if that heart is not beating but no longer belongs to you?  We had a wonderful full day of family and blessings this Christmas but all day I would share looks with my husband and look around and think about what life would be like if we were giggling over a toddler learning her steps for the first time in a dress that would be way too poofy for her and pretty shoes that were more then likely a size too big, chasing her around trying to put bows back in her hair for family pictures.  Almost sounds like a busy crazy day for normal people but it sure would be heaven for us.  Through out the day no one mentioned her name no one said anything no one even gave us looks of "I'm sorry"  which I didn't ask for and not sure I wanted them too.  Might have been to much.  The only one who really channeled in because she can feel me was my best friend and her god mother.  I just would think to myself she is forgotten already.  Even though I know she might have been on everyone's minds and they might have just been protecting us.  We were still having a great time but all the time thinking we should have done something more for her to make her presence known.  Besides our normal fresh Christmas flowers in a vase next to her urn and candles lit we should have done something more.  But then I feel sometimes a little shameful because I feel like I might talk about her to much or drive people insane with my grief so I constantly guard myself about what I say and when.  The thing is that the grief is still fresh and yes I still think of her constantly and I am still young in my grief path and I am still learning how to live this new life and part of me is like a baby learning my way thru.  But if ever a fear of me not moving forward I am just with her in tow.  I just think I can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I held her 9 months ago tonight she would still be alive and wiggling around and amazing me daily with her strength and I would still be the happiest I have ever been in life with my beautiful family almost completed.  Some people may think I am a dweller and that I should move on but only if they have held their lifeless child and see how perfect they are just sleeping could they judge me or tell me how to feel and since that catagory only fits a small amount of people thankfully in this world I wouldn't bet on many people telling me that.  She mattered so much and I wish daily I could go back to holding her and kiss her a little more and take more pictures and share more with her.  Sometimes I just stare at her little urn and can't believe that my hopes and dreams and hard long pregnancy and suffering and beautiful daughter are all wrapped up in a little metal pink box.  Life can be so beautiful one moment and then so harsh and dark and ugly a breath later.  The lessons this path has shown me are extremely valuable and are treasured because it has changed my outlook and sympathy to a whole other level.  But I would trade it back for the innocent outlook I shared prior for her in a heartbeat.  Christmas brought so many happy times in the day but in the stillness of the night came the emotions and thinking and yet again grief.   Sometimes I still dream like she is with me and nothing happened and for those dreams and moments they are wonderful the feeling of blissful happiness is back until I wake up and the hard reality hits once again.  But even though they are just brief moments they sure are worth it.  Just like her short time here even though it was short it sure was worth it.  I thank her so much for choosing us and am so blessed to have felt her held her kissed and loved her.  She was worth it she was so worth it.  Delanie mommy and daddy and all your family love you we miss you and will love you always and forever.  You will constantly be in my thoughts and heart. 

Silent Night...

I really am reaching out for feelings day by day during this holiday season.  I am feeling the feelings of grief on and off the anger, anguish, should of could of's, why me's and depression then among the also a wonderful feeling of blessed from time to time.  Because I am experiancing them because god gave me a chance.  God gave her to me and I must be thankful for that otherwise I am being rude.  I am blessed to have had her even for a short time.  My mind is just wondering more these past few days on what she would be doing right now and how I wish she were here and things were different.  I didn't take down decorations from the attic for a long while.  We bought new ornaments for the tree because of a new kitten and we didn't want our nice ones broken.  I finally opened the box from last year and BAM a bunch of bought baby ornaments people had given me for Christmas last year when we announced that we would be giving birth to a little girl.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then in the back of my mind when I opened the box I starred down at them and slowly touched them because I was thinking the last time I touched them I was so happy and glowing and so excited and maybe just touching them I might feel a hint of that wonderment again.  But they didn't hold it like some sacred object I slowly put the lid back on and turned away.  Next year I will deal with them but this year, this year I am taking it easy and facing things as I can and will just focus on breathing and making it another day at a time.  This year is almost over and for that I am happy.   I am just praying that 2012 brings us so much more happiness and smiles.  We need it deeply and desperately lord please lead me on this path I am meant to follow to happier times please help me make the choices correctly to get there.  Heavy hearted tonight but praying.

Hello World

So every morning on my way to work I think of blogs and talk about them in my mind.  Then I say I am going to come home and finally start writing again but then make excuses.  I have no idea why.  I think because right now is such uncertain times on feelings with the holidays and just the yearning all around.  My arms seem to ache a little harder these days.  I wonder a little more what she would look like right now and for some strange reason I think about putting tights on her little legs and watching her crawl with them.  Just the little things others prolly take for granted I yearn for and dwell on.  Other babies do not bother me one bit and baby things just make me want her here to buy them all up.  I want my baby not someone elses so that part is concrete in my brain.  I still enjoy babies and love my job of course.  I still love to smile and wave at them in the store they don't always make me think of her because they are simply not what I am yearning for, she is irreplaceable.  Some days I think of how blessed I am and honored god chose me to love her for her short time.  God chose me for this life lesson.  I feel so close to my sister's and brother's of loss and when I meet a new couple at work it breaks my heart to know the path they have started on and all the twists and turns of the journey I know so well ahead of them.  The want to wake that sleeping baby in front of you.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I desperately want to be there for them because like no one else I can say I UNDERSTAND and mean it and fully can.  I have rocked a sleeping baby and prayed for a breath or any sign of life.  I have kissed her hello and goodbye just like they will have to be strong enough to do.  I just wish everyone could understand how much this effects a mother or father or any other family member or friend of loss and how in the profession we should do everything possible for them to ease any amount even though it is only a SMALL amount of pain they are and will go thru.  This mother takes home all her hopes and dreams empty handed in a wheel chair all wrapped up in a memory box filled with mementos and pictures and footprints.  That is all she gets.  Its so important that she at least gets that to hold on to.  I am going to try to start another fund raiser at work in hopes I can get more done for my families of loss.  Heart hurts not only for my family and friends this holiday season but for all the families missing someone special around the tree this year for the first time.  It seems my phrase that comes to mind all the time lately is I just wish things were different.  I just wish this wasn't happening.  I just wish we could be happier with her here too.  But they are the way they are and we are stronger because of it.  We love thru thick and thin and we just hang on that one unchanging thing, Our love.  Its never ending and never fading loss can't take that away.

Video last year on Christmas

This is the video last year on Christmas that we posted to the public to let everyone know what sex Delanie was please do not post or like or comment on this video just view if you would like.


