Striving for the better...

I find myself constantly striving to change to be better.  I am having another one of those make the bed mornings.  Which for those of you that don't know me I make the bed so that I don't crawl back into it.  I really find FOR ME that if I get back in and go to sleep yes those moments are nice and relaxing but when I wake up I feel drained all day and end up on and off in bed.  I think that is how depression really progresses is in your sleep patterns.  Well at least for me.  Now if I stay up then I end up forcing myself to get up and go and do things even though I am tired?  Weird right?  But since Delanie's birth and all those many weeks (15) on bedrest strict bedrest I have changed some of my mindset on wanting to be more organized and productive in life.  Seems like some days I am wasting precious life.  I think about that once I was a baby and I was also given the chance to live and breath so am I bad for wasting it?  Would I have any regrets?  I know some people think I may be morbid thinking this but I think about organization and if I were to pass away in my earlier life and people were left to go thru my things and help John pack would they be surprised?  So maybe that is why I am going thru things trying to straighten them up.  I am also going back to work which is a huge step and I still want to take care of John and Dustin so I want to make sure everything runs smoothly for them and even me.  I wish I could peek in everyone's houses and just see what works for them in little things they do.  Like all the tips and trades women have but may not even notice that its a awesome idea.  Each family is a little book I wish I could read about.  Everyone has a story wish I knew theirs as I am sure they might be surprised at our long story in our short lives.  They wouldn't think by looking at us all that we have been thru in life.  But I will keep striving for the better.  Keep making my bed and keep looking for the sun.

wow...

I have a date that I am going back to work I will start work again Sunday June 5th a little nervous but happy as well to see all my friends and work family.  I miss dealing with patients and caring for them.  After all that seems to be what makes me feel better when I am in a grief storm is caring and nurturing something or someone.  So I think work will actually be healing being the line of work that I am in.  I know people are concerned because I work postpartum on a mother baby floor but that is work and it is seperate.  I know none of those babies are mine and those babies aren't what will heal my pain.  I am happy for each baby born healthy even though mine never made it.  I would never want this pain on anyone even a junkie mother high on lord knows what or a young mother or anything else that has a negative.  No one no matter who they are deserves to feel that pain nor does any innocent baby.  After all no matter who the mother is every baby is innocent.  I think this will be good I think I can be strong I know life will be good for us someday.  I feel we will be blessed again.  I still feel blessed to have her.  I still would have chose to have her and the time with her even with the same outcome and result.  So for that I need to know I am blessed.  I got to meet Delanie and no one else did.  I got to feel her and love her and feel her grow each week and day.  I got to see her pretty face and soft little feet.  I got to spot each feature of the man that I love in his daughter's face.  I did make him a father to a daughter he was wonderful.  His arms melted around her with love.  I got to see that.  I was apart of that.  I need to count my blessings.  I have had the chance.  That is afterall what I asked god for.  I ask for that again when the time is right is a chance.  

Weekend

Today was my niece's graduation party we were so happy for her and so very proud.  I love my niece's very much more then they will ever know.  A lot of my life has been just for them and I tease them they better repay me with a good old folks home later in life.  I spent the morning doing chores and spending time with Dustin. Then my dad and Judy came to drop off a much wanted gift, Delanie's hope chest!  My father made it for us and it is so wonderful.  It is so beautiful more then I could have ever imagined it!  Now I have a special place to put Delanie's special things but keep them close to me as well =)  I took pictures to show everyone =)

So pretty!  Now I can put her special things in here like her blankets and memory box, ect.

Cedar lined thank you daddy!

 

Facing the sun

So my next venture in this grief journey is to return back to work another step to a life of somewhat normalcy if there will ever be that again.  I have felt somewhat peaceful but grief emotions are like a storm and change with each wave and turn.  I could feel this peaceful moment that my child is warm and safe with god and loved ones and the next hour it could change to rage and anger.  I am ready to see what emotions work will bring though I think they will all be good.  It's a step back to life but not a step away from my child like some may view it.  I will grieve at work to with my work family I know they love Delanie to so it isn't me taking a step to forget about her or move on it is a step back to a productive life but with her with me always.  I am not looking at it or at least trying not to look at it as the period of grief is over and there for her time it over because it never is.  The wounds will never heal and she will never be far from my mind.  But I will continue to live for her and in life living is moving forward always not from her but in life period.  It's sad in a way but I try not to think of it like that.  I will try to keep my head up and bring in the positive because there is nothing negative about Delanie.  My child was perfect and positive she was all that was good in this world wrapped up in a wonderfully beautiful heart and little body.  Maybe to good for this world.  I know god didn't take her my faith is strong that he is not a taker of life but a giver and he only came to get her once he saw trouble or pain and rushed to embrace her.  That is what I must think and believe with my everything to get to my next breath. The gardening is helping and it helps that it is slow moving I think and something to nurture and take care of daily as we would for Delanie.  We also can do it as a family so that helps us aswell.  We will stay strong we will stay together and we will still be standing thru anything that comes our way.  We have been thru so much in life we will have stories to tell and lessons to learn and pass on to those in need.  

