today

Today is my first day alone.  Last night was hard.  I am finding myself sitting outside today 90% of the time because being in the house is so dark and so quiet.  It also reminds me of sitting there being on bedrest but I am no longer on bedrest so what do I do with life now?  I can't drive anywhere yet so that's out and I don't even know where I would drive.  I have to find my way back to the life I led before somehow.  I don't really remember though?  For 14 weeks I have been in bed focused on getting to each week and not getting bedsores and trying to stay sain and get to each doctor's appts to wait for her next weight.  What do I look forward to now?  I miss John and want him near me but I know life needs to go on and I am stuck behind because I had to have the c-section and still have a severe infection in both breasts.  So where am I in life?  I know I am Dustin's mother don't get me wrong on all that logical stuff.  I still look foward to him getting of school and coming home to hugs and something for dinner.  I still look fwd to everything about him in life.  I stood outside her window today I peeked in just to look maybe I shouldn't have maybe I needed to.  I looked in the window I had chosen for her chair right next to her crib.  I picked that window because the morning sun comes in and I pictured myself breastfeeding her in the big comfty blue chair and her falling asleep then me laying her in the crib right next to the chair.  I thought everything through.  I had it all in my mind planned out.  So what do you do when you have planned so much.  What do you do when it's scary to go inside your house alone but you don't know even if you want anyone else around.  When you can only stand to talk to a laptop on the front porch and a grouchy cat only because you are in his favorite chair.