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150144953490898

Sorry

I have been thinking about this blog daily and in my head on my way to work is I almost post daily in my head.  Weird I know LOL I talk to myself as if I am writing in the blog and saying out loud how I feel and the still unusualness (if even a word) of the path that I am on and leading.  I feel sometimes in this blog I talk about loss and Delanie to much and I think people might be sitting back and thinking GOD woman get over it.  But then I remind myself this is my blog and people who come here choose to and can very well choose not to.  Either way it helps calm madness in my brain.  I do want to do more daily family posts as well.  I plan on decorating the christmas tree with Dustin and John today and also the house.  Much later this year we usually have it done by now.  To tell you the truth I have not been in the holiday season.  Thanksgiving I spent alone but it is really what I preferred and I was fine with it.  I was sick and nursing a cold and did not want to get anyone else sick.  But I think really it was what was best for me in truth.  I think it eased alot of pain.  So thanksgiving wasn't bad but for some reason I think Christmas will be.  Christmas last year was so much fun and we had announced what sex of the baby we were having and her wonderful well thought out name.  A strong beautiful name that we picked perfectly.  It was a beautiful time and beautiful moments that I am so very happy we got to share.  This little baby brought so much happy moments in her short life and I treasure them.  I just sometimes want to rewind to the moment of those and just suck up every oz of happiness and love and warmth and really relish those moments that at the time I didn't realize how exactly precious they were.  Losing Delanie has taught me many valuable lessons in life.  How to treasure things a little more and take in the senses of each moment.  How to help others thru this crazy path of pain and grief.  How to help them treasure what they have left.  I still stick to my faithful saying to Delanie "if I could choose again, I would still choose you".  I am blessed.  I am very blessed with the LOVE of my life and the most wonderful father in the world and my VERY healthy miracle child Dustin and my very beautiful personal angel.  I am very blessed to have the chance to be a mother to two beautiful children.  My boy and my girl <3  To have the wonderful family I do.  I love my parents all sets.  Even my Kookie mother and her silly ways.  My MIL for her wonderful wisdom and unwavering love and support.  I am blessed.  I have much more then others.  Count your blessings as small as they are each day because the negatives will drown you fast.  

 

Still breathing...

Still breathing and working on things around the house.  We cleaned out the garage this weekend and worked on getting our house ready for winter and made sure we had all pipes insulated and faucet covers on and some branches that looked shifty down.  We still have alot more to do but slowly but surely just like everything else in life we will get there.  Last week I got my employee of the month reward which was really nice!  I was nominated because of my performance but also due to my work on our fetal demise program at work.  I still have more to do on the program need to finish buying flower seeds for each birth month to give to the mothers and fathers of loss.  I have been working on trying to get Delanie's pictures edited a little more as well and I really want to do the whole slide show thing to put on here with music and all.  I think I will release it on her birthday in April.  I want it to be special.  I still think of her hourly and she is never far from my mind and of course always in my heart.  This week we are planting her flowers around her tree.  Her sweet big brother got the soil ready yesterday and pulled all little weeds and grass near there.  I am so very proud of him being such a wonderful big brother.  The other day I was at work and a dietary person stopped me to talk to him and she asked me if he was my only one and not knowing exactly what to say at that moment and not wanting her to feel bad I just said he is my only son.  Dustin then looked up at me confused and said NO I HAVE A SISTER but she went to heaven.  I was beaming with a smile on my face and she prolly thought I was really weird but I was smiling with pride for my son and how incredible his heart is.  I can't believe I was blessed with such a beautiful soul.  I really trust god and I know he personally selected my children's souls just for me.  And I know I have had a hard road but like I always say If I had to choose again it would still be the same.  I would still choose them.  They are the loves of my life.  That and their father.  I am blessed even though I am broken I am blessed.

Life...

Man I really need to find some organization in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I have no control on energy and I think if I really got some things organized and done it would be tons better mentally really.  So I am thinking of really hitting it hard this weekend and doing yard and house work in hopes we can clear some junk and along with that mental fog.  We are at a stand still in our gardens and yard stuff because we have to save more money up and then also agree on alot of our choices and make sure we make the best ones.  Dustin is doing well he had a wonderful Halloween and I will make sure I post some pictures of him at the end of this post.  He lost his two front teeth but I guess not lost they were really wiggly and my sister pulled them out because I hate teeth.  Yep I am a nurse and I do alot of gross stuff but I hate teeth!  I know it's crazy!  I got employee of the month at work which is exciting.  I also got recoginised for all my grief work on the fetal demise area at work and getting all the donations for the families of loss at our hospital.  I will keep going too I am not stopping.  We made it thru Delanie's 7 month angelversary I spent it alone which was hard but it's over now.  I will try to start updating alot more on here and doing more pictures

John dressed up too =)

Toothless pirate!

7 Months my love

It's been 7 months tomorrow that my Delanie was born into this world and delivered to god.  I know that I have not wrote in a short while but I feel like sometimes I am writing the same things over and over and that people will eventually get annoyed with my harping about grief and missing her so much.  But the fact is there is never a time that she isn't near my thoughts or consuming my conversation or dreams.  I find myself trying to be watchful in fear I talk about her to much.  I can't stop myself sometimes because she is always on my mind.  When you mind is constantly consumed by a subject in life whatever you are going thru at that time whether it be pregnancy,wedding, divorce and such you find yourself always crossing the subject or molding your conversations to what is going on in your life.  Well Delanie is mine.  I think of her all the time.  Half the time people think I am day dreaming when I am quietly pondering something at work or staring off at a baby and yes it is Delanie that is consuming me at that moment.  I find myself looking at baby's fingers and toes and bringing myself back to holding her in my arms.  It's not a hurtful moment.  Just a remembering moment in time.  Sometimes during this time of her angel day I feel like I am in a ground hog day movie.  It's like I relive the day and the events each month.  I think now as I am typing this the night before her birth is the hardest really.  This time right now she was alive.  She was active but felt distant and was not moving as much.  John and I layed in the bed and debated on going in or calling the doctor but when I thought about calling she would move again.  I made the wrong choice.  But I don't know if they would have done or caught anything if I had gone in since her heart tones were still normal.  That all lays in the unknown and the facts that I can't change or undo what I did or didn't do.  I wish things would have been different but they aren't and were not.  Tonight 7 months ago she was alive and well and all my dreams coming true wrapped up in a perfect pink bow.  Tomorrow was the birth of my beautiful angel and the beginning of my awakening to a new world.  A world of knowledge that bad things can happen.  The unimaginable happens.  The layer thought of protection and blissfullness forever burst.  Tomorrow was the first and last times my lips would touch her and I would hold her and I would smell her and rub my fingers thru her lovely locks of hair.  I think of silly things sometimes.  Like how she would never suck and would never have a bottle and none of that ever touched her lips.  I think of even in her death some things I wish I would have done and changed.  I wish I had taken more pictures then what I had even though I have several.  How can you ever really have enough?  After all they are all you will ever have.  I wish Dustin would have seen her but I was in fear for him at the time.  I wish more people would have met her now.  But then again those close moments we wanted to soak up every minute of her warmth and beauty.  Nuzzling her face with my cheek and smelling her freshly bathed head was pure joy.  She makes my heart smile just thinking of her but my arms ache.  Tonight I hope is the worst of it.  Because I work tomorrow.  I am just wondering if I will forever be playing this groundhog day nightmare.