I also took so pictures of our little family fun today =)  Dustin had to help mommy water the yard of course but his way is slightly different as more water ends up on him then grass?  But they both grow fast so I took pictures to hold on to the funny moments of my dear son <3  How I love him so <3

Soaking wet!

Wondering what is getting more water?

Boys....

Thanks for your help son!  LOL

 

progress...

More pictures of the garden today this time with a big addition done Delanie's tree planted!  YAY we are glad its planted and so far so good.  I got Delanie's flowers the other day they are not planted yet because they are seeds.  Her birth month flowers are sweet peas and daisies so we are planting them as seeds first frost then they will bloom by her birthday =)  Nice birthday gift for us =)

Her seeds that will be planted in the fall =)

Her new tree

Her butterfly angel statue from my dad and step mother

All the leaves I raked up!!  My arms hurt!

I love him so much can't stop taking pictures of him =)

This is a cool little balloon flower

Her tree

today,,,,

Had to make my bed so that I don't climb back in it.  I hate wasting precious time anymore so after I wake up I regret the nap even though I may love it while I am slumbering. I just don't want life to pass me by anymore and I have so much to get done today heck in life not just today!  I really need to work in the yard this morning but also in the house it has fallen behind because we have been working in the yard so much.  I know I will have to get the carpets cleaned for sure after we are done with everything!!  Yesterday I had to take Dustin to pulmonologist (lung doctor) because of his attack on Friday and it was his normal scheduled appt time as well.  We went up on several of his medications because his asthma is not controlled.  Well he still isn't classified as asthma they still classify him with Chronic Lung Disease really.  Which if you think about it describes it all but whatever floats their boat.  We are now on two more lung medications.  He did do GREAT on his growth chart he is just blooming like a weed!  56 pounds and 47 inches tall at 8 years old.  He totally fits in his class and he is not even the smallest child in his grade like he use to be always!  It's nice!  Course I am buying cloths for him like crazy!  None of his old summer cloths are fitting so we will have to purchase a few more things soon over time.   So happy with his progress now hopefully we get his lungs under control so that maybe one day he can play sports =)  He can't right now because he can't keep up and he gets upset and fustrated then mad and that is usually accompanied with him turning blue and white around his mouth because he can't breath.  So we are gonna wait and keep working to get him there someday.  Life of a micropreemie lol  Hope everyone enjoyed the pictures there will be more coming as we get things done =)

Nurture Nature...

I don't know what it is with grief but I find with many people with all different types of grief young or old they seem to take to outdoors and get their hands in the dirt somehow.  I know there is a psychological meaning for it I am sure.  When someone has lost a piece of their heart they just want to nurture someone or something.  To make beauty maybe from so much grief and hurt.  From day one being outside at least has helped not only me but John as well.  We have been working our butts off (literally) manicuring and improving our house on the outdoors.  I should have taken pictures of before and afters prior to John's vacation week as you won't be able to tell everything that we have done.  We have ripped out trees and 2 different spots of bushes really made alot of change.  We have planted a few gardens and I will make another tomorrow the one for her tree =)  We are planting a Texas red bud for her and when the time is right (first frost) I will plant her birth month seeds which are daisies and sweet peas and they will bloom around her birthday =)  I like this idea because we won't know what we will get until her birthday so kind of a little birthday gift for us from her.  We have been doing lots of work on our grass to it use to be so plush but we had trouble with it last season and then got pregnant and focused everything on that and not much else.  AND on the insurance matter I am still insured YAY it all did roll over but I may have to pay a smoker fee even though we both don't smoke but because we didn't go in to sign the no smokers contract thing we will have to maybe pay a extra 35 dollars a pay period.  They are still checking though hopefully we don't.  Well better get to the pictures I will try to explain as I post them =)

Some of the flowers

Bird feeder (butterflies of course)

All the new rocking in the front we ripped out everything that was old and all those rocks are new and then hauled in all that dirt to fill them and pack them.