Another picture to share...

My beautiful daughter that I love so dearly one of the pictures I want to share with you all that I so look at and takes me back to the times I held her close.  This picture she was just placed in my arms.  She was warm and smelled like baby wash and sweet baby lotion.  Her skin was soft and hair was fuzzy and her cheeks were like daddy's.  This was a sweet bitter moment but in all with her another one I cherish.  Again she looks darker in the picture because we have a high def. camera.  She was lighter in person and perfect <3

What do you do when your not the only...

What do you do when you not the only one suffering or yearning?   Dustin drew a picture for me the other day and I loved it but it did make me think and I was proud of the love that is in my son but sad in some ways too.  He drew a picture of me sleeping with a baby in my belly he drew the cord in all.  He said it was his next baby brother or sister that might be growing soon.  He then wrote me a letter about how he missed me that week and asked if we could go to the costume store this weekend to pick out a costume for Halloween.  So weird how he can just switch gears like that all on one page?  I am proud at how freely he expresses his feelings and yearnings though and made sure I gave him credit and love and told him how much I loved the letter and treasured every piece of art he created in life.

  

He is so sweet and such a gentle soul.  I am just so blessed that god chose to give him to us.  To let us learn and love him.  I did meet a new OBGYN this week that I am interested in taking my case and I really liked her.  I asked her blunt questions on if she had time for me and if I would be overloading her with my case and to PLEASE tell me now and I would keep my searching going.  She did accept me as a patient then began to tell me of her stories that she held herself.  She has been thru two second trimester losses due to incompetent cervix.  She has since had 2 successful pregnancies and proudly shares their pictures all around her office.  The office was nice calming shades of blue with beautiful artwork displayed of all the doctor's with their own families instead of models.  I liked that part.  I tried to pay close attention to detail.  They had couches to sit on in the waiting room which I loved because being hugely pregnant chairs are not your friend and they make you seriously think about hauling around a geriatric donut to sit on.  She was calm and nice took me in her office and we sat down to talk.  She waited for me to finish all my story without rushing me.  She read my chart prior to seeing me.  She even noticed I was due for a pap smear and offered to do it before I left so that I could do it under one visit.  I thought that was nice.  I agreed and made a joke about not being prepared and not shaving my legs she joked back saying I could feel her's and it would make me feel better because she was also unable to shave LOL May have been a simple joke to others but it made me at ease.  She said alot of valuable things that made me think she could really be the person I am searching for to help bring our next child home.  I would still see the same high risk of course I would never give her nor her staff up.  So when the time does come and we are ready at least things are set up so that we are not rushing or overwhelmed with the what next steps.  I want to make sure we are relaxed and enjoy the next time at least as much as possible.  Please no one ask us when that is or will be as it is a private choice between us and our family.  We may not even know as we don't know this life path we are being taken on.  But we do know we will get prepared so that when we are ready it will be a smoother transition.  Until then.  Stay blessed count your blessings hold your babies and kiss the wind for your angels.

Infant Loss Day

Today was my first Infant Loss Day.  I didn't think about it until it was to late to take myself off the schedule so today I was at work.  I worked the NICU and it wasn't bad emotional wise.  I was useful and focused on my work and taking care of those who needed me at the time.  I kept my mind busy so maybe that was for the best.  I thought of Delanie and all the angels I have come to know in my life.  I thought about so many sets of parents before Delanie even passed that have been suffering loss over all these years.  Sad how I look at them in some strange ways as mentors now like senior upper classmen that you you look up to in a strange way.  You look to them for guidance and know from them living everyday life that it is actually possible for life to keep going even though you feel like your world is constantly standing still from time to time.  You look to them for proof that this is not beatable but liveable.  That you will smile again and laugh and even enjoy the some sweet moments in life again.  But you also learn that your thoughts will never be to far from the missing piece of your heart.  I worked and then came home to my houseful of wonderfully healthy nieces and my beautiful son smiling and happy.  I remembered even when feeling my world will crash down to be thankful for my wonderful blessings.  Not to forget these beautiful babies that did have a chance.  I came home and arranged the photos of candles that I had thought about today and then took them with my camera on my phone and of course posted my support on facebook.

One Candle for my angel alone and then one for the many angels of my dear friends that have lost their own angels to soon.

For my Angel Delanie Faye taken in her room still the same as it was.  Still haven't changed anything in there.  Someday...but not right now

For the other angels I am always thinking and praying for as well.  Praying for those angels lost to soon

Infant loss day 2011

6 long but short months

Happy Angelversary my love.  Today you grew your wings and went home to god and to many people waiting for you with open arms waiting to rock you for mommy and daddy and hold you close.  You were so perfect with your daddy's features and chubby cheeks and sweet smell of a newborn.  You were perfect in everyway to perfect for this world.  Your hair golden and eyes peircing blue no wonder god wanted to as one of his angels.  Thank you so much for choosing us to love you for your short time.  I know it was hard to make that choice and I am honored you chose this family.  We love you so much little one your brother and family miss you daily and there is not a moment in the day that the thoughts of you don't consume me.  I think about you all the time and will never stop loving you. 

Raining...

I am strong I know I am I have to be to be thru all that we have been thru in life and still be standing.  Just every now and then I would really like to see the easy route thru life's twists and turns but then again working hard and not having the easy things handed to me I think has made me a stronger and better person than maybe I would have been without them.  Would I have been the good mother I know I am to Dustin without knowing how precious his life truly is?  I can't answer that fully because its something unknown.  I fought to get pregnant then I fought to keep him alive I just feel like I have spent my whole life fighting for the family I know we deserve.  All my life since I was little the only thing I have ever had in my mind was to be a mother.  I have wanted children with my whole being.  And I know I am super blessed with Dustin and with Delanie even though she was here a short time I am forever her mother that title never fades or goes away.  I know I am lucky to not only have a father for my children that is wonderful and thoughtful and hands on and supportive but also my dear soul mate.  Not many people can say that and know it full with their heart.  I could not live without John being the other half of me.  So back to the easy way.  If I had it the easy way would I have the love rich feelings towards my family and motherhood?  I wish it had been easier but would I have take life's simple things for granted that most people think are trivial?  I remember Dustin's first cry after being getting off the vent for the first time in almost 2 months.  April 26th 2003 I waited all day because the boy never cried.  I waited and sat next to his bedside warmer and waited and waited.  Finally his 3rd feeding of the day was about 5 minutes late and I started to hear a raspy whimper come from his little mouth and then he started squirming around.  I was breathless and teary that was my son and that was his little roar he fought so dearly to have.  I was amazed and my faith in god grew stronger that very second.  People prolly thought I was a idiot they prolly didn't know I was waiting for something so special and long awaited for me but trivial and maybe a annoyance to them.  I waited and I was rewarded with a sweet raspy sound from my first born son.  It was worth it.  So with Delanie.  I waited and put myself and body thru so much to see those 2 lines once again.  I waited...I waited...years pasted and still I waited...always in my head just wait and you will be rewarded.  And I was they came and brought me something many people don't have and have never held or touched their own angel.  I thought even if god had come to me and said I know you have been waiting but all I have is a angel that won't be able to stay long but will change your life and bring you joy, Will you take her for her short time here in a show her love and let her feel your warmth and strength"  I would have said yes with no hesiation.  So who says I am not blessed.  I waited for her and she came.  My whole life has been a challenge but in my children I will never take a breath or giggle for granted and I will spend my whole life waiting for the greatness brought to me.  After all they are worth it and if I have to spend my time waiting for them that is time very well spent.  After the rain comes a rainbow you just have to look thru the clouds and wait for the rain to settle and stop and stay strong thru the winds and keep your face forward or you will miss the rainbow if you give up and hide and find shelter.  So wait the storm out and you will be rewarded.  I will keep waiting lord and I will be rewarded I will stay strong I will stay face up and I will keep fighting.

October 15th

October 15th is national perinatel and infant loss day.  How sad that this happens to much that there is a day and even a whole month to remember it.  I think about her so much it never lessens each day just the effects of it aren't as heart crushingly painful.  Thanks to time aka pain medication.  I still stick to the theory that time is like pain medication for the grieving.  Doesn't take away the pain but helps numb the effects so that you can get thru every day life and find your " new normal"  I am still thinking about the slide show and I really want to go thru with it but only with my husband's blessing.  Not sure when we will do it we haven't talked much about it.  The fetal Demise program at work is going really well and we now have a closet full of things that we can try to comfort the families with to help them in such a raw and emotional time.  I talked with the threads of love foundation today and they came in and brought me some more supplies that we needed and they were all breathtakingly beautiful!  Just seeing them make my eyes well up with pride thinking we would be putting these precious outfits on such beautiful angels.  They were priceless.  Although YES I wish there were no babies to use them on but there is and I pray for them all daily.  I wish I could take it all away from them the pain and the knowing of the path they will walk on.  I see them in the hosptial and not all the grief hits you there.  Its more the numb feeling and loss.  But the hardcore grief I beleive hits you once you are home and alone and start slowly going thru the stages of grief and loss.  I count the good things in my life to keep me afloat.  No matter how small they are.  I think I am blessed. The car didn't break down, my son's grades are good, my washer didn't break nor did any other appliances, no one got in a wreck, my pets are healthy, we have jobs, ect.  just keep counting until the negative doesn't consume you into the darkness of depression.  Take it from Dorie the fish on finding nemo...just keep swimming..lol.  Dustin lights up my life everyday and I thank god so much for him.  He keeps me sane and laughing and he is so perfect.  He is such a good big brother and talks about Delanie all the time.  He always worries about other people and his heart is so perfect.  I wonder how I was chosen to be his mother and how lucky I am to have him.  The things that come out of his mouth just amaze me.  He makes me believe that in the future the world will be better because he is in it.  He is a thin league of good hearted people it seems these days.  And god gave him to me =)  

So remember those that have earned there wings WAY to soon.  October 15th light a candle for those babies and the parents walking around with broken hearts forever missing them.

The Cord

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Not so happy birthday..

So my birthday is coming up now...pretty quickly.  I can't believe I am going to be 30 years old already.  I really thought by this age I would be done having my children and would look back on like with relief of 2 healthy children and a completed family unit of 4 wonderful souls.  This birthday not only because age is hard for me but looking back on last year's birthday was one of the best times of my life.  Last year if you look back on the October posts from last year.  This birthday weekend of mine was our coming out on telling EVERYONE we were expecting another new baby to our family.  The weekend was full of fun and excitement and sleepless nights over the pure excitement that a baby was finally coming to our family.  The light in everyone's eyes and happiness was purely overwhelming.  The feeling of knowing a life was growing inside my belly was overwhelming.  All the thoughts and feelings were so wonderful and the hopes and dreams were building by the minute.  The weekend was one of the best ones in my life and I am so very glad to have had it and I am glad she gave that to me.  But now looking back to this coming weekend it has nothing to compare to that one.  That weekend I think was the best birthday I have ever had everything was perfect and the surprises lasted all weekend person after person, smile after smile.  Life was awesome.  Now what will happen this week?  It's kind of like having the top of the line steak and then going down to a chopped steak tha'ts stone cold and in some unknown and not recommended gravy.  So people have been asking me all week what I want to do for my birthday but really my mind can't seem to connect with it.  It just doesn't want to think about it.  I am happy to be with my family but I am just at a loss on what to do and what the weekend will hold.  I am sure I will be happy but just never like I was last year.  I smile thinking of it all though.  What wonderful memories were made last year.  All thanks to my little angel choosing us to carry her.  She was the best birthday gift ever I just wish I could have her back.  


The counting continues....

And so it begins....