Still have alot more plants to buy we will get there slowly =)

Round the tree

Her Texas redbud tree =)

This is right outside her window we took out a row of red tip bushes that were high infront of it there was rocking underneath you can see on the ground. We plan to fill this in with crushed granite square kind of and make a seating area with latis work on the side with climbing plants of some sort.  That tree sitting next to there we aren't sure were is going its a traveller red bud tree really neat tree when it grows up if you want to google image it

John's silly topsy turvey pepper plant he is inlove with......I am less then thrilled but whatever makes him smile =)

Lord love the Texas hill country this is what a hole looks like for the tree its solid rock I have had to hand dig most of it!  Tomorrow I will rock a garden around it so that we can build it up with dirt and plant the tree.  AND all this rock you see us using is all from our yard mind you!  They come up everywhere LOL

Front of the house with the rocking

Hopefully

Some decor

John bought me this bird bath bowl that I loooooooooove!  I am not sure exactly where it will be for sure but for right now I just put it on a upside down pot so our MANY birds can enjoy it until I figure it out.

Our messy porch sorry!  Been tracking dirt all thru there

Backyard now the metal pieces are all pieces of the pool we ripped down!

Our pool is GONE!  Well on its way to being gone!  We hauled away all the plastic parts of it like the liner now we are doing the metal parts in trips

Ewwww....

Big eww mess this will eventually be a step down stone patio with a Royal Impress tree over it and climber plants going up those wood rails but I will paint them first I think because they are a minty green color.  This picture is to show you the progress so that later you can see before and afters LOL

 

Sunday

Today was a very busy day once again I swear me and John will be skinny twigs by the time we get half way done with the things we are wanting to do in our yard.  We have so much that needed to be done that we have put off while I was on bedrest we were kind of just on a day to day life mode.  We were so focused on Delanie and getting her here safely we put everything else aside.  Which was good and what we were supposed to do I know.  We have ripped out our above ground pool and hauled some of it off need to finish hauling that off this week.  We dug a hole for Delanie's Texas redbud tree this morning and it was SOLID rock so that was a big deal!  We bought a couple more flowers and planted them and a bird feeder I have really been wanting.  We have been trying to be thrifty shoppers and look for sales and buying some things used as we don't have all the money we want forsure but really who does!  I know things will get better when I get back to work and get some extra money coming in once again.  I feel badly sometimes for John because he has been carring so much weight and burden for so many months.  I know it all wasn't for nothing and like we have said we would do it again even with the same result she was a blessing in our lives and has forever changed us.  Such a big task and accomplishment for such a little girl to do. No matter what happens we will hang on and stay tightly bonded together.  I am really scared tonight and nervous because for so long I didn't open mail and some of it was left in Delanie's room so I was unable to look at it until I finally got the guts to enter her room again.  Well I was supposed to enroll in our employee benefits in April and I didn't know.  I am praying that we will still have insurance and what I had last year will just roll over as I didn't want to change anything anyways but I don't know how that works.  Seems silly to make you do all that paperwork each year.  PRAYING it just rolls over and we don't lose our health insurance because that would pretty much destroy us.  So I am asking please say a prayer that everything works out.  I am calling first thing in the morning to ask about it and make sure that we still have coverage.  Dustin has a appointment tomorrow with the lung doctor which is good because of his recent attack I am thinking he needed to be seen anyways and hopefully his peak levels will be okay.  I let the day get away from me today working and then we also were hauling loads and went and got the flowers then came home planted them did some more work and then we did go to a movie because John hasn't done anything fun for this whole week he was on vacation so we went to see pirates of the carribian 3 and it was good =)  Will take some pictures tomorrow of the progress still LOADS to be done!!! 