The past few months the counting has not been so bad.  But I think it has only just really begun.  Today last year I was upset.  I was crying holding a stark blank pregnancy test and wondering when my turn to love again would happen.  I was torn up and felt defeated thinking why on earth god would not bless me with a angel because I knew I was a good mother.  I knew the love we had for eachother and for our children.  Why wouldn't god give us a special angel for this family?  I awoke the next morning September 24th and swore I wouldn't test again and began cleaning my house on my day off.  Around 1030-1100am I got to my bathroom and went to cleaning out all the cabinets and sinks and toilet.  Under the cabinet there was one test left out of one of my old boxes that I must have missed.  The expiration date was fine on it and I figured what the heck one more time after all I am not buying another box what is wasting this one?  Besides the heartache of another blank white box with one line instead of two.  I took my time and then opened the package after yelling at myself in the mirror for awhile.  I took the last test and sat there looking at it as I always did.  I watched the shade of pink swim over the white box from one line to the other.  The lines both stayed.....two lines?  Really?  Finding out you are pregnant after trying for so long is like a fire drill in a real fire.  You prepare and think about everything you are going to do but for some reason think it will never happen.  Oh my god what do I do now?  It's actually positive?  What is the next step?  How do I feel?  Is it real?  I wonder if the test is messed up?  Don't get excited Holly it has to be a mistake?  Keep your gaurd up stay calm drive to target and buy every box on the damn shelf!  So that is what I did.  Test after test said that my dream and prayer had been answered.  My angel was on her way.  My special delivery.  We had been selected to be parent's once again.  Little did we know just how special of a angel had selected us.  Delanie knew her time was short on this earth and she CHOSE us to spend it with!  She chose me to carry her love her feed her and grow her.  All with those two lines my world would change and never be the same again.  I would know a new type of love and a new learning of the world of grief.  Those two lines.  The rest of the afternoon after the marathon empting of my bladder,  I thought of how and when I would tell John.  I wanted it to be special for him but I was so excited I knew I HAD to tell him that day or I would just blurt it out from over excitement.  I ran to the store and bought two bibs and some sign poster board and made my annoucement and placed it on the bed.  IF you look back at the posts last year on this blog you will see the pictures of how we told everyone about our new found pregnancy.  I wish I could rewind to those times I was so happy.  John was so light hearted and he glowed with pride as I did as well.  Our family would be completed soon and that would be the closing chapter of our child bearing years.  Was kind of sad too when you say it that way!   I still have no regrets I think her daily for choosing me and John and our family for her short time here.  She must have thought long and hard about which family she would choose.  I wish she could have stayed longer but I am glad for the time we had and the lessons and love we learned and felt.  Tomorrow was the beginning of my daughter.  I just wish there was a different ending of her as well.  So it begins....the countdown of the next 8 months she was with us.  I know I will survive I know there will be larger hurdles and I know there will be smaller ones.  I know I have no control over which days will be harder and which days will be easier.  I have no control and I understand that and give it up freely and will live life from one breath to the next.  Always loving my family counting my blessings and missing the ones lost.  That is all I can do.  And so this time begins.........lord my hands are up and I am giving you control.

Blessed...

So many lessons this little girl has taught us in life.  I look at my husband and am so deeply in love with him.  Even more so with all that we have been thru.  I know without him I would not have all I have today.  This life that we have grown together from scratch.  He has given me my beautiful children and wonderful life full of love and affection.  With Delanie being born and then leaving us it has only made us closer.  He is what I hold on to in the storm he keeps me afloat and Dustin shines light on me to keep me from the dark.  Without these two wonderful men I just would not be able to keep my head up.  That and my wonderful family and friends don't get me wrong.  I just look at John with so much love.  He would do anything to take care of me.  I read articles all the time and see it on infant loss boards where losing a child breaks marriages apart.  I just don't see how that could or would ever happen in a marriage.  If anything it has brought us closer and will continue to.  You can lose so much in life when you choose not to I don't see how anyone would choose to lose something on purpose.  I know that doesn't make much sense thinking back but in my mind it does.  We are her our hearts beat together for her.  Our love made her and our beautiful son.  We are one heart in our family beating strong for all four of us.  Words can't say how much my husband and family mean to me.  John always asks me how much do you love me?  I always have the same reply and have for so many years.  "More then words could ever say".  that rings so true because words could never even describe nor touch our love.  He is my soulmate and I should count my blessings in this big world that I found him and we created a family.  I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have and not what I don't in life.  I have a beautiful son,  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and life, I love my job, I love my family, I had the chance to carry the most beautiful angel in the world and if given the chance I would do it again with the same result, I know things have came harder for us then others mainly when it comes to battling for our children but we have a huge appreciation for them and know what a blessing they are and each breath they take.  We learned it with Dustin and also now with Delanie.  Do not take a breath for granted because each one is a gift.  You can't worry about when your last one will be, because you will miss out on life breathing the ones in between you just have to have faith and know how lucky and blessed you are and know there are things meant for you to accomplish in this world in this life because you were given the chance to breath to live and to love.  We are all blessed

Parable of the Twins

A passage shared on one of my grief boards that totally amazed me!  Thought I would share...


'The Parable of the Twins"

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb.

Weeks passed, and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life they sang for joy, "how great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us."

As the weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing.

"What does this mean?",  asked the one.

"It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end", said the other one.

"But I don't want to go", said the one, "I want to stay here always"

"We have no choice", said the other, "but maybe there is life after birth!"

"But how can it be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth."

And so the one fell into deep despair saying, "If conception ends with birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."

"But there has to be", protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"

"Have you ever seen our mother?", said the one. "Maybe she lives in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."

And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear and finally the moment of birth arrived.

When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and cried, for what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.

How are you doing? How's your day?

These questions now make me insanely giggle in my head.  When you have grief these are the worst questions to ask for some reason and you don't know it unless you have been thru it.  I have asked the questions myself to people suffering a loss and grief and never thought how bad they may sting because they are just words and you don't think of the meaning of those few words.  Many grief parent's agree on my boards and friends I talk to that these phrases sometimes hurt the most.  Couldn't give you a long list of reason's why.  Maybe because Do you really want to know?   Would you really want me to unload every exact feeling on you?  Do you have time for all that?  Do you have the strength to even hear my worries or the craziness that goes thru my head?   The answer is no on the most part.  People ask you this and I smile innocently because that is what they are innocent in asking and they are unknowing to the world of grief.  Which I am happy for.  I wish no one knew this world.  You feel like you are walking on a different planet sometimes. 

Breathing again...

I posted the song I know it doesn't pertain to my very situation per say but I find myself singing it in my head all the time every so often.  It does make me think about the whole breathing method.  Sometimes I feel like yes I am living and breathing but I would love to take a breath of air without hurt or grief in it.  I laugh I live on but it feels like that weight is always there.  You can't take a whole complete breath of refreshing air and feel the calm.  Good days or bad days you never know waking up which day you will receive that day.  I still have alot to do for her.  Why can't I seem to do it?  Something in my head and heart I know.  Maybe I just can't let that pain in just yet to do those things on my list.  But then on the other hand I think it makes me feel like a bad mother or person just in general.  I am also thinking of asking John if I could do a slide show and post it on here in honor of Delanie pregnancy and birth and after sharing.  I need to think of songs to put on it.  It will take me awhile to do but I want to do it for myself as well and to share her.  She was so real so special and so sweet.  I can't turn on the TV today and I won't.  I know it is 9-11 the 10th annie.  But I can not take in that emotional pull right now.  I am doing the best I can daily and I think that the pull of the thought of all the loss and feelings of the living would just bring me to another day in bed.  I can't let that happen.  So I will keep the TV but know that I am still thinking of everyone lost that day and thinking of everyone missing them and carring around this weight of grief for 10 long years.  They are so strong.  Grandparents day is today and I should have planned something very special for them.  Course hard to get them all together.  I had been passing cards and thinking of things all month and now the day has crept up on me and nothing was planned.  I would go over to John's parent's right now but John had already put a brisket in the over to cook all day so with the fires I am so nervous to leave the house with the oven on and going.  Choices......it will have to be phone calls today.  More later...

Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again (Studio Version) + Lyrics

Delanie's 5 month angel day

This one hit me out of no where.  I wasn't planning on it being so hard to bare today.  I even scheduled myself to work.  I thankfully got put on call this morning after a horrible night of fitful nightmares and constant waking up.  I don't know if it was inner stuff stumbling out but they were nightmares about her and many other things in life.  Unfortunately I was not the only one in the house having these vivid shocking dreams as John woke several times talking and having a hard time.  I don't know what essence was in the house but it took us all for a ride.  Why should one day hold such meaning.  I miss her everyday why is this day so much different.  Why should I miss her more this day.  I thought about it long and hard today and I don't think it is me missing her more this day.  I think it is about me replaying the day in my mind.  Last night I touched my belly and thought 5 months ago was the last movement my daughter would make and the last time her heart would beat.  I thought about regret and wishing I would have ran like crazy and demanded her birth.  How would I have known.  I know this is the logical thing.  I thought about all morning how I was worried but blissfully unaware of the life change about to happen.  I thought about all day what I would be doing at this time and who's heart I would be breaking at that time.  One by one I felt like not only my heart was breaking but each person told the hurt and tears they shed.  I thought about all the tears brought on that night.  Maybe that is why god hasn't gave us rain since she was born because we lost so much water that night in tears.  Silly I know I kind of smiled at that for some reason.  Even right now she would be in my arms I would be holding her tight and looking her over.  Watching her daddy completely fall in love with realizing how much I held him dearly in my heart and how my world would never be complete without him.  That is my best memory is him rocking her with a soft loving smile on his face.  He was in love.  He was so perfect with her so many fathers would have been so scared or so unsure but he was NONE of those.  He held her tight as if she was part of his body.  He smiled as if she was smiling back.  He loved her so much just as I did.  I hope she was watching us.  I hope she felt us love her and care for her tender body.  I wonder which angel picked her up and took her to heaven.  I wonder so much more things I know will never be answered and I have accepted that.  There are still so many things left undone that I feel bad I have not gotten to but I am wondering if there is something deeper to why I haven't done them.  Her baby book I need to fill out and her pregnancy book I need to finish.  I need to organize all her baby DVD's from sono's and of course I still have not touched anything in her room.  I know I keep saying I will.  But life is still in that room.  Like time is still.  The room seems unmoving and I can almost pretend she is not gone when in there or at least sometimes feel closer.  I can't get rid of any of her things and I know that is selfish of me as I am sure so many can help others.  But I think if anyone were to touch or take something from that room I would scratch their eyes out to be overly truthful.  I don't mind people in there because I am proud of the room but if someone tried to take something or misplace something I would lose it I know I would.  I need that chapter open for now I think.  Each task seems to close further on the chapter.  I am not ready for that.  I have to savor her a little longer in life.  I think I need to get stronger.   Its been 5 months.  Seems like longer at times then at other times seems like yesterday.  Pain is still daily and exhaustion daily but they are both a tolerable pain with time.  Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just get away just for a moment I just need to breath a little like I can't get a full breath of air somehow.  I think John and I and Dustin need to get away again we need to go to the coast or somewhere where I can feel a breeze and breath.  Life is so complicated and overwhelming and I just need to breath.  Happy 5 months my angel I wish you were still here with me.  I wish all the things about your life were different.  I wish you were focusing on holding your bottle and sitting up and giggling belly laughs at your daddy.  I wish I was watching him hold you right now and rock you in your big blue fuzzy chair and smile because I would be hearing a secret song for you sang by him on the baby monitor that he wouldnt know I would be listening to.  I wish you were here for us to love you so much as good parents do.  I wish you were crying for your brother when he walked by you when he got home for school without kissing you first.  I wish he was helping me give you a bath tonight and picking out your nightgown and helping us all kiss you to sleep.  I wish so much.....

Dear lord.  Please keep her safe and near you please let her grandparents rock her sweetly to sleep tonight.  Please let them tell her how we love her and want her so badly.  Please let her know she is missed daily and we will see her again someday in the far future.  Please protect my small family and keep us safe.  Please bless us with happy times and love in our family.  Please lord help us choose and stay on the path that is best for our family.  Please lord help us make the right choices to keep our family safe from harm and healthy.  Please lord watch over us please give us strength in this battle of grief.  Please lord keep our friends angels safe and sweet and know they are loved aswell.  

I love you Delanie

living to smile again

Strength

So true in life all the cliche sayings " only the strong survive "  Why does it always seem to be a uphill battle.  I feel like I am carring weight on me at all times and having to put on shows all the time.  There are yes times when I feel well but then times when I am not well at all.  I make sure to put on a good show cause I would never want to make anyone aware.  Just know you never know what that person is going thru in life.  I look at people all around me.  I look at young girls walking and wondering what they have experianced in life.  I drive my car upset about my day some guy cuts me off does he know I feel like my world is crumbling?  Point being made is you just never know what that person is going thru.  You in your busy life you think about yourself and what your world revolves.  Of course its your life that is why.  No one can really blame but shouldn't we have the heart to pause and think of others?  Just thoughts in my battered head.  I know there is good in this world I have seen it first hand.  It just seems like everything is a battle.  Shouldn't everyone just do the right thing and be a good person?  I just wish some people could see the world in my eyes.  I am so tired and so exhausted this life has turned into something else just feeling as though you are always emotionally and physically exhausted and spent.  Something little can seem to break you brick wall because it's so freshly rebuilt.  I usually can take hits from people I am tough I have a wall built and if you dish it I can dish it right back but I have no strength for that anymore and sometimes I just seem to crumble now when before I would rev back and fight back.  Some little things bother me and make me lose sleep when I know they shouldn't matter.  Life is stressful and I know changes need to be made just so exhuasted I can't think of which ones and which directions to go.  So again I pray to god please lead me to the right paths I need to be on.  Please watch over my family and keep us safe from harm and protect our tender hearts.  Today I will be calm and be thankful for my loving husband and my sweet son and think of my sweet daughter as well.  Thankful.

I know...