End of the world....hmmm

I guess today was supposed to be the end of the world but who knows we American's are always stylishly late.  I never thought it would be the end of the world anyways.  The day started off really well actually I got up this morning early I was excited that John's best friend Mike was coming over.  He is the best uncle ever and Dustin was excited he was coming to.  He was so sweet and sweated his booty off all day to help us get the outside ready and going for Delanie' s gardens and other projects.  So I got up to make him breakfast because food is the way to his heart.  LOL  I made a big breakfast of french toast, hash browns and bacon and some fresh coffee I knew they would need it for all I had in store for the two unaware men.  We have totally juggled and demoed a lot in our front and backyard.  We also took down the above ground pool that we had in the backyard which was WAY a lot of work we still aren't done!  We made two of the front gardens in the front yard for Delanie and we got her two beautiful trees yesterday also!  We had been to about 15 nurseries looking for the right ones!  Finally found them from a wonderful guy outside of San Marcus.  We are planning on doing a stone patio where the pool is and I will add memorial stones for Delanie as well <3  I just can't wait until it is all done but it will take a long time for everything to come together and I will take pictures along the way and share them here.  I should have taken before pictures prior but oh well I will take some tomorrow and share them tomorrow night.  Had a run in this morning over the phone with a hateful family member that I have thrown out of my life for good.  Since having Delanie I just see life differently and negative people I don't need around my family we just don't deserve that.  Apparently I need to get over my daughter already even though this person hasn't even talked to me since way before Delanie died.  There is way more to the story but I don't want to dwell on it.  I need to look for positives and stay positive and keep going forward in life.  A lot of big things in the next few weeks.  My niece graduates, Dustin finishing up this year of school, and I will be returning back to work and lots of yard work and we really need to catch up on finances as we have a lot of medical expenses piling up sadly with nothing to show for them which makes it harder to swallow.  Work will be good though I miss my work family dearly and I miss working I do love my job and need to get back to doing what I love.  =) 

Hold them...

I am asking you to do something for me tonight.  I am asking you this favor.  This favor to look at your children and realize you can touch them because they are there.  Sing to them because they are there.  Hug them because they are there.  Praise them because they are there.  Hold their hands because you can...

First and last time holding hands

My intention is not to scare you or make you fear your child's death.  But these things are sudden and you never know when you have your last chance to touch them kiss them feel them, speak to them.  Death is never planned in children really it is always sudden.  When you look back on your day even today.  Would you have any regrets to not hugging your child enough?  Did you tell them you loved them today?  What would happen if tomorrow you woke and didn't have the chance.  This post is not to scare you but enjoy what you have and know that you have the chance.  We did not think that Delanie would never have the chance to be loved in the flesh and be held warmly in our arms.  We do take everyday life for granted.  I even do with Dustin.  I am guilty of him asking me to play a game or asking to watch a movie with me but my favorite show is on and I tell him later son.  What if there was no later would that last encounter be a regret later?  I am taking a vow right now.  Just like when you are married you are told " Never go to bed angry".  Well use that with your children never let them go to bed unloved.  Make sure that you kiss them hug them and love them and let them know how much you love them each night.  Take 5-10 minutes with each one and sit on the edge of their beds and tell them how much they mean to you.  Then hug them and take in the feeling of their warmth and unconditional love for you.  Then kiss their warm forehead and remember there will be a time when you won't be able to do that each night after they are grown.  Take a breath in and smell their clean bathed hair.  Take in each thing slowly and place it in a memory in your head.  Live every moment as if its your last is a wonderful line that I think of often now.  I do take even my wonderful miracle of a child for granted often.  Remember they are a gift treat them right and with love because they are your gift from heaven.  Hold them tight and show them why they chose you when they were angels above.  XOXO

Sometimes it gets just a little bit harder...

Today has been a range of emotions I think I have went thru every stage of grieving all over again in one days time.  Anger was a huge one this morning I was not angry at anyone just the situation.  Tears streamed down my face as I was driving to the store to get a few groceries for tonight's dinner I should be in bed right now I kept thinking.  I should have been getting ready for the wonderful birth of my daughter, I should have been packing my bags and wondering how I would sleep tonight with the birth of my daughter scheduled for the morning.  I should have been planning on washing all her cloths and washing Dustin's big brother shirt for the morning.  I should have kissed him tonight and told him to get some rest because tomorrow he would be a big brother.  So much that should have happened the list goes on and on.  I wish I wasn't sitting in bed wondering how much pain tomorrow will bring.  I wish this was a much happier post with pictures of my bags next to the front door and us acting silly around the house making sure we packed everything but forgetting most of it.  But tomorrow I will wake up as usual there is nothing special about the day.  I will make breakfast for John and Dustin then get dressed and start my day.  Just like today and yesterday.  There will be no baby cries or happy tears tomorrow or family members streaming in the room with smiles on their faces and wet cheeks from seeing how beautiful my daughter is and making fun of how she is going to keep us up all night.  Tomorrow will not be that day.  Tomorrow will be Thursday and a broken dream.  I wish things were different I wish tomorrow still would have been the day I would say Happy Birthday to my first born daughter.  I know that when I wake up and roll over to the sun I will still whisper in my mind happy hopeful birthday Delanie.   Today I am 6 weeks postpartum.  6 weeks and your life is forever changed everything turned around.  Just 6 weeks....breathe

Just noticed...