I know I have been gone I know I haven't wrote.  It's not from lack of feelings but rather lack of describing them at times.  Tonight is harder as some are.  They come and go these harder times then other.  I count my blessings and remind myself that I am still very blessed.  Sometimes its the simple things that you think about that make you wonder into the darker parts of your feelings and emotions.  I wonder what I would be doing right now if she was here.  I wonder how I would be feeling and if we would have adjusted to life as parents of two children.  How we would be doing with another small child in the house after it has been so long.  I wonder if she would be strong enough to try to sit up now or maybe budding a tooth.  I think of these things all day long.  Small things that people take for granted.  I wonder if I would be in a horrid bad mood right now from lack of sleep because she would be nursing all night from a growth spurt or maybe her first cold.  I wonder how she would look with her eyes full of amazement when she noticed her chubby feet and hands for the first time.  I wonder...I wonder all day and night with pauses in between.  Yes life is easier but the grief is always there and I know in my heart it will always be a weight to bare I know I am strong enough and will be strong enough just every now and then you want to sat that weight down and just remember what it was like not to carry it and remember the blissful moments from before.  Before you saw the ugliness of a reality you wish on no one.  Small things simple things will bring you there.  Today we were at dinner we met John because he had a side job to do after work today.  But he always needs and wants to see Dustin so we met for dinner quickly at a resturant.  I watched them in wonderment how beautiful they both are and how much they both deeply mean to me.  When we were leaving John kissed me and Dustin as he always does and told us how much he loves us as always.  Routinely this is how we say goodbye and then we both get in but John comes back a second time to kiss us again always.  Well this time he ran to his car and Dustin was so upset.  Then just thinking about it I thought what a beautiful thing we have.  We always kiss and love Dustin and he doesn't go a day without us telling him we love him about 10 times.  We still tuck him in together in bed each night and we still have to hug and kiss him and put his blankets just right.  We just love him so much and our worlds revolve around him.  We tell him how special he is daily and how much we prayed for him and how he is a gift.  I wonder if that is why he is such a wonderful heartfelt little boy.  I think of how lucky we are to have someone to tuck in each night and say I love you too.  I know many who don't even have that chance.  But I so wish we could have given and done this all for Delanie too.  She would have had such a blessed life and would have never gone a day without a hug, kiss or I love you from both of her loving parents.  We deeply LOVE Dustin and I love looking at my husband and watching him watch Dustin with love and a proudful look just when Dustin is doing something so simple.  I know I am blessed that there are not many fathers out there that are so perfect and so loving and I have one.  I know it's rare.  I know that there are many people that will never come close to a love like ours and comfort with eachother as we feel.  And for that I know I am blessed.  I know it's one in a million to have this all.  So am I greedy for wanting a little more or really just sharing more.  We have so much love to offer we really are good people and good parents. 

Please god just don't let this be it for us.   Please watch over us and help us choose the steps to the right paths we are meant to lead.  Please light our way to where we need to be.  Please forgive me for asking so much of you.  Please know that I am thankful for my blessings and apologize for wanting more but know I need more and have more to offer.  Please lord know my intentions are for the best and better in life.  Keep my angel safe by your side and let her know that she is so loved and will forever be wanted and needed and to wait for mommy and daddy because we are saving her kisses, hugs and I love you's for her and when we get there we will be delivering them all hand in hand. 

Maybe more...

Coming a little later today I have so many posts I would like to get off my mind but my energy seems so low this morning emotionally and physically.  I have been thinking alot over the past few days.  I seem to think more in the car when I am on my way to and from work and I have been working the past few days.  Just some updates for now.  Dustin is doing well he had another blood drawl this week he was dxed with iron deficiancy anemia.  He is on a nasty serum he doesn't like and a iron rich diet which he loves salads and things like that so not a big deal.  My kiddo would choose salad over candy all day he is different I know!  He is doing well in school so far I am so glad we did tutoring with him this summer it really has shown a huge difference in his knowledge but also his attitude and upbeatness towards school.  His tutor has helped him really feel sure of himself and helped him know how special he is and really smart he is.  So he is just more excited and really tries and doesn't get discouraged this year.  He has a super cute teacher too so I think he has a little crush on her LOL My mother just went home she came for a visit which was nice while I had a few days off this past weekend.  I am hoping to make it for mine and Dustin's lunch date at his school today a new whataburger opened up the street and he has been begging me to try it LOL like it would be any different then all the rest of them.  I told him we would have a date at school and I would bring him lunch there.  The only way I might not be able to make it is if the time warner guy comes to late to fix our internet and phone which has been acting crazy.  Well love to all will write more later today and take some pictures =)

First Day of Second Grade =)

Today was Dustin's first day of school for second grade!  He did a really good job this morning although last night he had a harder time falling asleep I am sure due to being so excited to see all his friends.  One of his old friends from last year is in his class too that he really likes so he was happy.  I am just hoping he does well this year now that we have a summer of tutoring under our belt and maturity aswell.  This morning I got up early and made pecan pancakes and got his morning meds ready and cloths and filled out all my paper work and wrote checks and got school meds ready!  Mommy and daddy ate breakfast with Dustin like we do every year and we both walked him into class like every year =)  Dustin did so well and read the instructions on the board and started about his tasks.  I was so proud,  I hope he does well today and all year for that matter.  Now just to count the moments until he comes home and try not to cry all day!  LOL



Big boy infront of the school




Cheesy boy




Turning in his meds to the nurse




Flag pole shot!




Showing his morning snack to the nurse I have no idea why LOL



My handsome 2nd grader

At his desk

Put your back pack up son =)

Untouchable

So I have this feeling I can't quite describe when I was thinking of this blog and I have thought about this for awhile.  There are so many angles and branches that it is hard to describe it all in one word or phrase or even detail because you say it one way and it makes since but it branches into another detail as well.  I miss the blissfulness in life.  The thought that you are untouchable.  The knowing bad things happen in this world and how sorry you feel for those that it happens upon but knowing that it will never happen to you or anyone close.  So I thought.  I miss thinking that no matter what god would not let that happen or my grandmother lord rest her soul would always protect me...us.   Not that I am saying I am in anyway forsaking my lord or any lines of that.  Remember these are thoughts and feelings in my head.  My bubble of bliss has popped and my eyes are open to the harsh reality of life grown up.  I always thought I was "untouchable" in a way.  So protected and special somewhat.  Life was hard but it passed and we advanced slowly but surely.  I never thought my storyline was so bad.  Even with Dustin I was so surprised at how blessed we were and how special I was that god and my loved ones passed had protected and carried us through.  Dustin was my saving grace in really believing in god and seeing the goodness of life.  Then on the other hand I have been dealt the loss and sadness and the feeling of being unprotected and unrewarded for my efforts and hardwork and devotion.  My daughter is gone.  My bubble is popped to the harsh reality that we are the people we read about.  The stories we stumble upon on the internet and say a prayer and shake our heads and say wow I couldn't imagine.  We are that story.  We were before Delanie with Dustin and so many other stories but I was blissfully unaware because with Dustin I never saw the raw heartache I was always in my blissful bubble that no matter what he would make it.  He shined with everything wonderful and good.  Then this other hand now.  My sweet daughter.  Now I find myself wondering about tomorrow and what it will bring.  Could it bring another blissful bubble to be popped?  Small to big things I ponder about.  Will I get in a car accident tomorrow will someone I love?  Will something happen?  I know I have no control over these things but the reality is that these or anything could happen.  I am not untouchable.  I have alot of questions on the " rules and regulations"  of god.  No I am not forsaking him I love him and all that he is and I am faithful and thankful.  But I am wondering if we are really on our own and no help is given it is just luck and if soemthing happens he comes to embrace us and take us home.  So I find myself lost in prayers and wondering what exactly to pray for?  Do I pray for another baby and a healthy pregnancy?  Does he have control over that?  With Delanie I prayed every night and all day pretty much on and off.  I had detailed prayers and never forgot.  Did that do any good?  Does he really have control or a hand in the matter or is it just the luck of the drawl in some ways.  I still pray I will continue to.  These are just thoughts mind you that race in my head and leave me baffled with of course no answers and never will.  I just feel awoken to reality like I never was before.  I just always was blissful and had that "won't happen to me attitude"  not arrogant about it though just never thought it.  I thought with Delanie surely I had been thru enough trying to get pregnant with my kids and everything happenign with Dustin I would be blessed with a easy pregnancy I was wrong.  Then going thru her pregnancy with a smile on my face and all the pain and hard work I put in surely I figured it would be enough to get my reward.  Not saying that she wasn't a reward enough but you know what I mean.  But that bubble popped.  You work hard for a chance and I would do it again.  Just for a chance.  I am not untouchable I am real,  I am not a special someone who is a saint and will get all I pray for in life.  I am someone who has a chance.  Be happy I have that I know.  I know all the logic responses and angles.  Just thoughts in my head remember I am letting you in.  I know its a messy jumbled sometimes harmful place but I am trying to heal it and make it better the best I can. 

My poor sweet son

I feel like such a bad mother.  We switched Dustin's lung medications back in May to help better control his lung issues so that he can play better and not be afraid to join in activities like he is now.  I made a post a while back about how I was getting concerned about the circulation in his legs because he had weird red markings on his left upper thigh area that looked like stretch marks and posted a picture.  We went and got them dopplered at the pedi's office to make sure blood flow was good because his pulse's in the left leg were weak as well.  The doppler turned out well and the blood flow was good so we scratched that out and chalked it up to a larger weight gain and that they were stretch marks.  Well they kept getting worse and he was having leg pain with them as well then he also had a splinter hemmorage in his left big toe.  I started getting really concerned and googled all night until I stumbled upon a reason....I had been looking up his new medication Dulera and found nothing that seemed to be the answer but looking deeper I saw that Dulera was mixed with two medications.  One of them being a steriod Asmanex.  I looked up the side effects for it and found the skin thinning and stretch marks and among other serious side effects as well.  I freaked out because Dustin could have many of these.  I called the Pulmonologist this time and now we are working on ruling things out.   We went today for them to look at him and the stretch marks are much worse and he has several spider viens in his legs as well that concerned me.  I mean he is a 8 year old boy for goodness sakes.   He weighs a hefty 62 pounds but is in no means over weight.  They were concerned about the steriod use going outside his body and effecting other organs and such.  They said they have had one case like Dustin before.  They switched his medications up to a steriod that only activates in the lungs and a couple other ones.  We are doing blood work in the morning that has to be done only in the AM so it was to late today.  We will start ruling out things from there and seeing what damage has been done to other organs and what cortizol levels we are looking at.  Really worried about what is a head but hopefully everything is fine levels will go down and no damage besides the skin will be permanent.  Please keep him in your prayers that this all goes smooth and that changing the medication will be all that will fix it.  I love him so much.  I should have caught this earlier but I know we will be able to fix it now. 

4 months...

And I still miss you so much my angel....mommy loves you

Why won't you go away...

Hard couple days but what days aren't hard in some way or another some worst then others some times just worse then others and some better.  I have been so busy this week this is the first time I have really had some time to myself just a few minutes before I totally crash.  Been working all my hours at work lately and then some.  After work today, tired and hungry we went out to eat together came home and I was exhausted and sore and my body aching from hard work staring in the large mirror in my bathroom I was looking at my body and the small marks of redness around my incision.  Yes still healing....why won't you just go away.  Why are you still there reminding me.  Heal already.  There is the anger.  But then I remember that this scar of mine introduced me to my wonderful daughter.  I did get to see her and love her hold her in my arms.  So not all bad.  But those parts of you don't always make since and sometimes you just can't process the positive parts at that moment in time.  Negatives in life always seem to creep up easier in everything and this is no different.  You get almost angry at times wanting your body to just go back like it never happened.  Although don't get me wrong I have no regrets.  I never have and never will about my daughter.  I would still choose her and I would still do it over with the same result.  Sometimes that anger and rage comes out though you just don't want to look at the ugly reminder of the negative of the matter.  The badness of losing someone so precious and perfect.  Sometimes you just don't understand but I guess no one ever really ever will fully.  I know I feel like I never will.  There isn't a day or a moment that she doesn't always cross my mind.  Each day it seems a chapter somewhat closes on her.  She gets further away from me in some ways.  She is a memory to many people.  I am the person right now that just lost a baby but that title is fading.  Life is ongoing.  People stop saying they are sorry and stop looking at you funny and stop watching what they say infront of you.  Life goes on.  I thought about next year and how next year I won't be thought of at all as the mother who lost her child.  I know this all doesn't make since to anyone.  But it all adds up to life just going by and how I feel somewhat like I am standing still in time and sad at the same time that I am leaving the era of her grief in others eyes.  If I look sad and am looking down thinking of her that won't come across their minds as the reason why.  But it's her...it will always be her.  I will never stop thinking about her it just won't stop nor do I want it to.  I will keep her fresh and I will always picture her face and feel her skin next to me forever.  My heart is still broken and that peice will be forever gone.  Yes it will still function and yes I will live and yes I will still love and still breath again but that peice will always be missing and she will always be the one holding it. In her tiny arms tiny hands she holds that peice waiting for me one day.  Until then...