Mine and Delanie's little pinky toes are both crooked and they were captured in each picture

postpartum check up

John came with me which I was happy about.  We came early to hopefully get out early but that did not happen.  We were the first people there and everyone got seen before us because my doctor was running late.  Was hard to sit in the waiting room because I forgot this would have been one of my normal appt dates and the same group of pregnant women were all there.  Everyone with their big bellies and glowing and me alone in the corner hugging my husband. Nothing much to really report from there either as far as results she briefly checked me and asked us some questions and encouraged us on TTC again after a 6 month break to allow my body to heal from the c-section.  She also had no answers on what happened with Delanie only that she really thought and felt in her heart that it would not happen again.  We left there and I really was thinking hard.  That was the last of anything to do with Delanie doctor wise.  I thought I would be sadder like a book almost starting to close.  The last step would be returning to work in a way.  A weird thinking in my head.  I always have these little check marks going and checking things off one by one in my head and I am running out of check marks.  Weird I know....I am really tired today and just really wanting to rest.  I love having John with me and we are trying to get alot done.  Hopefully later this week we will have everything together to start on some of Delanie's gardens and tree.  xoxoxo

Results....

I know many of you are wanting to know about results.  I wish I had some to give you.  We met with Dr. McFarland and she had none to offer.  Everything came back good and she even reviewed all old sonogram footage and couldn't find one thing that might have been the case.  There was no reason and we just have to live life with that and I know sometimes it just happens from working in the same field but it's hard to swallow when it is yourself.  We have a wonderful plan of action that was well thought out for the future.  We love Dr. McFarland and know she truly cares for us and wants to help us in any way possible.  There was a slight infection noted on my placenta but not enough to cause any trouble or even a elevated white count or fever.  More then likely that was only noted because of her death even though it was only a very short time she was passed away.  We are thinking many theories about her death more then likely it would have to be something sudden because the Friday before she had scored a 8/8 on her BPP which is a health score given via sonogram.  Blood flow was also checked and everything was fine.  We know she had a two vessel cord so if one vein clotted or failed she would not have had a backup like most babies.  There is the possibility of a fetal stroke or cord accident since it was sudden.  There was meconium present which medical people know when mec (a babies stool) is present there was fetal stress.  She moved at 9pm that night and was sonogramed that morning with no heartbeat.  She had only passed away a matter of hours.  Just hours changed my life,  how precious life is such a short time made such a big difference.  I am thankful John is with me this week as if I was still pregnant we would be preparing for our scheduled c-section on Thursday.  So sad to think about it at least I won't spend it alone.  Going to try to stay as busy as possible this week.  Love to all please keep us in your thoughts and prayers we appreciate it greatly as we heal.  More later......tomorrow is my 6 week postpartum check up I really am not looking forward to going back...

Trip to the coast and tomorrow

This weekend John and I took Dustin to the coast for some family time.  John's bosses were so nice to us to let us have their beach house all to ourselves it was a great thing for healing and some relaxing moments.  You can almost pretend you were in another life.  Was nice to get away but my mind was never far from reality though I pretended to be far away from it.  I realized this weekend just how often I really do think of my daughter even when in a way I am trying not to almost.  We did have fun and fished and loved one another.  We were goofy and laughed and teased and played.  We did all the things a good family does.  We took away alot of nice memories and smiles.  Dustin and John needed the time for sure.  I finally got to stick my toes in the sand =)  Something I have been talking about since I got put on bed rest with Delanie January 9th.  But it was also a sad moment cause I remember thinking when I got the chance to do that I would be holding my little girl in my arms.  It turned out to be a very empty moment.  What was more fuller was watching Dustin running on the beach with his no fear outlook on life dodging waves and laughing loudly and asking his daddy to watch all his moves.  They are my life and I love them both dearly.  We never strayed to far from thinking of our daughter though and wrote her name in the sand to let her know maybe in a way.  Tomorrow will be a hard day please pray for us.  We go to the results appointment for mine and Delanie's blood work.  I am not sure how I will feel and if I want results or not.  It is just one more thing on the grief checklist to go thru and one more thing you just won't know how you will feel until you get there and get through it.  This whole process you never know how you will feel until you get to that point or venture.  Tuesday then is my 6 weeks postpartum check up.  John is off this whole week on vacation.  A vacation that would have been meant for the birth of our daughter on Thursday.  She would have been here this week and instead I feel like I am coming to the end of her in a way with the last of the check up and then shortly returning back to work.  Life will be at a new normal but old normal routine again.  I just wonder what life will hold in store for us over the next few months and even just a year from now where will we be?

Here are a few pictures from this weekend <3

At last......

We love you

Dustin and the red fish <3

Dustin playing in the water

Part of my heart